Saturday February 25th 2017
Sh*t. I was awake in bed from 11pm until 2am. I couldn’t sleep because our housemate coughs a lot (and because I’ve over sensitized myself to the sound). It’s nightmarish when I can’t sleep. I feel so alone and isolated. I tried getting up to ask him not to cough, but he was asleep. At 2am I got up and wrote him a note and put it on his desk. I hate feeling like I’m harping on people. We’re in a loft, so any sounds the other person makes at night can be heard by everyone else. That’s the only downside to living here. At the other place we lived in years past, it was dead silent and I got over sensitized to the sound of my ears ringing, which made me feel like I was going crazy. It’s always something.
Of course I was tired when I woke up at 9am. I didn’t get any work done either. Thoth told me our electricity bill was sky high, which terrified me. We don’t do great here financially January and February so it scares me when we have to pay so much money for things unexpectedly. I tried to lay down and nap at 11, but I’m not sure I fell asleep. My nerves were shot. I was sleep deprived and pessimistic all day. Tomorrow is my birthday, so I hope I feel better and get some sleep. I need a solid 8 hours in order to function and I’m just not getting that these days.
I guess to reflect how I was feeling, I did some pretty horrific makeup.
Since I felt like shit, I thought I’d look like shit too. When I feel bad, no matter how I look, I think I look awful. I hate that feeling. We biked to the park and it was one of those days I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through. I didn’t do very well. A few times I just hung my head in sadness after a song. The combination of sleep deprivation and fears about money is a bad mix. I was focusing on the wrong things, which makes me angry and beside myself. Yesterday I had a great day, and it wasn’t like we really did well, but I did well. I created a great look and played and sang my very best. I was focused on the right things yesterday; creativity and self expression. When I get sucked into focusing on money I get depressed. The thought that we are deserving of much more than we get, which is a horrible thought. I like much better being grateful for what I have, instead of mad for not getting what I feel we deserve more of. That’s a completely unproductive and soul-sucking feeling. Horrible. I hate that feeling of wanting to throw my violin on the ground and cry. I felt that today a few times. It happens because I loose all my strength and self direction to deal with our life. I don’t know how Thoth dealt with bad days by himself. Once after a piece I had to sit it out and collect myself while Thoth did a solo, then later during an improv I stopped playing and singing all together because I felt so shitty. People were clapping for someone performing near us and it was so noisy there didn’t seem to be any space for our work. Sometimes it feels like we have to cramp our music into this tiny little space and no one cares if we survive or not. I felt so alone, even though there were three protectors there; Pascual, Tori and Bill. Seeing the park rangers walk by before we started made me feel sick with fear, too. I played a solo and felt like I got a lot of my feelings out. Bill was crying when I finished. I was exhausted but happy I got through such a hard play. On days like these I’m just happy to get through it.
Why do I not want people to think my life is perfect? Because it isn’t! Most people who had a life like mine of traveling and performing would always be posting and sharing positive things. I don’t. If things are rough, I don’t shy away from it for fear of sounding ungrateful. I feel what I feel. Every day is different. Everyone has their own problems and I refuse not to share mine. I’m scared and hopeful and disheartened and emotional and loved and cherished and cared for and I strive every day to share my voice with anyone who will listen. That is all I can do.
We came home and ate and Thoth tried to set up a speaker so I could pump in the sound of a fan to help block out our housemates cough. It didn’t help. I had to get up and ask him gently to try as hard as he could not to cough. He did and I finally could fall asleep! Yay!
Tuesday December 6th 2016
I got up at 8am. Acted for an hour in my room and then listened to music and wrote in my journal. At noon, I heard Thoth making our smoothie and oatmeal. For some reason the blender stopped working. Damn. It was broken. One week and the thing breaks. Shit.
We got ready and I called an Uber for us to go to Dad’s studio to record for the second day. We got their at 1pm, right on time. “How’s that angelic voice doing?” Dad said when saw me. We did a drone improv, another improv that Thoth started. After that, we did our first electronic loop. I went in by myself and sang three solos. Two in my belt voice and one in my high voice. When I finished the one in my high voice, dad said into my headphones, “You’re crazy.” I am. I could never do what I did then 8 years ago. We did another electronic loop together and then I went in again by myself to do a four part improvised vocal piece. It was so much fun. I’ve always wanted to do something like that. It sounded very medieval. It was in F# Minor. So eerie and beautiful. I can’t wait for people to hear it. We finished with a funky electronic loop. We said some words…
It had been 4 hours since we got there. My voice was still feeling fine. Yesterday I tired myself out too soon. We called an Uber, hugged dad goodbye and went home. We’ll be back tomorrow. Mom was there with her puppy Sammy. He was all fluffy and clean. He’s such a sweet puppy. So loving. We sat down to have dinner. Michael C. called. We talked him while Thoth cleaned the dishes, then I went back up to my room for the rest of evening.
Thursday November 3rd 2016
I did no makeup at all today. It’s been a few months. No reason to unless I really want to and I feel up to it.We had an incredibly quiet and serene prayformance at the Angel Tunnel today. I don’t know how we do it. I know it seems odd, my life, to those who don’t live it. Why do I get up every day and spend two hours doing makeup and two hours singing and playing violin in a tunnel? Well, because it’s the way I have found for my talents to be used to their best ability and make a living doing so. Finances aside, it’s a way for me to constantly try new things and challenge myself to be bolder and more outrageous. I have grown to learn wearing makeup and a costume has nothing to do with the audience, it has everything to do with my desire to be self expressive. Just as long as we sing, people love what we do.
I really played it very low today. Didn’t sing much or sing very high or do any outrageous movements or facial expressions. Mostly I had my eyes closed and was just enjoying our music. I don’t have to do anything if I don’t want to. I prayform because I want to, but the degree to which I prayform is up to me. I can sing high, low, wear makeup or not, wear a costume, or not, play violin or not. It doesn’t matter in what way I prayform, just as long as I am doing it. I just have to do it. Being a sensitive, emotional wreck of a human being is what makes it hard, but also what makes it amazing. I feel everything. I’m not a boom box. I’m not a robot. I’m a living, breathing soul in a physical body. My expression is what I have at hand, my vocal chords, my makeup, my pencils and drawing book, my computer. I realized today how blessed I am to have the gifts I have. I sing like an angel. I am an angel in training, as Thoth says. I want people to appreciate our work. I know it’s one of the most unique things happening in this world today, but I know not everyone will. In the future they’ll wish they did. It’s interesting to know that so fully and clearly. The most important thing is I am living my life the way I want to and I am doing it with someone I love more than anyone in the world.
Sunday October 9th 2016
It was going to rain all day. I called my dad, who we’d meet for dinner later that night around 72nd St. He was surprised we were going out to play in the rain. “It can be good for us.” I said. We got ready as usual. It was pouring with rain as we walked to the train. My shoes got soaked. It was really cold too. Our first cold day in NYC.
We got to the park and the tunnel wasn’t too wet. Our guitarist friend was playing. I called dad to tell him where we’d meet him for dinner. The rain had stopped. We began and despite our first inclinations, we were able to play for almost 2 hours. It was really cold and we both wanted to stop, but we didn’t. Playing when it’s cold is hard, and we were both under-dressed.
We finished and I called dad to let him know we had a great day. The sun had come out. We walked to 72nd and Columbus to have dinner with him. He came in the restaurant just as we sat down. It was so nice to see him. I have great parents! I’ll see them both in Nashville in December. He treated us to dinner and we listened to how he was doing. He lives a very different life than us. We walked him to his car, which was parked in a parking garage nearby. He has a little sports car. Drove here from Nashville in it for his 50th high school reunion. We took the train home, stuffed from dinner.