Friday February 24th 2017
I was very happy to start a new sketch on Wednesday and work on my play. It’s always scary to stare at a blank piece of paper because I never know I will be able to draw something good again, no matter how many good drawings I’ve done before. I was inspired to draw as many creepy faces as I could on the page. When I got up, I read the sweetest message from two new fans from Prague:
“My wife showed me your video earlier today, after she spent half a day listening to you. Now it’s 6 AM here and I’m finishing hours long binge listening to your amazing creations. THANK YOU! You stand out from the noise of music, you create something one would not hope to hear. The land of the orange despot is a bit distant to us these days, but I sure hope you might travel to Europe somewhere we can get and listen to you for hours live. For now we’re gonna figure out how to purchase your records online tomorrow. Well, my biggest hope is that one day we will pay big money to see you in a big baroque concert hall. And I’ll keep searching for a way to contribute a tiny bit to make this happen. Love from your (probably) biggest fans in Prague, Czech Republic.”
Both Thoth and I cried. It touched directly on the dream I have for us. To have someone we don’t even know from halfway around the world write the thing we want to be doing makes it that much closer to happening. It also makes me sad because I know we should be performing in beautiful venues and not have any other options but to perform in public under threat of park rangers. On the other hand, we are truly blessed to have a way to share our music whenever we want to and be creative every day of our lives.
I looked one of those scary faces I drew and wanted to try it as a makeup look. Here’s what happened…
The thing I’m loving is that my disturbing wiring and drawings are seeping into the prayformance. That has never happened before. Darkness is inside me. Always has been. Now I’m not afraid to let it show when I play with Thoth. I’ve only been doing dark looks like these since November. That’s only four months, and now that I have a few dark Gothic dresses I got from my old closet at my mom’s house in Nashville, I’m wearing black too. It’s liberating to be darker and more scary. It’s also fun to see what kind of reaction I’ll get, if any, to the complete change of my look (which is usually none.) People don’t ask me about my makeup or what it means or how I do it. That means I can do whatever I want and people will think whatever they’re going to think. I just follow inspiration wherever it leads me.
I’m very inspired by darkness. Phantom-y stuff. Horror. I love looking at horrific paintings and watching documentaries about serial killers. I love Sweeney Todd and Jekyll and Hyde. Anything about someone who is disturbed and mysterious and possibly bad, yet tender and gentle inside. I liked using crossed painted down my neck and on my head. I wondered if anyone would ask what they mean, but no one did. I’m not religious. I find the cross to be an interesting symbol, as it is a symbol for Yeshua, yet it also is a symbol for torture and violence. Such a simple image with so much meaning behind it.
Makeup gives me the ability to be whoever I want to be and I have the entire pallet available to me now. Pascual came to show his support of our prayformance at the park and soon after Tori and Sister Ida. For some strange reason I saw my cousin Addie from my mothers side of the family. They had to rush away but watched our first song for a moment. My mother’s family has a history of being judgmental towards me, so I didn’t feel comfortable until she left. I don’t like feeling judged, even if that isn’t what is really happening. I’m the black sheep of my family and none of them are apart of my life anymore, accept my sister father and mother. For a long time my mother wasn’t even part of my life. I’m glad that has changed. She and daddy are very supportive now.
We had to move down the hallway away from our usual spot because the white-statue guitar-man was right in front of us. We were nervous to talk to him as sometimes people aren’t so friendly. We played two songs and then Thoth ran over to talk to the man. I could hear them laughing so I knew everything was cool. Thoth and Pascual brought our things back to our spot and I ran to meet him. He was very sweet and really likes what we do. We were both relieved.
We had a lovely prayformance with our friends supporting us. I felt outrageous and beautiful. It’s so freeing and invigorating to be whatever the f*** I want to be, nothing more and nothing less.
I have my sweet Thoth who has inspired me to be whatever I want. No judgments, just the purest and most devotional love and support. He is the best thing I could have ever asked for. His love and support of my crazy weirdness has helped me to be myself fully and utterly. He loves me for what I am and makes me a better person. I love him more than anything in the whole wide world, as he loves me.
“Lila Angelique actually IS a great artist who inspires and creates beautiful things. Who are you to dictate that she can’t have a sense of self worth and know this about herself??? She was born gifted and has spent so much time and energy cultivating and developing these gifts in every way she knows how.”
You are an immeasurable asset to the park and the city while you are here. Undoubtedly tourism satisfaction experienced while you are in residence spikes, and you have extreme world appeal with the amount of ambiguity throughout the work, and all of it basically for free. They are actively placing you into poverty for no quantifiable reason other than control.
“You are masters of the realm beyond.”
The past few days have been weird. Monday was fine. We really relaxed on Monday. The day after prayformance is usually pretty relaxing. One Tuesday we went out to lunch at a cafe, which was nice, but were both feeling like shit. We really couldn’t get over some bad feelings. Today I was immensely cheered up because with the help of Forrest and my dad, we will be able to get to Balboa Park via Uber for our final 8 prayformances in Balboa Park. Our friend even said he may be able to help us next year with car transportation in San Diego. It was messing with my mind all week the thought of having only our bikes to rely on to get around here. It’s so hard. It calmed me and made me feel cared for that people are helping us in the way we really need to be helped. That’s all I needed to cheer me up. Finally! I couldn’t bare the thought of biking to the park and back again eight more times in the hot sun. We’re not able to prayform as long as we like to when we bike. Using Uber will make it so much easier for us, and will make these last two weeks much more enjoyable. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
I realize the other day’s blog post may have turned some people off, but I feel hurt and humiliated when we have to ask our fans for help and the response is….. *crickets chirping.* I don’t like asking for help, I don’t think many people do. I’ve spent the past 7 years that way, even when we didn’t have enough money to eat. We’ve gotten a lot of help over the years from friends and family, but mostly the people who help us just help, or we trust them enough to know they will help if we ask. We don’t ask for help when we prayform in public. We have signs that ask people to do the generous thing, to donate. Those who give to us do so because they want to. There is no begging involved. Some people say I shouldn’t expect people to help us, as they have their own lives and problems to attend to. That is true, but many famous people and organizations rely on, ask for and get help from their fans, so why shouldn’t we?
Maybe I’m having a fantasy about what having lots of fans supporting us means. Fans are not friends. Friends are the ones who really love you, know you, are there you us and stick by you. Fans are people who think they know you and support you up to a point. Our friends are our truest, most super hardcore fans. They stick by us no matter what happens. They don’t get turned off by what I write or vlog about, because they know us. They accept us for who we are and what we feel. Even the biggest, most famous celebrities who have a million fans say they feel lonely. No matter how successful or famous we get, our friends will always be our friends.
We know who our friends are, that’s for sure, and they know who they are. They are the ones who help us, and in return we love and trust them above all others. Most all of them started out as hardcore fans and then became dear friends. Usually people who are hardcore fans of ours become close friends. We never know who those people will be. I am so grateful to them. The ones who come to see us prayform (even who don’t as much, but still love us and think of us), the ones who read my blog and support me no matter how I’m feeling, the ones who give us a place to stay in their homes, the ones who help us out. They are our true fans and friends and we couldn’t do this without their help.
Monday March 21st 2016
How are you all doing? I’m doing quite well these days. Life has been treating me well. We get lots of compliments in the park, but Saturday was hard starting. We had this HUGE crowd and almost EVERYONE walked away when we finished. I actually see that happening more than ever before, because I film and edit daily prayformance vlogs. People gather when we’re loud, and then most of those people walk away immediately when we get softer. We’re not always going to be loud because it would hurt us. Many stay, and those are the ones I need to focus on. The others are just being voyeurs. I can’t pay attention to them.
It is true that in every situation, if one doesn’t have to pay for something, they usually won’t. For an individual watching us to have the sole desecration of how much to give us (or not) is significant because what they give is more meaningful. Those who give to us, and give more than expected, are showing us truly how much they value what we do. I am so grateful for the people who give to us and appreciate us and say nice things to us every day. I will always appreciate it. That’s what keeps me going. We wouldn’t be able to do this without them. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The people who get us are the ones I need to focus on. I know they’re there, reading, supporting and enjoying what we share and do. I’m realizing that more than ever before. Who cares about those who don’t. Sometimes I worry about sharing too much for fear of being hated on or ridiculed or misunderstood. Our music speaks for its self. There really isn’t a need to share more than that, but I like to. I like share more about myself than just singing. I like to share my thoughts, frustrations and feelings about everything I experience. It’s fun. The people who love us understand. Those are the ones that count. Thank you to the people who read my daily ramblings and have compassion for what I’m going through. It means a lot to me. I am so happy we have fans who love us and our work.
Anyway… now for something completely different.
I got an amazingly supportive email from my sister this morning.
“Hello silly faces. I don’t think I’ve actually ever listened to all three of your albums (there are 5 actually) in their entirety. I’ve listened to parts of them but I’ve never listened to the entire thing. I probably lied about that. I think I lied telling you I listened to your entire opera and I only listened to parts of it. I’m on your Tribal Baroque Facebook page listening to parts of every song. and I was like ‘Oh my god I want to listen to the whole fucking thing now.’ I was wondering if you could send me the albums. I know you’ve sent them to me before. I’d love to listen to the full albums.
I watched the Youtube video that you put up today of the girl trying to sing with you. It’s really hysterical because she obviously can’t improvise. She might be able to sing fine but she can’t improvise. It makes me happy that when I came to visit you I didn’t try to sing with you because it’s your thing. It’s not mine. So I’m glad that I saw that. It made me realize how incredibly talented you guys are. I’ve always known that, but in comparison to her, it made me go, ‘WOW, my sister has learned so much from Thoth over the last 6 or 7 years. It’s incredible.’ And sis your right, I couldn’t do what you do, I really couldn’t. Your so confident, and it makes me really proud of you. I hope you know that. I love you both.”
Not many people believed in me, or us when I first started prayforming with Thoth. My family didn’t. They all thought I was nuts. I was, but you have to be nuts in this world to make anything truly magical happen. I knew from the moment I set eyes on Thoth that we were destined to be together and he would help me become my own person. I knew that subconsciously from when I was a kid. That’s how I found him. I was laser focused on what I wanted from the beginning.
OMG! My mom just sent me a new Lamby! I cried when I first saw her. I lost a babe just like her 7 years ago when we first flew to Europe together. I forgot her in the airport because Thoth was so late we missed our flight. Now, 7 years later, I have a new one! It feels like a full circle.