Tag Archives: stress

Loving Hubby Helps to Relieve My Stress

Friday August 12th 2016

Much better day today. It didn’t rain. We made a good choice and got ourselves out of the house for most of the day, from around 11:30am until about 5pm. Wim and Marja were at their studio until after dinnertime. We wandered around, had lunch, and then continued walking. Thoth kept me away from the house and away from my stress and obsession with finding us a place to live in NYC. It was a wonderful day. The kind of day that will stay with us a long time.

Thursday August 11th 2016

A dark day, in more ways than one. It was raining and cold all day long and we didn’t leave the house. I was stressed the entire day about finding a place to live in NYC I could barely handle it. I looked and looked, but people don’t even write back.  I was so obsessed with it I felt like I would be sick. That’s what I do to myself. I get so obsessed with something I don’t have much control over, I make myself crazy. It’s a strong trait of mine, but it also is a weakness that can hurt me. It’s the reason a lot of things have happened in my life. It’s how I got Thoth and am living the life I live, but it’s also how I scare people away.

We went downstairs at night to have dinner with Wim and Marja. It was delicious, I was still depressed and frustrated about us finding a place. Wim gave me some major perspective. He reminded me how we went to Europe the first time and I wasn’t scared. We barely had any money, we had no friends or contacts, just us and our faith in our music, and it all worked out. He asked if I would have done it any differently. Even though it was as times immensely painful and frighting and a total unplanned crap shot, no I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t because what ended up happening. I am a happily married woman to that same man I began traveling so innocently and fearlessly all those years ago. If I wasn’t brave and I didn’t make such a crazy choice, my life wouldn’t be what it is now. So, I have to take risks and be brave. If we don’t have a place in NYC now, I have to have faith we will when we need it. We flew to f**king Marrakech with nowhere to live and survived there with no money for almost two months, we can survive in NYC now with years of experience, a few good friends, our beautiful work and faith. It’s not going to go exactly as I want, but nothing does. Thanks Wim.

We still don’t have a place in NYC for September-November. Fingers crossed.

Another Successful Performance in Vondelpark!

Sunday August 7th 2016IMG_20160807_143016185 IMG_20160807_143054343Another great day. It was rainy and cloudy when I got up around 10am. Thoth was quiet and feeling the mood of the weather, as we sensitive people do. It seemed like it would clear up around 2pm when we’d go to play, thankfully. Wim and Marja had gone to the art studio to work this morning. They would spend the night there and come home tomorrow afternoon. I made a little breakfast, toast, yogurt and a fruit smoothie drink. Thoth ate nothing. He didn’t eat anything yesterday either.

We took the tram to Vondelpark. It was still cloudy and there was no one playing under the bridge. We set up more easily today and played. At first, we didn’t have a crowd at all for our first song. That space is hard to sing in with no crowd. No acoustics, so it’s important to have a crowd. The crowd becomes the acoustics, you know what I mean? I bet you don’t. Only we understand this. As we kept playing, we gathered a big crowd around us and played 4 more songs, to my surprise. I was proud of us for getting through it. I had wanted to stop after just one song! It’s hard, but we did it. We’re so lucky we don’t have to play very long here.

Thoth and I packed up our stuff and sat down to hug and kiss. We were successful, and tired. We walked to the tram, but it was too packed with people, so we walked through the canals home. It is such a beautiful city. We went home to put our things away and change clothes, then walked to Steven’s bar for dinner. They didn’t have the sandwiches we’d wanted, so we went to another bar on the corner. It was more expensive than we’d expected, so I had to run home for more money. I brought extra. We got mini pancakes for dessert, then walked home arm in arm.

I called a friend who said we might be able to rent her apartment in NYC. We had been hanging all our hopes on it, even turning down some other offers in hopes it would work out. She told us tonight it won’t. She had another possibility, but it’s way too far away. So as of right now we have nowhere to live in NYC September 1st through December 1st. Our friend gave us the news that another friend of ours was dying suddenly, which was shocking, and difficult to get to sleep to.

I have trouble not worrying about the future. We are lucky to have our health and have each other. I can’t imagine being without Thoth. I have him now. I can’t worry about the future, but it is terrifying to think he could just be gone one day. No warning or anything. God forbid. I mean that deeply, GOD FORBID!!! We have a place to live in every other city we visit all other times of the year, accept in the Fall. We’re thinking this Fall could be our last time in NYC since finding housing is so stressful it can take away from our happiness when we’re safe and secure in Lisbon or here in Amsterdam, and when we’re in London. It’s ridiculous. All we need is a safe place to live in NYC for 3 months! It’s not a lot to ask. At least we’re lucky this is really our only worry right now. We are safe, happy and everything is fine now.

Twin Trouble Again

Tuesday May 13th 2014

It was extremely hot today. My sister woke me at 11am. “Harriet is here.” she said. I got up, dressed and went downstairs. Harriet, her friend Nasus and Thoth were out back. I went and said hello to them and did a nasal cleanse. Sis made smoothies for herself, Thoth and me and we started hanging streamers. After only hanging very few, we ran out, Sis and I drove to East Oakland to get more. The party store was closed. I put my head in my hands. “What are we going to do?” I said. “Don’t stress. It doesn’t help anything. Just focus on the problem in front of you.” she said. She found another party store in Alameda. “There’s traffic.” she said. “Should we just go home?” “Damn. We really need streamers.” I said. “Let’s go then.” she said. We drove to Alameda, a really cute town near East Oakland. It wasn’t far and the store had everything we needed. “See, everything worked out!” sis said. “Thank you sissy.” I said. We drove home. Sis went next door to get coffee. “I was getting worried about you.” Thoth said when I came in.

Harriet had pretty much finished hanging streamers near the alter, so we all took a break to have lunch. Nana came home and had a Skype session so we were quiet while making grilled cheese. Sis made a mint coffee for herself. Sis and I sat outside and twirled ribbon with scissors and talked. We had a serious talk about her lack of cleanliness around the house. “You left out the sugar and your coffee cup and I had to clean it.” I said. “But I cleaned up after myself when I made coffee and you didn’t notice.” she said. “You only seem to see my mistakes, but you don’t see when I do things right. It’s like you’re looking for me to mess up.” “It’s hard to trust you when you constantly don’t clean up after yourself. You can’t just do it right once and everything’s fine.” I said. I had an idea to hang my dresses on the trees so I went upstairs and hung all my dresses and skirts on hangers and brought them outside. “I’m getting dizzy. I need to go lie down.” sis said when I finished. She went upstairs.

I started hanging streamers using the ladder. I needed sissy’s help. Thoth peaked out the window. “I need help. Can you ask sis to come down?” I said. “You need to do it. I don’t want to get involved. I’ll get angry at her.” he said. “Why won’t she help me?” I said. “I don’t know. She’s sitting in the room looking at your computer.” he said. I went upstairs. “Sis, can you help me?” I asked. “One sec.” she said. “We need to go get a chicken at Safeway.” I said. “Why aren’t you helping me?” “It’s my day off. I’m resting.” she said. She came downstairs. “I’m too dizzy. I can’t drive right now. I need my medicine.” she said. Thoth and I decided we had enough to make caesar salad, so we went to the grocery store next door to get a few extra things. “I want sis to go home.” I said. “Your sister is irritating me.” Thoth said. “Me too,” I said. “I don’t know why she won’t help me.” “While I was resting in the bedroom, she came in and said ‘I need to lie down’ and proceeded to collapse on the bed. She just parades around like she owns the place and gets in my space. If she’s not going to help you, you shouldn’t let her use your computer.” he said. ‘”I’m going to ask her to go home.” I said.

When we got home, I went upstairs. “Sis, can you go home, please?” I asked. “Why?” she said. “We just need some space.” I said. “What did I do?” she said. “You’re getting in Thoth’s space and you’re not helping me.” I said. “I did help you today.” she said. “But I needed help with the streamers and you wouldn’t help me.” I said. “Please let me stay. I’m feeling depressed and I really need my medicine.” she said. “Maybe I should just kill myself. You hate me, Thoth hates me, Nancee hates me. It would be better if I  just fell over dead.” “Sis, don’t take it to such extremes.” I said. She collapsed on the bed and covered her face. Then she suddenly got up, left the room, slammed the door, went into the bathroom and slammed the door. I went downstairs. “I don’t know what to do Thoth.” I said. “What was that noise?” he said. “Sis. She’s in the bathroom.” I said. “Why is she slamming Nancee’s doors? This isn’t her house.” Thoth said. “She’s acting exactly like mom. She’s playing the victim.” I said. I went back upstairs and knocked on the door. “Sis? Can I talk to you?” I said. “One second.” she said. “Please?” I said. She let me in. She was on the floor. “Tell me how you feel.” I said. “I feel like I have nowhere to go. When I come here you guys get mad at me and I don’t feel at home at my place either.” she said. “Can I tell you how I feel? I’m really scared.” I said. “I don’t want to hear it. It will just make me sad.” she said. “OK.” I said and went back downstairs. “I can’t talk to her.” I said to Thoth. She came downstairs and slammed the door. I peaked out the window and saw her drive off. “She left without saying goodbye.” I said. “I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid she’s going to turn into mom. She won’t face what she’s doing wrong. Instead she’s blaming everyone else, just like mom does. What if she becomes like that and I can’t talk to her anymore? I feel like she’s not my sister anymore.” I said.

Nana came home and I told her what happened. “You need to accept that she’s going to be upset for a while. Just let her be for now and you can talk later. When she’s getting all this negative feedback from you, she’s going to be reactive at first.” Nana said. “I’m amazed you can be so compassionate towards her, even though she’s annoyed you a lot recently.” I said. “That’s the amazing thing about Nancee.” Thoth said. “It’s good to have a therapist as a friend.” I said to Nana. What sis needs to understand is I’ve worked very hard to earn Thoth’s and Nancee’s trust. Just because she’s my sister doesn’t mean she gets the same privileges I get. I’ve worked very hard to be able to live with people and travel all over the world. It has taken a lot of growing up on my part. After eating dinner, Thoth, Nana and I went outside to finish decorating. I finished hanging streamers while Thoth and Nana put out all the lights. “It’s like Burning Man!” I said. “It’s your own version.” Nana said. “We did a lot today.” I said. Thoth went to bed and I stayed up watching the rest of “Farinelli.”

Brazilian Consulate, Marriage Licence and Tourette’s without Regrets

Thursday May 1st 2014

There was a note on the bed from Thoth when I woke up. “I’ll call you when I’m finished with the Brazilian Consulate. I left at 10:30. I love you.” It was 11. The phone rang and I ran downstairs thinking it was Thoth. It wasn’t. I did a nasal cleanse and lay on the couch. I still didn’t feel well. My body was weak and my stomach still felt a bit nauseous. The phone rang. “I don’t think we’ll be able to get the visas as easily as I thought.” Thoth said. “Why? What’s wrong?” I asked. “I stood in line for 2 hours at the Consulate and they said they only accept money orders. I’m now in line at the post office. I have to get back to the Consulate by 1pm or they’ll be closed. It’ll take a week the get the Power of Attorney, they I have to make an appointment to get visas, then it’ll take 2 weeks for them to be ready. It’ll be a miracle if they’re ready on time.” Thoth said. “I’ll call you back in a minute.” We may not be able to go to Brazil after all. He called back after a little while. “I was able to get back to the Consulate and give them the money order.” he said. “You didn’t have to wait in line again?” I asked. “No, they let me come back up to the front.” he said. “So you got done what you needed to do. Do you want to meet me at BART and go get our Marriage License?” I asked. “I don’t know, Young Lady. I’m in a really bad mood.” he said. “If we do it now then we won’t have to do it later.” I said. “OK, I’ll meet you at the Rockridge BART.” he said.

I put on sunscreen and biked to the BART station. Thoth wasn’t there yet so I waited for him. When the train arrived, I saw him and called, “Thoth!” He came over to me and kissed me. “Why didn’t you say Bunny? I’m in a bad mood, it was perfect moment to call me Bunny.” he said. “I’m sorry, Bunny!” I said. He gave me the bike keys and I went down the escalator and locked up my bike with his. I bought my ticket and went through the gate. Thoth and I found a seat and talked while waiting for the train. “I wonder if they’ll pay us back for all the travel we’ve been doing to get this visa.” I said. “I doubt they will.” Thoth said. “I don’t even know if it will happen.” He seemed like he was in a pretty good mood, but I wasn’t.

We took the train to Lake Merritt and walked to the Alameda County Clerk’s Office. It was like being at the DMV. We signed some papers and waited for our number to be called. “Congratulations.” a woman said. “You get to say that all the time.” Thoth said. “All these people are getting married.” I said. “I’ve never done this before and probably won’t ever do it again.” “Well I’m sure I won’t, but I’m not sure about you.” Thoth said. “Do you think I’ll get remarried when you die?” I asked. “I’m not sure, Young Lady.” Thoth said. Our number was called and we went up to a woman who was very friendly. She asked us some questions about our wedding and printed off the papers we need to sign on the wedding day. We gave her money. “You need to send it back here within 10 days of the wedding and we’ll give you the official certificate of marriage.” she said.

We walked back to the BART station and took the train to Rockridge. We then biked up the hill to Nancee’s house. I called my sister and she came over. I was really tired and needed to lie down. “We still have to perform at Tourette’s without Regrets tonight and I’m afraid I’m going to faint.” I said. Thoth was in a really dark mood. Sis got me some tomato soup and I put my makeup on. “Damn, I forgot to string my bells!” I said. I haphazardly strung them together and made some CDs. Sis drove us to the Oakland Metro Opera House. “Thank you, sissy for being our chauffeur, even though we’re both in a bad mood. ” I said. “I will carry you two anywhere and you don’t need to thank me. You are my sister and I love you both.” she said. Someone broke into her car yesterday and the front passenger window was smashed. “I have to get it fixed tomorrow.” she said. There was already a line of people waiting to get into the venue. Sis found a parking spot and we walked in the front doors.

The music was so loud! Jamie DeWolf saw us and said hello. He’s the guy who hired us for the event and has been running the show since 1999. We told the DJ we don’t want to use microphones. Thoth forgot to bring earplugs so sis got us some napkins which we tore up and put in our ears. A guy asked for our ID’s. “I know you’re performing here, but it’s 21+.” he said. I didn’t have mine so he drew big X’s on my hands with a black marker. I washed it off in the bathroom later. Backstage, we took out our violins and I asked Jamie when we’d play. “From around 9:30 to 10:30.” he said. The sound of the booming subwoofers was hurting my body. Sis and I walked around the venue and danced a bit. “Isn’t it cool you can come to a free show with us?” I said to sis. “Yeah. I like it.” she said. “And if we start doing more shows you can always come for free because you’re my sister.” I said. Thoth was sitting backstage very quietly. He was very sad. After the show started, he said, “I want to go home.” “Do you not want to play? We’re going on after a few more sets.” I said. “I don’t like it here.” he said. “It’ll be over soon.” I said and hugged him. “Are yo mad at me?” I asked. “Kind of. I don’t know why you brought us here.” he said. “I didn’t know it was going to be like this.” I said. I went over to Jamie. “Thoth is having a hard time. Can we get our money and leave when we’re finished?” I asked. “Sure the call girl has the money.” he said. I headed Jamie on stage say, “Who’s had a stressful day?” I raised my hand. This cute girl with short blonde hair gave me a back massage. I started feeling her up, just because I wanted to. I love Burlesque for that reason. Everyone’s so touchy feely and sexy and friendly. If you like someone, you can just touch them. “Only two more acts. Are you ok?” he said to Thoth. “I’m fine.” Thoth said. Finally, Jamie introduced us. He told the audience of about 300 people to be quiet because we don’t use amplification. The silence was intense as Thoth spun the spirit catcher. The sound of the room wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Our voices could be heard easily. We played “The Waltz.” When Thoth started singing, people cheered, and when we finished, the applause hurt my ears it was so loud. We played “Gypsy Dance” as an encore. We got a standing ovation and the applause was just awe inspiring. I’ve never heard people scream so loud for us. I felt like we were famous. When we left the stage, everyone thanked us and hugged us. “I’ll meet you outside.” Thoth said. I got money from the door girl and everyone was complimenting me. Sis and I watched a little more of the show and I went looking for Thoth. He was out near the car. “I didn’t know where you were.” I said. “I needed to get out of there.” he said. I went to get sis. “I want to stay!” she said. “Thoth wants to go home.” I said. Sis drove us home, we made dinner, took showers and worked on computers until we went to bed. God, what an intense day!!