Tuesday August 23rd 2016
We took the train into London Victoria today. It was our first day exploring without any bags or violins. It was amazing. London is a very special city. One of my favorites, if not my absolute favorite. It’s amazing we can come here for weeks at a time. When I was 16 we were only here for 5 days, and we had to rush around like maniacs doing all these pre-planned activities. Though I did like living in a nice hotel in the center of town and eating at fancy restaurants and not having to worry about money back then, this way of traveling is so unique and special. We live like locals, just like I wanted to when I was a kid. No one else in the world lives and travels like we do. Sometimes it is so overwhelming and scary I can’t handle it, but at times like these it is all worth it. The torturous agony of flying and the fear of the future, the frustrations, the depressions… it’s all clear now. Just last week in Amsterdam I was so f**king freaked out about finding us a place to stay in NYC I didn’t know what to do. Now I am actually excited to be in NYC because we’ll be living with artists. I’m not scared, I’m curious what will happen. I know that no matter what happens, we will be OK!
We spent many hours wandering around the city. We had lunch at a cute little place. I treated us. We went to the theater district and got donugts for dessert. We passed through many resonant spaces, which we may try to play in this week. I believe our play spot is in the theater district. There are so many beautiful buildings and resonant walkways there. We stopped by Her Majesty’s Theater where I saw Phantom when I was 16. It was eerie to be back in a place I was at over 10 years ago. My life was immensely different then, and I was a completely different person. We came upon a billboard with MICHAEL CRAWFORD’s face on it. I freaked out. He’s in a new musical called “The Go-Between”. Michael played the original Phantom, my favorite character of all time. That’s who I “act” as sometimes. I want badly to go see it. Maybe we will! We took the bus back to London Victoria station and took the train back home to Sutton. It was a truly lovely day for us. I am so happy to be a grown up and to be independent and free to do as I wish, within reason and with responsibility and forethought. I am so grateful to be able to be here in this city.
Monday August 22nd 2016
We took a walk in Sutton. Went into the supermarket and then found a place to have a big English Breakfast. We went home and stayed in our room for the rest of the day. In the night we went outside to the picnic bench where Kaja and Emil were playing a video of us for their friends. Grandma had made dinner for us, which I helped him bring outside. Thoth went back inside to work more and I stayed with Kaja and Emil and talked for a long time. We are so blessed. So, so blessed.
Friday July 2nd 2016
I don’t do what I do for you to like me. I don’t do it for your approval. I’m not writing this for you either. I don’t care if you don’t like me. I love you if you do, but I don’t cater what I do to you. I’m not posting pictures of my looks for you. I’m not singing for you. I’m not playing violin for you. I’m not doing anything for you. I’m doing it for me. I don’t care what you think about me or what I’m doing. You can’t advise me when I’m feeling down. You don’t know what I’m going through. There’s no reason for people to care about me, and yet people do. It’s amazing anyone does. I’m a very small person in a very big world. If I make any impact at all, that is astounding, and I know I do. I love the people who love Thoth and me, but I couldn’t give two shits about the others.
My world is small, complex and unique. I write about it here and make vlogs, but there’s nothing I can convey to make you truly understand or like me. Either you do or you don’t. I’m not vlogging or blogging for you. I do that for me, too. It’s a document of my experiences and growth. I share it so if someone can take inspiration from the musings in my head about my strange little life, then that’s great. If people find inspiration in the strange little thing I do called prayforming, then that’s fantastic. The best I can do is keep doing my work and not listen to anything that doesn’t empower me.
It’s of no importance what others think. It’s a freeing thing to say. Immensely satisfying. It’s debilitating to be doing things for approval from others. Everyone is their own unique person with their own unique dreams and values. No one can do for me what I can do for myself. No one can make the things happen I want unless I do. We have a vision, and we make it happen every day. I am fearless and fervently devoted to the work I do with Thoth. I would die for it. I don’t care what anybody thinks about that. I used to, and it really fucked me up. I can’t wait for something to happen outside me, I have to do it myself. I can’t hope for people to be more understanding and accepting, I have to be myself. I am what I want to see in the world. I can’t make anyone feel or do or say anything they haven’t chosen to. It’s a miracle we keep ourselves alive with our work, and that is all that matters. Sure I get down, but I always get up and keep playing.
I used to be scared of offending people or turning people off or doing something that made people misunderstand me. I couldn’t deal with the idea that someone hated or disliked or misunderstood me. It was maddening, but now I’m free of that. I stopped giving two shits what people think. I’ve stopped trying to please everyone. I don’t want to please you, I want to challenge you and move you. I don’t want to be easy to swallow. Being a public performer makes a lion out of you. It shows you who you are and what you’re truly capable of. It puts you face to face with your fears. It molds you into a tough, strong, fearless warrior, especially doing it as uniquely as we do.
I’ve done things at my age most people will never do in their lifetimes because they’re too scared to fail. I’ve never been afraid to fail, because I knew I would never give up. I threw myself into a life of traveling and prayforming with Thoth, throwing caution to the wind back in 2009. No one believed in us then accept for one or two friends, but look at us now. You have to sacrifice everything in order to make your dreams happen. There’s just no pussy-footing around it. Either you go for it %150 or you don’t and end up regretful and bitter in your old age. I will never regret the choices I’ve made. Every day I am reminded I made the best choice of my life, because every day I get to do what I love for a living. I am a professional singer. I’ve never been anything else. I knew that’s what I wanted to be and so that’s what I am. No naysayers could ever stop me. If you follow the voice of your heart with determination, confidence and fearlessness and have faith your dreams are real, then anything is possible. Anything is possible if you follow your heart every day of your life and you try to be kind to others and good to yourself. If I died singing to Thoth, I’d die a happy woman.
Sunday April 3rd 2016
Here’s a look at my makeup from this week’s prayformances! It’s fun to compare and contrast. It’s pretty cool how I can do a completely different look every single day!
Thursday’s look. It seemed busy in the park, but ended up being slower than expected.
Friday’s look. Nice day. Day before permits. Had tacos for dinner. People knew us.
Saturday’s look. Permit day. (Which we ignore.) Harassed by a masked man. Was sad and distracted. 🙁
Sunday’s look. Had a wonderful day with lots of friends coming to watch us unexpectedly!
Here’s my personal vlog from Saturday and Sunday night. Very different feelings!
What a great Sunday! We had a bad taste in our mouths after the masked man bothered us on Saturday. Thoth was very sullen and quiet all morning. I have learned to let him be when he’s sad. It has nothing to do with me. He get sad because he’s tired of being disrespected by the world. I will always love and respect him.
We didn’t talk about what we were both feeling during our drive to the park, and were sad to see the masked man in the same place. I hoped he wouldn’t bother us again. To our surprise, two people came to see us and we were instantly cheered up. “He’s just jealous of your crowds.” they said. Mario was eyeing my makeup enthusiastically. “It looks like a sugar skull, like Day of the Dead.” he said. “I just want to eat your face!” 🙂 “You do it yourself?” he asked. “Yup.” I said. More people started arriving. Tasha and… Forrest! We hadn’t seen him since my birthday weekend last month. He’s working really hard to be independent.
We played for 2 and a half hours and had the best time. I saw the masked man crane his neck to look at our audiences during “Anya.” I gave him a look before we started. What a jerky dumb ass. I only take issues with other street performers when they do things to try and stop us. Other than that, I don’t care. There’s no one in the world who does what we do. Have some respect, buddy.
“You are clearly trained. Have you sung opera?” A woman asked me during a break. “I was training to be an opera singer.” I said. “Have you sung Queen of the Night?” she asked. “No, but I know it well. I could if I wanted to, but I don’t.” I said. “I’m a soprano. I’m lucky if I can hit a high C.” she said. “I don’t even know how high I can sing.” I said. “I’ve recorded myself singing an A above high C.” I said. “It’s really interesting to hear a voice like yours singing music like this.” she said. “Thank you.” I said. I wish I got that conversation on film! I like when musical people talk to us.
We were so blissful today. So happy. No one bothering us! Yay! When we finished, Tasha and Forrest walked to our car with us. The sun was setting. It was so beautiful! They’re going to have dinner with us next Sunday, if he can get time off work. We hugged them goodbye and drove to Sabi Lee to get takeout, then we drove to the Casbah where we were going to do a little performance. We got there at 7 and weren’t going to play until 9:30. We were both starving, but we don’t eat until after prayformance. It’s a discipline of ours. We sat and watched the planes go by and hung around until time to play. We were both too tired to do more than 2 songs, but the guy who brought us paid us, surprisingly.
What a great day!!!
Watch the vlog I made!
Sunday March 27th 2016
Here’s a look at my makeup designs for the week.
Friday’s makeup: (A surprisingly good day with David doing more filming of us for the documentary. I was particularly creatively inspired and improvised a lot.)
Sunday’s makeup: (Our big fans and good friends Ellen and John came from Oregon to join us for an amazing wonderful 2 and a half hour Easter prayformance!)
What an amazing Sunny Bunny Hunny Easter Sunday!!! We really went for it today! I even drew a little sketch in the morning! I am a well rounded creative person. 🙂 I draw, do makeup, make my own outfits, sing, play violin, dance and act! I believe any true artist is skilled in many creative fields.
Why do I do such incredibly complicated makeup every day? Because I want to. I used to do it for others, now I do it for me. I don’t have to do complex makeup. It makes no difference in how people interact with us. It’s rare anyone compliments me on my designs. They’re too busy complimenting us on our singing. 🙂Our prayformance yesterday was great, but today was UH-mazing. We must seem like aliens from another planet! Seriously. People must think we dropped from the fucking sky. Who in the world puts on copious amounts of makeup and costumes and goes out in public and dances, plays violin and sings their fucking lungs out for 2 hours, or longer? On top of that playing completely original music? We played our one hour opera today, and played an hour and a half more of our old music! We improvised, too! When we have big audiences the entire time there’s no telling what we’ll do!
The average witness to our work is completely uninformed. There’s tons of info about us online, but the average person watching us doesn’t know who we are, nor do they have a fucking clue what’s going on. On Sunday, an audience member didn’t know which case to put his tip in. He said, “Could I put it in either one, or are you guys separate?” That shows you. Nobody knows. People don’t know we’re married, or that we’ve been doing this work together 7 years (or Thoth alone had been doing it for 20 years), or where our music comes from, or where we’re from, or what we’re doing here, or why we’re doing this, or how it was created, or what they’re supposed to do or… They don’t know if they should clap or cheer or laugh or cry or scream or dance or run away or where they should stand. No. Fucking. Clue. The fact we’re able to do this and not do anything else is a fucking miracle. Yes, I said fuck. FUCK!
There’s so much history behind what we do and how it was created. These days we’re getting a lot of that awe-inspired question “How? How did you create this?” It’s as though that question people can see and feel the depth of what we’re doing. If we become successful and famous there will be so much history for people to delve into. When I think of people who are famous, like famous singers, they weren’t doing their creative work as long as we have. I think eventually we will be so incredibly and profoundly good at what we do, the world won’t be able to ignore us anymore. We already are, but the world just isn’t ready for us yet. It will come in time.
It’s interesting how depressed I was in January and February. Whenever I’m deeply depressed, something is coming that is always positive and good for us. That never fails. Right before our successful debut in Martha’s Vineyard I was so depressed, both years. When I’m that sad, I feel like nothing will change, that I’ll be sad forever. It’s hard when I’m in a pit remember to remember I can climb out and I will see the sunshine.
I need to stop giving myself a hard time. We’re amazing. There’s no one like us in the whole fucking world.
From a fan who saw us on Sunday:
“Thank you for your dedicated art! Both of you are beautiful, powerful, talented and skilled. Such a treat to see you on Easter. Flow, share and bathe in all the massive success you two deserve!”
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.
I am humbled by people’s appreciation of our work, but I also very much know we are deeply worthy of it. Yay!
Vlogs will be posted soon. Here’s one from Saturday, in case you haven’t seen it.