Saturday February 25th 2017
Sh*t. I was awake in bed from 11pm until 2am. I couldn’t sleep because our housemate coughs a lot (and because I’ve over sensitized myself to the sound). It’s nightmarish when I can’t sleep. I feel so alone and isolated. I tried getting up to ask him not to cough, but he was asleep. At 2am I got up and wrote him a note and put it on his desk. I hate feeling like I’m harping on people. We’re in a loft, so any sounds the other person makes at night can be heard by everyone else. That’s the only downside to living here. At the other place we lived in years past, it was dead silent and I got over sensitized to the sound of my ears ringing, which made me feel like I was going crazy. It’s always something.
Of course I was tired when I woke up at 9am. I didn’t get any work done either. Thoth told me our electricity bill was sky high, which terrified me. We don’t do great here financially January and February so it scares me when we have to pay so much money for things unexpectedly. I tried to lay down and nap at 11, but I’m not sure I fell asleep. My nerves were shot. I was sleep deprived and pessimistic all day. Tomorrow is my birthday, so I hope I feel better and get some sleep. I need a solid 8 hours in order to function and I’m just not getting that these days.
I guess to reflect how I was feeling, I did some pretty horrific makeup.
Since I felt like shit, I thought I’d look like shit too. When I feel bad, no matter how I look, I think I look awful. I hate that feeling. We biked to the park and it was one of those days I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through. I didn’t do very well. A few times I just hung my head in sadness after a song. The combination of sleep deprivation and fears about money is a bad mix. I was focusing on the wrong things, which makes me angry and beside myself. Yesterday I had a great day, and it wasn’t like we really did well, but I did well. I created a great look and played and sang my very best. I was focused on the right things yesterday; creativity and self expression. When I get sucked into focusing on money I get depressed. The thought that we are deserving of much more than we get, which is a horrible thought. I like much better being grateful for what I have, instead of mad for not getting what I feel we deserve more of. That’s a completely unproductive and soul-sucking feeling. Horrible. I hate that feeling of wanting to throw my violin on the ground and cry. I felt that today a few times. It happens because I loose all my strength and self direction to deal with our life. I don’t know how Thoth dealt with bad days by himself. Once after a piece I had to sit it out and collect myself while Thoth did a solo, then later during an improv I stopped playing and singing all together because I felt so shitty. People were clapping for someone performing near us and it was so noisy there didn’t seem to be any space for our work. Sometimes it feels like we have to cramp our music into this tiny little space and no one cares if we survive or not. I felt so alone, even though there were three protectors there; Pascual, Tori and Bill. Seeing the park rangers walk by before we started made me feel sick with fear, too. I played a solo and felt like I got a lot of my feelings out. Bill was crying when I finished. I was exhausted but happy I got through such a hard play. On days like these I’m just happy to get through it.
Why do I not want people to think my life is perfect? Because it isn’t! Most people who had a life like mine of traveling and performing would always be posting and sharing positive things. I don’t. If things are rough, I don’t shy away from it for fear of sounding ungrateful. I feel what I feel. Every day is different. Everyone has their own problems and I refuse not to share mine. I’m scared and hopeful and disheartened and emotional and loved and cherished and cared for and I strive every day to share my voice with anyone who will listen. That is all I can do.
We came home and ate and Thoth tried to set up a speaker so I could pump in the sound of a fan to help block out our housemates cough. It didn’t help. I had to get up and ask him gently to try as hard as he could not to cough. He did and I finally could fall asleep! Yay!
May 19th-21st 2015
Hey everyone! We’re in Lisbon!!!!! 🙂 Our friends Chris and Khalil picked us up before our flight on Tuesday to have breakfast. To our surprise, Khalil paid for our food and dropped us at the Oakland airport! There was a long line to check in. We took that time to each weigh our bags. Mine was exactly 44 lb. but Thoth’s was 6 lb. over. He took out the thing that was heavy (the tripod) and put it over his shoulder. The gentleman who checked us in was very nice to us. “Hello pink princess!” he said. That immediately put me at ease.
Our first flight (to Oslo) was fine. We took off at 4pm and arrived the next morning at 10am. I never try to sleep on planes. Thoth does. He conked out for a couple of hours. Instead I watched a couple of movies. Once we landed, we went through border control and waited for our flight to Lisbon, which was at 2. I wanted to lay down so badly! That 4 hour flight wasn’t so nice. We were on this very small, cramped plane and they didn’t give us water freely. It was only accidental that they gave me a free bottle. They didn’t even feed us. I got dehydrated and was very hungry of course. My nose was coated with dried blood and my throat hurt. Fun!
Our friend Nuno and his girlfriend Sarah picked us up at the airport. We didn’t even have to call them! They drove us to Pensao Atalaia in Barrio Alto and Sarah helped us bring our bags in. The house keeper gave us keys to a room upstairs and explained we’d pay Vonda tomorrow. She’s the only one who speaks English. Maria, her mother, is the sweetest woman. It’s taken a long time for her to warm up to us. When she saw us, she kissed us both and said in Portuguese, “Is everything cool?” Neither she nor the house keeper speak a lick of English.
We put our stuff in our room then went back out with Nuno and Sarah to have dinner. They took us to a really cool area in a market where there were tons of food options. First we got some chicken, then decided to have sushi. We were both starving. Nuno already started talking about his idea to do a documentary. We’ll see what happens. We got dessert and met Nuno’s cousins and uncle who helped him make our music video. I got my first traditional kisses on each cheek. 🙂
Nuno took us home, I took a much needed shower and we got in bed.
I woke up at 4:45 am and Thoth was up working on his computer. I was so discombobulated that I couldn’t fall back to sleep for a few hours. Finally I did, but I woke up again at 2:30 in the afternoon. Oh well. “I don’t want to stay in this room.” Thoth said. “Do you want to go downstairs?” I asked. “Lets go talk to Vanda.” he said. We went downstairs and Vanda greeted us with hugs. She showed us a few rooms and we chose one downstairs with a double bed that we liked. We were both so hungry we went out to have lunch. The place we liked to go that has scones was closed and under different management. It looks like its a burger joint now. We’ll go there sometime and check it out. Instead, we went to a cafe down the street. The same woman still works there. We went down to the park to look at the view, then we went home.
We took everything from upstairs to our new room downstairs and got organized. I like our new room. It’s very cozy, and we can sleep together. We’re going to the Brasserie for dinner tonight! It’s one of our favorite restaurants in the world. They old serve two dishes: a salad with salmon and the tenderest steak imaginable with french fries!!!!!
Dinner was so much fun! The waiter recognized us and served us well. What a fun evening out! We saw some buskers who recognized us and asked if we’d be playing tomorrow! We looked at our old spots in Chiado. I think we’ll try playing there tomorrow night.
Thursday July 31st 2014
I am so tired as I write this. I got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night. My head is about to hit the pillow any moment. I hate sleep deprivation. I’ve felt like this 3 times in the past 2 months from traveling.
We had to get up at 5am to get to the airport in Amsterdam to catch our flight to Newcastle. It was painless getting through security and to our gate. Border Control in Newcastle was irritating, though. I was let through easily, though the guard did question me thoroughly. I made sure not to mention anything about us performing. Thoth, however, was held up because he said we’re performing at the Fringe. If we ever mention ‘performing’ to a border guard, they get suspicious. The guard thought Thoth needed a permit to perform at the Fringe, but we would be getting that when we arrived in Edinburgh, not before! It was completely stupid, and totally stressful. I waited outside the gate and all these horrible scenarios flashed through my mind. What if he was refused entry to the UK? Thankfully, he was stamped and let through after being detained for 20 minutes. WTF?
I was really pissed as we bought our metro tickets. Why does Thoth have to be so honest? “When are you going to learn? Never say we’re performing.” I said. I apologized for being mean when we got on the metro. I was worried we’d miss our train. We made it with 10 minutes to spare. God I hate traveling. The train ride was painless. Edinburgh was much busier. We walked to the Royal Mile and got our Fringe pass. There were tons of performers around, none of them very good. My first impression of the Fringe was amateurism and cheesiness.
We had breakfast at a cafe and lugged our bags home. We both collapsed on the bed and took a nap. I could barely do anything else but try to sleep. A note from the post office was on the ground saying my dance shoes had arrived. I went to try and get them, but the post office was already closed. Thoth went out to get groceries and we made dinner. I tried to stay up, but I could barely keep my eyes open to write.