Tag Archives: self doubt

Protected: The Darkness in Me and Our First Performance in 3 Weeks (+Two New Videos)

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It Gets Better!

Saturday March 14th 2015

I look so beautiful, how could I have had a difficult day?

Look, a fried egg on my head. 

Our summer is all set! I bought our plane tickets to Lisbon and Amsterdam (and maybe we’ll go to London, too!) We’re leaving May 19th, the day after our wedding anniversary. Summer in Europe! I’ve missed Lisbon and I’m so excited. It’s such a relief to have bought the plane tickets almost 2 months before leaving. Now we don’t have to worry about it anymore. 🙂 Yay hurray!!

Today it was hot as hell. You could have fried an egg on my head it was so fucking hot. The sun felt like death on our bike ride. Days like these call for very skimpy costumes, hair up and very little makeup. The heat really gets to me. Thoth, too. “I’m not a sun bunny anymore.” he said.

Our performance felt strange to me at first. I was extremely unsure and doubtful of myself. I wondered if anyone liked what we were doing. Why do I doubt myself? Why can’t I feel what our audiences are feeling? When we finished the opera, we played some of the old pieces. The applause and reaction was exactly the same. It was just me doubting myself.

Our friends, the two Susans, came to see us. They got to see the second half of the opera, and a few of the old pieces, plus a completely improvised piece. We didn’t film it, but someone in the audience did. They said they’d send it to me. I hope they will! I felt better by the time we finished. “I don’t hear the difference from when you are improvising and doing a rehearsed piece,” Susan said. “I could listen to your voice forever.” They sat with us for over an hour while we waited for the sun to go down. They bought the new CD. Susan wants me to give a masterclass for her singers on how I use my whistle tone so effortlessly. Wow. I’ve never been invited to do something like that. One moment I’m doubting if I’m any good at what I do, the next I get invited to do a masterclass. Goes to show me I guess. The other Susan said it feels like something magical just happened and clapping will break the spell.

Laughing at something Susan said.

Laughing at something Susan said.

The sun was setting as we biked home, so it wasn’t so hot. My mother had called, so I called her back once we got home. She had listened to the new album, and adored it. She took notes and read them to me. She had nothing but praise for the new album. She was actually crying when she first called me. She said the ending was perfect. That’s what made her cry. 🙂  Just then Michael, our drummer friend, called. I called him back. He’d just gotten the album two days ago and had listened to it twice. “It’s so magical.” he said. He said he felt magical when we were recording but didn’t know if was just because the atmosphere was so full of love He wondered if it would transfer to the album. It did. I was wondering that, too. I told him of my doubts today. He totally sympathized because he goes through the same thing when he performs. I gave the phone to Thoth so they could talk.

Isn’t it interesting how I get that kind of deeply supportive feedback I needed during the prayformance when I was finished. It’s like I did my duty and I’m getting my reward. Michael said I have to realize I’m giving love and it will come back to me eventually. Maybe in an hour, maybe by the end of the day, maybe in a year, but it will come. Thoth said something so sweet to me. I’m so lucky to have a friend like him. “You keep me going.” I said to him. “I’m doing my duty as an angel in training, helping a young angel find her path.” he said.