Saturday December 19th 2015
Hey guys… Soo…. For some reason I got inspired to make this quick video about something very personal to me…
My “Erik” voice. I’m nervous as I listen to it. It’s very intimate. I’ve never shared it with anyone before, now I’m sharing it with the whole world.
You could say I’m inspired by the other Erik monologues I’ve listened to on Youtube, namely a friend of mine’s and by Benedict Cumberbatch live action vocal performance of Smaug on Youtube. Look it up if you haven’t seen it already. He really goes for it. It inspired me to go for it with this voice. I hope you enjoy.
Wednesday December 10th 2015
Such a wonderful day! Thoth went to visit his mom, so I got to spend the entire day with my sister! We met at BART at 11am and took it to the Embarcadero. She got a bike to rent and we biked along the Embarcadero to Pier 39. We parked our bikes and watched at the sea lions, all of whom were barking and sleeping on the pier. I’d never seen them there before! We then biked to Joe’s Crab Shack for lunch and I got a chocolate strawberry at Garadelli Square. We were tired from eating lunch, so we lay down on the grass and took a nap all snuggled together. I didn’t want to get up after a half hour. but it was starting to drizzle so we biked back to the Ferry Building and returned her bike. We took BART home and I walked my bike up the hill to Nancee’s house. I was home at 6, Thoth got back at 9 from his mom’s. I was glad he got home tonight. My father is arriving from Nashville tomorrow and we’re going out to dinner with everybody! I managed to make a video. I’m wondering if my videos are too short. I edit down 12-15 minutes of footage to a minute or 2. I don’t want to bore anyone! What do you think? What’s a good length?
My sister and I begged Mom to take us to New York to see Phantom of the Opera when we were 12. Mom found out Howard McGillin was playing the role. He had performed in LaBoheme with her 30 years ago at the Public Theatre in New York! “Maybe we can go backstage.” Mom said. I couldn’t believe it. Our first time seeing our favorite show, and our Mom knows the Phantom?! After several friendly correspondences with Howard, he graciously offered us house seats and three backstage passes to the show. OH. MY. GOD.
Before going to New York, mom dug through some old recordings and found a taped performance of La Boheme. I was breathless as I waited to hear Howard’s voice. And what a voice he had! Creamy and smooth, like the Broadway voices of old. And so handsome! I couldn’t wait to meet him.
That summer, we flew to New York, checked in a Milford Plaza, and walked around the corner to look at the Majestic Theatre. “Oh my God, there he is!” we said staring dreamily at a poster of Howard.”He’s beautiful!” His swollen lip protruded under the half mask, making him look sullen and desperate.
On the last night of our trip, we were delirious with excitement as we walked into the lobby of the Majestic. Mom bought us programs and we waited restlessly to be let into the theatre. It felt like this was the culmination of my life to see this show. Finally, the ushers escorted us to our seats. “These seats are amazing! I can see everything” I said. We ran down to look into the orchestra pit, waiting with baited breath for the show to begin. I was almost nervous. My palms were so sweaty, I stained the cover of my program.
Sis and I squeezed each others hands as the lights went down and the actors took their places. “Here we go sis!” I whispered. The Overture made my hair stand on end as the chandelier was unveiled and hoisted majestically above our
heads. I couldn’t help singing under my breath to every song. We were practically falling out of our seats during the Mirror scene. For a moment, we both mistook the conductor’s reflection for the Phantom’s. Suddenly, with a tremolo of violins, Howard’s voice rose up over the audience like a charge of electricity. Powerful. It was as if I had been waiting my whole life for this moment. My armpits were sweating as he swept Christine away behind the mirror. I was gob smacked as the candles rose from floor and the boat drifted into view. “Music of the Night” was like watching my own sexual fantasy on stage. Every other woman in the audience was probably feeling the same thing. Each scene with Howard left me breathless. He was the perfect Erik.
Uncommonly tall with beautiful hands, and his voice was powerful, yet vulnerable at the same time. I felt every emotion. As he emerged from the Angel statue at the end of Act I, his hand came up trembling. After singing in a high childlike voice, he began to cry. I flung myself into mom’s lap sobbing as the curtain descended. The second act sucked me in like a pearl sinking in mud. “Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer” was unbearably erotic and intense. When he cried, “GO NOW, GO NOW AND LEAVE ME!” left me in tears again. Through the dead silence, I heard other audience members sobbing, too. Howard dragged himself to his throne, covered himself with his cape, and disappeared. I cried like a baby.
Once I composed myself, we made our way to the left side of the stage where there was a door. “We’re here to see Howard.” Mom told the stage manager. We waited for what seemed like a eternity to be lead upstairs. Howard was sitting in his makeup chair with a clear smock tied around his neck. He spoke with a gentle voice. He was in his underwear and half of his makeup had been taken off. “Can I see it?” I asked. Howard pointed to the trash can, where I took out the sweaty, spongy blob that had been his deformity. Mom took a picture of us grinning. While he cleaned up, his dresser showed us his dressing room with all his costumes. I got to hold his mask. We were shown the wig room where Christine’s hair was being curled. Then we were then led downstairs and given a tour of the stage. The huge staircase used for “Masquerade” was folded at the back of the stage. I saw the gondola and touched the throne. “This is where Michael Crawford stood!” I said. We stepped all over the stage ecstatically and looked out towards auditorium. “I can’t believe I’m standing here.” I said. The man who played Raoul was giving a tour to a large group of old people. Howard strode across the stage with two signed autographs. “Can I have that?” several people asked. “No, it’s for them.” he said indicating sis and me. We were in seventh heaven. We both hugged him. “You’re so tall!” I said. After saying goodbye, we left the theatre in a state of giddy ecstasy. What a magical night.
Tuesday December 30th 2014
Phantom was my sexual awakening. My sister and I became obsessed over Phantom of the Opera when we were 10. We discovered the Highlights version on Halloween night. Listening to “Music of the Night” for the first time changed my life. It was a song about a man who loved music as much as I do. I’d never related to a character like that before. He was attractive to me because he was all the things I wanted in a man, but didn’t think I could ever have. Sensitive, misunderstood, musical, passionate, mysterious, a genius, a music lover, a composer and a singer. His love for Christine captivated me. Their relationship seemed very special. He was her teacher, her lover, her friend. I guess I wanted that, too, but I didn’t know it yet.
When we got The Phantom of the Opera Original Cast Recording I began acting in the alcove of my bedroom. It was the perfect place for it. It had a skylight and it rained a lot where I grew up. Very gloomy. Perfect atmosphere for acting. At first, I wore my grandfather’s old tuxedo, a black cape, straight black pants, a white shirt and a mask. I would pretend I was singing “The Music of the Night” or any other piece Michael Crawford sings on the recording. The experience of acting was addictive. It turned me on. I felt powerful and intense and mysterious, attributes I myself didn’t possess. Sis did it too. We both started doing it around the same time without telling each other. Weird. We would trade off our bedroom alcove one hour at a time. I remember knocking on the door. “It’s my turn sis!” I’d say passionately. “One more minute!” she’d say. Those were the days! Eventually, I began acting to other albums, like various Michael Crawford music, and even music that had nothing to do with Phantom (but reminded me of it.) I would act to symphonic music, Cirque Du Soleil, ect.
As time went on, my pretend plays became more and more intimate in nature and I stopped using music altogether. I devoured all things Phantom. I read all the books, saw all the films, saw the musical 5 times, and read as much phan fiction as I could get my hands on. Phantom by Susan Kay gave me the most ideas for scenes. Alone in my room, I’d pretend I was locked in a cage and beaten, trying to commit suicide, doing magic in Persia, crying for the loss/love of Christine, confessing my love to her, making love to her, teaching her, doing drugs, dying, composing music, being tortured… but it was all pretend. I know, dramatic, right? There was never anyone else in the room. It was just me, acting out the scene and talking to myself. I would act all day long. I would make my voice deeper by adding a whispery quality and making my tongue expand in my mouth. Just hearing my voice turned me on. I soon brought acting to my bed. I wore nothing and act out more erotic scenes. I rarely touched myself. The very act of acting was satisfying. I did this up until I moved out of the house when I was 19. I guess this is what you call roll playing, but I would never do it with someone else. Acting is a very personal, very private experience for me.
This was all before I met Thoth. I still loved Phantom and was a complete outsider. I felt very lonely, separate and misunderstood, then suddenly there was someone in my life who was just like me. Our relationship was built on our musical partnership, not unlike Erik and Christine’s. He was the teacher and I was the pupil. It was never about sex, despite how much we love each other, and it is wonderful. I felt safe to explore my sensuality without feeling pressured. Thoth doesn’t care about sex either. He’s happy having a creative partner (something I think he’d been desiring for a long time.) He’d had sex in the past of course, but he was like me, more interested in being creative. We fit like hand in glove. It’s a miracle he never got married or had children. It’s like he was waiting for me his entire life, and I for him. Not having sex keeps our energy very potent and focused on our creativity. Prayformance is our sex. I believe our energy would be destroyed if we had sex. It’s not that we don’t have fun every once in a while, but it’s secondary to our work. We are the ultimate tantric couple. Twin flames. Soul mates. We don’t need to be physical to love each other. Of course I love his body, and I love to kiss and hug him, but It’s secondary to our music. I think some couples are together for the wrong reasons. They’re together because they have sex. Once that stops, why are they really together? I believe that’s why many affairs and divorce happens. Thoth and I are together for a very clear and meaningful reason. We make music together.
I still act to this day. Not as much, because we’re constantly traveling, but when I have time and space I do. Over the years, Thoth has learned about my desire to act and lets me be when he can. I believe acting saved me for Thoth. I never explored sex or fooled around with boys. I didn’t need to. It kept me pure so I could choose to remain an eternal virgin. I’m very lucky to have met a man who is just like me. We both want to be creative and support each other to do so. No distractions, and constant, unfaltering love and support. That’s why I love him so much. He gets me because he’s just like me. Creativity is the most important thing.