Sunday February 26th 2017
I slept better tonight. Still not as perfect as I’d like, but better than last night. I was glad. my hubbykins, the little THOTH-ie poo, got in bed with me and the Babes sang me their traditional happy birthday chorus. It’s one of the cutest things in the whole world. No one has ever seen it before. All the babes have different voices, and we have three new Babes from our travels this year. Lambie (a black sheep to replace the one I lost 8 years ago from mommie), Dancie (a small pink mouse we found on the street in Lisbon) and Bitie (an odd little pink bunny we got from a fan in Lisbon). We have nine Babes now. Unkie, the monkey, Bunny, the bunny (I bought her for 75 cents at a store in Amsterdam in 2010), Ellie, the Elephant, Bibi, the teddy bear, Cheekie (a little pink bunny my sister gave me) and Fluffy (a tiny sheep I stole from Nana’s piano in Oakland). I got the song on film, as you can see. He does it every year. The Babes don’t talk other than once a year for my birthday.
I was in contact with the people who were coming to the party tonight on Facebook. Surprisingly, Forrest sent a video of himself driving through the desert. I assumed he was going out to the desert, but he wrote saying he was driving like hell to get to us. He said he’d make the party. I thought he wasn’t going to come, so I was very happy. We haven’t seen him enough. I went into the bathroom a bit late to start on my makeup. I wanted to do something bright and cheerful for my birthday prayformance in Balboa Park. Here’s what I came up with… I really liked it…
I tried to paint the sky on my face with a bunch of alien language on it. Tori said it looked like clouds. I always wonder if someone will ask me what my makeup looks mean. I don’t think anyone has yet. I think the language on my face says “I love you. Happy birthday to me.”I did pink on my forehead and eyelids, then blue under my eyes and purple mixed into my cheekbones. I used white to draw strange decorations over top, added jewels on my forehead and glitter all around. I got started a bit late so I had to rush to finish it. Sometimes that inspiration just hits me and I have to follow it. I’m glad I do. I f**king love my handmade crown.
I love being creative with my makeup. I’ve only done one (very complex) drawing this week. Makeup is another form of art. I can just carry it around on my face. My sister later said I’m a a work of art. I think so too. I love that I now can use any colors I want, dark or light or a mixture of both for makeup. So whatever I’m feeling I can express in my makeup. Simple or complex. This look is so different from yesterday’s look. It’s inspirational to have so many colors and so many things I can do. Never ending possibilities. It was pretty dark and gloomy for the prayformance. I got a little sad, missing my sister. It doesn’t feel like a complete birthday when my twin sister isn’t there. Hopefully next year when we turn 30. God, that’s weird to say. No one was there when we started, but after a little Bill and Tori arrived. I was so grateful to see them and thanked them for being there. Our fans always say, “Thank you for being here.” Both were coming to our birthday dinner tonight. 🙂 The prayformance got better as we kept playing. What really cheered me up was playing an amazing solo and holding a new ostinato. I was very proud of myself. Beyond proud of myself actually. It took eight years of work to be able to improvise and hold ostinatos by myself. It will only get better.
To our surprise, Forrest arrived after Thoth’s solo. I was so happy to see him. Tori, Bill, Forrest and Chet watched us. The sun shone on us for a bit. It was beautiful. We played a beautiful improv together. I love my husband and our friends. They love us. I love San Diego. We have 2 months left here. Leaving May 1st for SF, then we fly to Lisbon on May 16th. (I bought our Europe flights last week btw.)
Forrest took us, our bikes and Bill back home to drop our stuff off. Bill got to see the apartment and he was amazed. He watched the vlogs and reads the blog as a religious rite, so it must have been interesting to see our work space with his own eyes. Forrest arrived and I brought him upstairs. Two of our biggest fans and friends in the same room!! Amazing. We walked to the Turkish place and met Tori, her boyfriend Michael, their friend Mariah, her boyfriend and Pascual. We ate our faces out and the food was delicious. It’s always wonderful to have dinner with our friends here. We walked back to the apartment. Forrest took Bill home and we showed everyone else the apartment before they left. What a lovely bith-day.
Thank you dear friends for all your generous love and support. We love you guys very much. I am so grateful for the people in our life who love us and support what we do by coming to see us.
11 January 2017 We had such a wonderful first day home! I feel safe, loved, blessed and blissful. Our friends are helping us so much. We have friends here. Amazing friends. We’re living in an amazing place. Perfect location. It was misty and rainy all day. It’s so green here. I forgot.
Something I learned today is how seen we are by people. Alone, we are not. We are not an island. We affect a lot of people, more people then we can know. We make a positive impact on the world every single day, just by existing and being together, just by being ourselves. Two people recognized us at Sprouts. That happens all the time. I don’t know how we seem to other people. I only know how I feel. We were just walking around the store and a woman stopped and said, “You are beautiful. There is hope for the world.” We weren’t doing anything. Just shopping in our everyday outfits. See? I just don’t know how others percieve us. I can imagine how they might, but sometimes I feel invisible. Like what I do makes no impression, but it does. How I dress, how I act, what I say, what I do, makes an impact on everyone around me, especially through our prayformances, but even just by being ourselves. It’s not the makeup, the costumes, the show, that makes those closest to us love us. It’s us. I am the only me, and I can and do make an impact on the universe simply by existing.
I can not wait to prayform this weekend. I’m really excited to go out on our bikes when the rain clears. Who knows if we’ll go out to play tomorrow. I’m so tired. The bed here is so comfortable. What an amazing place to be living, and what an incredible location! We have everything we need to have a brilliant time here, and a beautiful place to prayform. It really couldn’t be better then this.
11 January 2017
We’re in Downtown San Diego now. I’m in shock at how nice it is here. We’re staying at our friend Dave’s creative loft right, which is right in front of the trolley. We’ve know Dave since we first played in Balboa Park in February 2010. He was the first to “discover” us in Balboa Park and started our connection with Art Lab and Jim (both which ended up not panning out well in the end.)
We went and did all our errands already (it’s 4pm), and Thoth is out returning the rental car. We got Thai food take out at our favorite place, Sab E Lee, before our friend Tasha came to drop off our bikes and things. She and our friend Forrest saved us last April when we left Jim’s house and he told us we had to remove all our stuff. They took everything and put it in storage for us. I don’t know what we would have done if we didn’t have friends. That’s why I love San Diego. We have so many close friends here. Now I feel safe and loved and supported. I’m so glad we have a completely new place to live. We’ve been coming to San Diego every winter for 7 years and I don’t know the downtown area, so it’s like something old feels new. We lived with Jim every year. Low and behold, we saw Todd at Sprouts while shopping. He was the owner of the property Jim lived in and was always wonderful to us. We’ll miss him. He’s married now. We’ll have dinner with them soon.
I feel so blessed. Dave is helpful and supportive and giving and flexible. He always was, but for 7 years, he was in the background of our lives here in San Diego. For all those years, we never had anywhere else to stay but at Jim’s house. It feels like a resurgence for us, a reawakening. We thought we would never have anywhere else to live here. Dave is so generous to open his loft to us. He’s helping us more then he knows. We don’t have to bike 4 and 1/2 miles every day there and back to get to the park anymore. The park is a half hour’s walk from here. A 2 mile bike ride. Last year I was completely over the long, tiring bike ride. At Jim’s house we were trap. I am grateful for what we had, but this is so much better. Everything feels so much easier. It is easier! Dave even said we could use his car when he isn’t using it!
I can’t wait to play in Balboa Park this weekend. I can’t wait to go out to eat out around here. To have friends over, to do a house concert, to work and create and be comfortable. I had such a good sleep last night. Finally. After two days of very little. We have to be in a place we can play in order to be happy. Whenever we are here, I am always seduced into imagining us staying here, especially this year. At Jim’s house we felt trapped, here we are free.
9 January 2017 I have always embraced being a woman. I love having a woman’s body; being hairless, having a high singing voice, etc. I have no issues with being a girl. Optimally, I’d love for my breasts to be smaller, but I’ll let that pass. That all being said, I’d love to have a cock. It’s always fascinated me. I have penis envy. It is so much more exposed and vulnerable then a pussy is. When you get turned on as a girl, no one knows. If you’re a boy, well… I want to know what that feels like. I think what I am is a gay cross dressing boy in a girl’s body. I like to think of myself as some dark, mysterious boy instead of a bright, pretty girl. That’s what I feel like inside.
Friday December 16th 2016
I didn’t sleep much last night. Maybe six hours. I was up for two hours or more before finally falling asleep. Mom had a hard time last night, which was worrying me. I got up at 8:30 (an hour before I’ve usually been getting up) in a very bad mood. I spilled something, which made me pissed. I was snappy towards Thoth. I hate when I do that. I was tired. I apologized once I settled down in a chair to write my Morning Pages.
After writing three pages of what happened last night, I felt more cleared and calmed. Thoth and I talked and I called some people. When I had finished talking to people, the phone rang. It was Andrew Kimbrough, my old acting teacher who taught at University of Kentucky. I studied voice for one year there in 2007/2008. He championed me to go to NYC and learn how to compose original music. He cast me as Ariel in “The Tempest” and encouraged me to write my first songs for the show. He introduced me to Meredith Monk’s opera”Atlas”. It was so lovely to talk to him. I told him what was going on with me and he told me what was going on with him. Eventually we just talked about life and our memories of each other at school. His adopted son, whom he let me hold when he was a baby, is 8 now. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen him. He asked if I’d like to call again for a longer conversation. We decided on Sunday. Yay! Something to look forward to!
I went up to my room and saw my friend James from England had written back to me. He said we could talk on Skype tomorrow! Something else to look forward to! Yay! I was feeling much better. I spent the morning editing my vlogs and listening to music. Around noon, Thoth knocked on the door for breakfast time. I love breakfast time with the hubby. He loves breakfast time with the wifey, too! I cleaned up and went back to my bedroom. I got a call from my friend Will, who asked if he could come pick me up to hang at his house. Sure! Thoth didn’t want to come, so it was just me and Will. I’m really glad I went.
We stopped at a violin shop to pick up two violins of his and went to his house. I wrote in my journal and he made me some tea and rice and beans. It was so sweet. He showed me a video of a new singer he discovered called Phillipe Sly singing “The Trumpet Shall Sound”. It’s gorgeous. Look it up! I’m listening to it again now. When I finished my journal entry, we went down to the basement where his speakers were to listen to music. I didn’t have the song I had wanted to show him, so I played my favorite pieces from Die Zauberflote. Eventually I was laying on my back between the speakers conducting and rewinding the song on my favorite parts. That’s how I listen to music. All the music I love, I know it like the back of my hand. All the subtleties. I then played the Paginini Caprices, the first seven. I know it by heart. Will sat a bit away from me watching as I conducted and moved my body to the music lying on the floor. It was wonderful. I love music.
I played one more song, “Music of the Night,” before he drove me home. We talked about our opera commission, “Esh and Ee-ay”. So sweet. At home, mom was up ordering thin crust spinach pizza for us. I spent a little time editing a vlog in my room before food arrived. We had chicken Caesar salad with our pizza. It was really good. I went back to my room to edit more vlogs, write my blog and listen to music, which I’m doing right now.
Thursday December 15th 2016
I spent the morning in my bedroom writing, editing vlogs and reading my books before having breakfast with Thoth. He put some leftover cooked apples in my oatmeal. So good! I wanted us to take a walk in the woods together, but it was too cold for Thoth. Instead, I went alone. It was really, really nice. I made an acting video as if I was lost in the woods. Check it.
Thoth was worried about me when I came home. I spent the rest of the day researching what it sounds like to hear voices, as yesterday’s personal acting vlog was all about a character who hears voice. I’m really having fun filming myself acting. I never considered I could act before. I found a few ‘hearing voices simulation” videos on Youtube. Pretty cool. I’m sure glad I don’t hear voices!
In the evening, we borrowed mother’s car and went to my dad’s house for dinner. There was a Christmas tree and a fire in the fireplace. Lovely. After dinner, I went downstairs with Dad and looked at some of our baby pictures. So sweet. Dad showed me a video of a soprano singing an avant garde classical piece in a school girl outfit. Very cool. We went home and mom wasn’t doing so well. I talked with her until midnight and we listened to me singing from when I was 17.
I couldn’t sleep I was so worried about mom. She called at 2am and needed help. Poor mother! I finally got to sleep around 3am.
Wednesday December 14th 2016
I started a 30 day create challenge for my vlog channel. I also started reading, “The Musician’s Soul” in addition to “The Artist’s Way”. I’m doing my three morning pages every morning now. It feels very good to write long hand. I’m being more creative and reading more instead of acting. I got my period today too. When it got dark, I did my dark makeup and filmed an acting video for my second day create challenge.
I cleaned off the makeup and Will came over for dinner. Thoth made an amazing risotto dinner for us. The kitchen felt wonderful. I had Will read me a poem of e.e. cummings and we all four of us sat down to dinner. Mother, me, Thoth and Will. Afterwards we ate cooked apples and yogurt and I had Will and Thoth write in my journal. He couldn’t believe how beautifully I write. He went home and I cleaned up and went back to my room. Lovely day.
Tuesday December 6th 2016
I got up at 8am. Acted for an hour in my room and then listened to music and wrote in my journal. At noon, I heard Thoth making our smoothie and oatmeal. For some reason the blender stopped working. Damn. It was broken. One week and the thing breaks. Shit.
We got ready and I called an Uber for us to go to Dad’s studio to record for the second day. We got their at 1pm, right on time. “How’s that angelic voice doing?” Dad said when saw me. We did a drone improv, another improv that Thoth started. After that, we did our first electronic loop. I went in by myself and sang three solos. Two in my belt voice and one in my high voice. When I finished the one in my high voice, dad said into my headphones, “You’re crazy.” I am. I could never do what I did then 8 years ago. We did another electronic loop together and then I went in again by myself to do a four part improvised vocal piece. It was so much fun. I’ve always wanted to do something like that. It sounded very medieval. It was in F# Minor. So eerie and beautiful. I can’t wait for people to hear it. We finished with a funky electronic loop. We said some words…
It had been 4 hours since we got there. My voice was still feeling fine. Yesterday I tired myself out too soon. We called an Uber, hugged dad goodbye and went home. We’ll be back tomorrow. Mom was there with her puppy Sammy. He was all fluffy and clean. He’s such a sweet puppy. So loving. We sat down to have dinner. Michael C. called. We talked him while Thoth cleaned the dishes, then I went back up to my room for the rest of evening.