Tuesday July 5th 2016
I feel so successful. It’s a beautiful life we lead, and we do it all on our own. Anything is possible if you stick to it. We have the ability to perform whenever we want and eat and house ourselves and travel to different cities. It’s beautiful. We’re not reliant on anyone but ourselves. No one controls us or how we live. No one can boss us around or tell us what to do. We have to work for what we have, and that feels good. It’s satisfying to work hard, and it’s beautiful not to know what will happen. I don’t want to know what will happen. I don’t need fame to be happy. That just puts you farther away from people who love you. Fame is an illusion, a block, a bolder between you and your true self. It gives off falseness, a long off distortion. It is not true. The raw, open and vulnerable way we perform is the only way to show us as we truly are to those who watch us. There is no distortion, no falseness. There is only truth and raw, honest openness. I don’t need anything from anyone, yet things come to me through doing this work. It’s an incredible thing. Not only do I love doing it, I can live doing it.
I could do this for the rest of my life and be totally happy. I had to get rid of what I wanted people to think about me to realize that. If I was constantly trying to get people to approve of me, I could never be happy. Not ever. You can’t find happiness in other people’s eyes. You have to accept who you are and do what you want to do with intense fearlessness. Instead of looking for what I want, I appreciate what I have. I want nothing else when I appreciate what I have. I have my dreams. I have my desires. They will always burn brightly for me, but I can be a street performer and be happy. I don’t need all that other stuff to be happy. It would be a bonus. Performing indoors would be amazing, but I don’t need that. All I need is my voice, my violin, my creativity and my husband. I love when are friends are near us, but I am strong and we are strong and we can do all we need together.
Life is only what you envision and believe in and strive every day in every way for. Life doesn’t happen to you, you make life happen. You do what you love and good things will happen. That doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen, but you will be given tools to handle things as they come. Don’t worry about what you cannot control. Don’t worry about the future. Do what you want and be who you want. People will not understand. People will judge you. You will feel alone. You will feel like giving up, but don’t. Everything comes in it’s own time. Anything worth doing takes a long time to fully bloom. Be patient with yourselves and with your skills. Try every day to challenge yourself or try something new, even just a little. Remember you are human and you can fail, but always get up and keep going.
Don’t let anyone say you can’t do something. Don’t listen to them. Anyone who says you can’t do something is just a tired old, sorry-ass human being who doesn’t want to see others achieve their dreams when they were too afraid to reach for them themselves. Success isn’t what you think. Success is different for everyone, but part of it is a feeling of contentment and pride with what you’ve done, despite what everyone has said. Things happen only when you throw caution to the wind and fall headfirst into your dreams and never, ever look back. If you want something, then start now.
Wednesday March 23rd 2016
I realize something. When I first started writing the synopsis for the “2nd Act” of Esh and Ee-ay, (if that’s what it ends up being) I did it because I was trying to impress people. I thought by showing certain people we could write another opera without their motivation and support, they would support us again. I held onto that hope for 6 months. I thought our show in Martha’s Vineyard, with all the amazing people who helped and attended, would be the beginning for us. The beginning of our success, our careers, the beginning of us being able to perform indoors. Everyone who was there or knows about it and talked to us clearly thought the same. That’s not what happened, not yet anyway. It made me sad for 6 months. It made me doubt everything and question why we did it. If I had known we’d do this amazing commission and work with all these amazing people, and nothing would have come of it, would we have done it? For a year and a half I hung all my dreams on that commission.
I need to do things because I want to do them. I can’t trust or rely on anything or anyone but myself. The sooner I learn that, the better. I can rely on Thoth, my sister and my parents. That’s it. Life has taught me that. When the going gets tough, you’re on your own. We so desperately want people to care about us, but very few do. We’re incredibly lucky to have a small group of people who love us and have helped us. People who keep in touch with us and let us stay with them when we’re in town. Friends who come to see us in the park. We’re lucky, but no one is going to make our work easier for us. It will always be hard. It is a bitter pill to swallow as an artist, but it’s true. If we want something, we have to do it ourselves. We can’t wait for someone else to do it. That’s why we prayform. Prayforming gives us everything we need. That’s why I blog and I vlog. I do it myself. It’s hard. A lot of the time feel like I’m fighting a loosing battle, but I’ll never give up. Creating anything is difficult for a reason. Nothing has been set out before me to be easy, even Thoth. I had to fight for the right to be with him, but now that I am, I am that much more grateful for him. I’m that much more grateful for my life because of how hard it’s been to get where I am.
Sometimes I feel like I’m trudging up a sheer ice cliff. When I get discouraged or something difficult happens, it seems like I fall down and smack my face on a ledge, but eventually I get up, clean my wounds and bandage them, and keep going. I haven’t given up yet. I can’t. Life has little to do with how gifted you are, and more to do with how hard you’ll work to achieve something with the gifts you have. Life is about self-motivation. People will lend you a hand occasionally, but they’re dealing with their own problems. I’m not the center of everyone’s universe. If you’re not willing to work hard, you’re gifts and talents will never see the light of day, no matter how many people love and support you. I used to think everything would be easy for me. Nothing is easy. Road blocks are constantly put in our way of achieving our goals. That’s life, but if you’re able to just keep at it, you can do anything.
And now for something completely different… in case you haven’t seen it. 🙂
And an improv we did on Sunday… in case you haven’t seen it. 🙂