Friday December 16th 2016
I didn’t sleep much last night. Maybe six hours. I was up for two hours or more before finally falling asleep. Mom had a hard time last night, which was worrying me. I got up at 8:30 (an hour before I’ve usually been getting up) in a very bad mood. I spilled something, which made me pissed. I was snappy towards Thoth. I hate when I do that. I was tired. I apologized once I settled down in a chair to write my Morning Pages.
After writing three pages of what happened last night, I felt more cleared and calmed. Thoth and I talked and I called some people. When I had finished talking to people, the phone rang. It was Andrew Kimbrough, my old acting teacher who taught at University of Kentucky. I studied voice for one year there in 2007/2008. He championed me to go to NYC and learn how to compose original music. He cast me as Ariel in “The Tempest” and encouraged me to write my first songs for the show. He introduced me to Meredith Monk’s opera”Atlas”. It was so lovely to talk to him. I told him what was going on with me and he told me what was going on with him. Eventually we just talked about life and our memories of each other at school. His adopted son, whom he let me hold when he was a baby, is 8 now. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen him. He asked if I’d like to call again for a longer conversation. We decided on Sunday. Yay! Something to look forward to!
I went up to my room and saw my friend James from England had written back to me. He said we could talk on Skype tomorrow! Something else to look forward to! Yay! I was feeling much better. I spent the morning editing my vlogs and listening to music. Around noon, Thoth knocked on the door for breakfast time. I love breakfast time with the hubby. He loves breakfast time with the wifey, too! I cleaned up and went back to my bedroom. I got a call from my friend Will, who asked if he could come pick me up to hang at his house. Sure! Thoth didn’t want to come, so it was just me and Will. I’m really glad I went.
We stopped at a violin shop to pick up two violins of his and went to his house. I wrote in my journal and he made me some tea and rice and beans. It was so sweet. He showed me a video of a new singer he discovered called Phillipe Sly singing “The Trumpet Shall Sound”. It’s gorgeous. Look it up! I’m listening to it again now. When I finished my journal entry, we went down to the basement where his speakers were to listen to music. I didn’t have the song I had wanted to show him, so I played my favorite pieces from Die Zauberflote. Eventually I was laying on my back between the speakers conducting and rewinding the song on my favorite parts. That’s how I listen to music. All the music I love, I know it like the back of my hand. All the subtleties. I then played the Paginini Caprices, the first seven. I know it by heart. Will sat a bit away from me watching as I conducted and moved my body to the music lying on the floor. It was wonderful. I love music.
I played one more song, “Music of the Night,” before he drove me home. We talked about our opera commission, “Esh and Ee-ay”. So sweet. At home, mom was up ordering thin crust spinach pizza for us. I spent a little time editing a vlog in my room before food arrived. We had chicken Caesar salad with our pizza. It was really good. I went back to my room to edit more vlogs, write my blog and listen to music, which I’m doing right now.
Thursday December 15th 2016
I spent the morning in my bedroom writing, editing vlogs and reading my books before having breakfast with Thoth. He put some leftover cooked apples in my oatmeal. So good! I wanted us to take a walk in the woods together, but it was too cold for Thoth. Instead, I went alone. It was really, really nice. I made an acting video as if I was lost in the woods. Check it.
Thoth was worried about me when I came home. I spent the rest of the day researching what it sounds like to hear voices, as yesterday’s personal acting vlog was all about a character who hears voice. I’m really having fun filming myself acting. I never considered I could act before. I found a few ‘hearing voices simulation” videos on Youtube. Pretty cool. I’m sure glad I don’t hear voices!
In the evening, we borrowed mother’s car and went to my dad’s house for dinner. There was a Christmas tree and a fire in the fireplace. Lovely. After dinner, I went downstairs with Dad and looked at some of our baby pictures. So sweet. Dad showed me a video of a soprano singing an avant garde classical piece in a school girl outfit. Very cool. We went home and mom wasn’t doing so well. I talked with her until midnight and we listened to me singing from when I was 17.
I couldn’t sleep I was so worried about mom. She called at 2am and needed help. Poor mother! I finally got to sleep around 3am.
Wednesday December 14th 2016
I started a 30 day create challenge for my vlog channel. I also started reading, “The Musician’s Soul” in addition to “The Artist’s Way”. I’m doing my three morning pages every morning now. It feels very good to write long hand. I’m being more creative and reading more instead of acting. I got my period today too. When it got dark, I did my dark makeup and filmed an acting video for my second day create challenge.
I cleaned off the makeup and Will came over for dinner. Thoth made an amazing risotto dinner for us. The kitchen felt wonderful. I had Will read me a poem of e.e. cummings and we all four of us sat down to dinner. Mother, me, Thoth and Will. Afterwards we ate cooked apples and yogurt and I had Will and Thoth write in my journal. He couldn’t believe how beautifully I write. He went home and I cleaned up and went back to my room. Lovely day.
Last night my husband was sick. Thankfully he didn’t throw up, but it was really hard to watch him be nauseated. He’s fine now. When he feels bad, I feel bad. It’s like what’s happening to him is happening to me. I can’t bare it. The only other person I feel that way about is my twin sister, but of course I have compassion for all people, even those who hurt me. That’s one thing prayformance has taught me. Not to judge others and to have compassion for all people.
I love Thoth so. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He takes such good care of me. We always have fun together, and we are always together. We don’t fight. We don’t get angry at each other. We make each other’s lives complete. He has so many lovely idiosyncrasies that I know better than anyone. He knows me better than anyone, too. They’ve got to make a movie about our life one day. I’m watching What Dreams May Come right now. It’s so interesting to watch in now and see my life and our love story reflected in it.I don’t know how I’ll be able to exist without my husband and the life we lead of travel and prayformance. I want to prayform with him until I die. I want to prayform with him even after death. I believe that place you go in death is beautiful, but I also know we will miss each other, as the characters in the movie do. I’m documenting every day as much as I can, because I want to capture every second I can because I know it won’t exist forever. I want to always be with him, always
“Thought is real. Physical is the illusion.” is something said in this film. I really, really, REALLY believe that. We don’t need to worry about gaining physical wealth and status and possessions. We need to work every day to keep our dreams alive. They will come true. Not in this life, but in the next. Everything I ever could dream of is being built for us in the next life. This life is only a shadow of what is truly possible. I don’t need to worry about what I’ve accomplished and what people think of me. I am making something that makes people happy and I have a beautiful husband who loves me. That’s all I need. That’s all we need.
The reason we live like this is because we’ve always been outside the box. We’ve always been black sheep. We’ve always been outcasts. No wonder we live like this. Without following the proper protocol when it comes to work and getting yourself out there. We don’t wait for things to happen, we make things happen. If I live my life like this for the rest of my life, I will be happy. Sometimes I feel like I’m waiting for something BIG to happen, but it’s already happened. I found my soul mate and my purpose. I don’t need to wait for anything. I have it.
Thoth is a beautiful, loving husband. He’s so feminine, which balances my boyishness. We work perfectly together. Like yin and yang. I love him and he loves me and that the way it will always be.
Tuesday November 17th 2015
We had a wonderful 6th year anniversary! I got all dressed up for our special dinner at Gotham Bar and Grill. Thanks for Mike R. for this treat. The restaurant was beautiful. A woman in the restroom, who was clearly drunk said, “You should come to my table and say ‘We need to perform together again soon!’ and then just walk away.” I didn’t. 🙂
We were seated at a cozy little corner table right next to the bar away from all the noise. “Thoth.” said the bartender. “He recognized me from modeling in SF.” Thoth said after talking with him. “That’s a long time ago.” I said.
We ordered our drinks. “I have the prettiest guests in the restaurant!” our waitress said. She was wonderful. She made me a special non alcoholic fruity drink. “You’re so beautiful!” a woman sitting next to me said.
Thoth had a martini. We both ordered three courses; two appetizers and a main dish. Everything was beyond delicious.
Tuna tartar for me.
then squash soup…UH-MAZING.
Then lobster and short ribs. Just the most amazing thing. I didn’t know food could be so good!
Our waitress even gave us an EXTRA dessert. “Because you made my night.” she said.
Thoth and I are just like good food. We may look extremely unusual, but we’re extremely kind, fun and good spirited people. We taste as good as we look. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Thoth was tipsy and we were both so very tired while going home. What a lovely night!
Thank you Mike!!