Thursday October 6th 2016
I was so discouraged today. Didn’t want to go out to play at all. I was depressed. Started thinking about Martha’s Vineyard and how much I miss it. We will probably never go there again and I don’t know why. I loved Martha’s Vineyard. We were so supported there. I wish we had more of that. I was hoping we’d do a show once a year in Martha’s Vineyard, but that’s not happening. Not one person who saw the shows liked us enough to bring us back. It depresses me a lot when I think about it.
The park seemed busy and quiet. Three people were waiting for us to begin. One woman sat on a pillar. She had unicorn hair, like me. She had seen us last week, went to our website, read my blog and listened to all of our music. Her name was Rachael. I love that. Such a rare thing. No one has said anything about my blog for months. It’s hard to keep going when no one seems to care. It takes every fiber of our being to do what we do. It’s so easy for someone to write something, say something, throw us a dollar. The least anyone can do is show a little support.
Rachael sat and watched our entire prayformance. It helped to have one person witnessing us. We got through an hour and 40 minutes and I just couldn’t perform anymore. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday, but it was still slow. Rachael knelt and spoke with us while we packed up. The amplified trio started playing. Whenever we hear them, we get sad. I called the park rangers, but who knows if they would come. We walked to the train, got salads for dinner and went home.
Wednesday October 5th 2016
Today was tough. I wasn’t very inspired to get up and got out to play, but I did. I did very simple makeup and hair, but I felt beautiful. That’s all that matters.Dan Rubin came and Cover Story was performing. They hadn’t been at the tunnel for a week. We missed them! They said hello to us. They had a big crowd and it was quiet, so we thought we’d have a great day. Not so much.
We had big crowds but that was it. Generosity? Clapping? Not so much. The entire two hours, the same. A big crowd would gather, they’d clap tentatively, then no one (or maybe just one or two people) would come forward and they’d all just stand there staring at us. No one said anything to us. It was especially hard after seeing a sold out show where people were laughing and cheering and clapping emphatically the night before. We are alone, especially when things get hard. Our frustrations, our bad days aren’t very important to anyone.
I know. Boo hoo, poor me! I’m a world traveling musician who makes a living singing, only two hours a day. Easy you’d say. The truth is, it’s not! We’re struggling every day to get up and do it by ourselves. It is our choice to do it. That’s why no one else in the world does what we do. It’s too hard! I do wish it wasn’t such a lonely path. At least I have my Bunny. Being yourself requires trudging along through life alone. The fact I found someone to be at my side is incredible. We are alone, together, fighting the constant and daily uphill battle to make our art in this unfair and unjust world.
The fact we’re still doing it, that Thoth has been doing this for half his life is staggering. No matter how many great days we have, the days always get hard again. That’s life. We treated ourselves to salads and doughnuts for dessert.
Monday October 3rd 2016 and Tuesday October 4th 2016
So Monday and Tuesday (our days off) were pretty chill. On Monday we went to see a movie on 23rd St. and got a sandwich, doughnuts (at the best doughnut shop in NYC, Doughnut Plant) and ate our (free) leftovers from Sunday night at home. For how little I eat, I f’ing LOVE food!
On Tuesday we stayed in the house all day until time to go see “Falsettos” on Broadway. Sarah Kernochan, James Lapine’s wife, got us free tickets in the orchestra. (James is the director and book writer of the show.) We got there early and got a juice to tide us over for dinner. Picked up our tickets at the box office and went in.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was James. I got up and hugged him. Such an awesome guy. We haven’t seen him since our opera commission last August in Martha’s Vineyard. He’s one of those people I love and admire a lot yet hardly ever see, like my other friend James, from England.
The first act was hysterical. The second act was more serious. I liked the first act more. James talked to us a little when the show was over. The show is in previews so he has to be there to watch it and give notes at the end. Stressful. We walked to 41st St. to have burgers for dinner. It was past midnight when we got home.
Blogging and vlogging has been hard for me the past few days for me. Sometimes I really don’t know why I’m doing it. I wish more people would read what I write, watch our videos and share them. I don’t have any idea how to get more attention for our work and our videos. I work so hard at it, but what for? I enjoy doing it, but getting comments with what people like (and maybe don’t like) would be helpful. I’m going by my own self motivation, and sometimes that wanes, which sucks. Thankfully I have finally inspired my sister to start vlogging. If she keeps it up, maybe I’ll share her stuff on here, too. It’s pretty damn funny, and she’s only made 5 videos, but that’s my sister. I hope she keeps it up.
It’s hard sometimes to realize how much work we put into our life and how little we get back for it. If I stopped vlogging, hardly anyone would. It would be a blip on the radar of the interweb. We’ve been prayforming for 7 years, and still a VAST majority of the world doesn’t know or care about what we do. Hopefully this new documentary will help get us seen more. I personally think of anyone I know, Thoth and I deserve more appreciation and acceptance for what we do.
Honestly sometimes I get completely sick of being looked down upon and undervalued by some people. It would be so nice for everyone who sees us perform to give us more credit for our work than less. Most do, but others don’t. That’s why I hate stupid questions. “Are you professionals,” and “Do you perform anywhere” (when we’re performing right in front of them,) “Are you students?” or when people walk through our performance space WHILE WE’RE PERFORMING and the turn around and TAKE PICTURES of us! It can get old after a while, you know? Well of course you don’t, you’re not me!
We’re also not getting new subscribers to our Youtube channels in a while, nor have I gotten comments in a while. I mean, why do I need to share every thought I have and every experience? I know some people like it, but those people are few and far between it seems. I don’t know really. The reason I’ve started to “beef up” our Youtube channels is because I want us to have a following. We have fans, but they’re scattered to the four winds, they’re not all connected on one platform, and they don’t pay attention to us consistently. I wonder how many people consistently pay attention to our work. Do you? I’d like to know. How many people are all caught up on our lives? How many people know we have a documentary coming out in San Diego by the end of April? How many people will come see it?
I know we have some major fans. I can name them. Those people I appreciate more than they will ever know. I love the people who love us. I’m not saying I want to be famous, I don’t think I do. That comes with a lot of problematic things, but I don’t think it’d hurt to have five or six digit figures looking at our channels and blog consistently. I don’t know how to make that happen. Sometimes I think it will never happen, and what if it did? Would that really help us? I imagine it would.
More people need to know about our philosophy and hear our music. It would be good for the world. We are a business that isn’t profit driven. We don’t force anyone to do or give us anything. We survive solely on people’s generosity to our cause. We work hard every day to go out and spread our music freely to anyone who will stop and listen.
What I ultimately want for us is to be in demand. To be welcomed to tour in beautiful indoor venues, like opera houses and churches and caves and completely acoustic festivals. I want us to be able to perform our original operas with people who we love; musicians and actors, circus performers and dancers. I want us to be able to share what we do with more people who truly understand and appreciate it. I think most people who stumble upon us don’t really know what’s going on, and therefore don’t really know what a privilege it is to be witnessing us. That might sound righteous, but that’s what I believe.
I am so grateful for what I have, I really am. When I speak of what I want, it isn’t for lack of appreciation for what I have. I have Thoth and I will always have his love and he will have mine. We always have each others backs. Each and every day I thank — for him. I wouldn’t be the person I am without him. He is the perfect person for me. I am grateful to our friends. I won’t name names because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I am so grateful we are traveling to Europe. I am grateful to all the people who have helped us. I am so excited about the documentary! I am so amazed how far we’ve come since 2009. I am so humbled by everything I’ve been able to accomplish thus far, but I know how much more is possible for us.
Saturday July 25th 2015
This morning I discussed with Thoth my idea to go see my friend James in his show in London at the end of August. I really want to go, but it will take a lot of time, effort and money, even if I just went for 2 nights. Thoth suggested I go by myself. I checked ticket prices and discussed with him for most of the day. It’s not too expensive, but British border guards make me crazy. Last time they caused Thoth to loose his passport. Fuck. Why is it he has to live in the UK? We can’t busk there and they’re really strict at the border. I’ll be only one country away from him when we’re in Amsterdam. I’m going to be kicking myself whether I go or not I suppose. I wish I could see every single show he’s in. If I had known about it months ago I would have bought our tickets to London and go home from there. He’s an incredible performer. Dark, intense, manic. All the things I love. Here’s the show if anyone in London wants to see some great acting. http://www.dippermouth.com/work/frankensteinscreature/
Anyway, while we got ready to play, a man in the street came up to me and said, “We loved your performance last night. My wife is an opera singer.” That’s a compliment. An opera singer was impressed with us. I admit I wasn’t in the best mood tonight. I was too focused on people walking away without tipping. I haven’t felt that way in a very long time. I used to let it ruin my day all the time. It can drive me mad if I keep thinking about it. I can’t let it get to me, but I’m ashamed to say I did tonight. I was angry and in a bad mood. The feeling wained as the two hours passed. Someone’s idiotic comment on my last blog entry was pissing me off, too. Some days negative things just get to me and I can’t shake it off. What’s so interesting is no one knows how I’m feeling because I look so fantastical.
I do find it interesting that I feel and think just like anyone else, yet I am not like anyone else. When people see me they experience fantasy and awe and beauty, yet when they read my blog they see what’s going on in my head. All performers are like that. They look and act one way and feel another. I like it better when I’m not thinking about daily things and I’m more in the zone, but tonight it wasn’t like that. I tried. I wish things could always work out. I wish I didn’t have to do quadruple the amount of work in order to survive.
“You’ve had a lot of disappointments these days.” Thoth said. He’s right. I was going to have my makeup filmed and taken shopping around the city by this Youtube artist this coming week, but it didn’t work out. Our booking agent tried his best. It’s good to have people who love our work trying to help us. Now I can’t go see James in his show. 🙁
We went to Barrio Alto for our favorite ravioli for dinner and talked.