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Happy Birthday to Me!

Sunday February 26th 2017

I slept better tonight. Still not as perfect as I’d like, but better than last night. I was glad. my hubbykins, the little THOTH-ie poo, got in bed with me and the Babes sang me their traditional happy birthday chorus. It’s one of the cutest things in the whole world. No one has ever seen it before. All the babes have different voices, and we have three new Babes from our travels this year. Lambie (a black sheep to replace the one I lost 8 years ago from mommie), Dancie (a small pink mouse we found on the street in Lisbon) and Bitie (an odd little pink bunny we got from a fan in Lisbon). We have nine Babes now. Unkie, the monkey, Bunny, the bunny (I bought her for 75 cents at a store in Amsterdam in 2010), Ellie, the Elephant, Bibi, the teddy bear, Cheekie (a little pink bunny my sister gave me) and Fluffy (a tiny sheep I stole from Nana’s piano in Oakland). I got the song on film, as you can see. He does it every year. The Babes don’t talk other than once a year for my birthday.

I was in contact with the people who were coming to the party tonight on Facebook.  Surprisingly, Forrest sent a video of himself driving through the desert. I assumed he was going out to the desert, but he wrote saying he was driving like hell to get to us. He said he’d make the party. I thought he wasn’t going to come, so I was very happy. We haven’t seen him enough. I went into the bathroom a bit late to start on my makeup. I wanted to do something bright and cheerful for my birthday prayformance in Balboa Park. Here’s what I came up with… I really liked it…

I tried to paint the sky on my face with a bunch of alien language on it. Tori said it looked like clouds. I always wonder if someone will ask me what my makeup looks mean. I don’t think anyone has yet. I think the language on my face says “I love you. Happy birthday to me.”I did pink on my forehead and eyelids, then blue under my eyes and purple mixed into my cheekbones. I used white to draw strange decorations over top, added jewels on my forehead and glitter all around. I got started a bit late so I had to rush to finish it. Sometimes that inspiration just hits me and I have to follow it. I’m glad I do. I f**king love my handmade crown.

I love being creative with my makeup. I’ve only done one (very complex) drawing this week. Makeup is another form of art. I can just carry it around on my face. My sister later said I’m a a work of art. I think so too. I love that I now can use any colors I want, dark or light or a mixture of both for makeup. So whatever I’m feeling I can express in my makeup. Simple or complex. This look is so different from yesterday’s look. It’s inspirational to have so many colors and so many things I can do. Never ending possibilities. It was pretty dark and gloomy for the prayformance. I got a little sad, missing my sister. It doesn’t feel like a complete birthday when my twin sister isn’t there. Hopefully next year when we turn 30. God, that’s weird to say. No one was there when we started, but after a little Bill and Tori arrived. I was so grateful to see them and thanked them for being there. Our fans always say, “Thank you for being here.” Both were coming to our birthday dinner tonight. 🙂 The prayformance got better as we kept playing. What really cheered me up was playing an amazing solo and holding a new ostinato. I was very proud of myself. Beyond proud of myself actually. It took eight years of work to be able to improvise and hold ostinatos by myself. It will only get better.

To our surprise, Forrest arrived after Thoth’s solo. I was so happy to see him. Tori, Bill, Forrest and Chet watched us. The sun shone on us for a bit. It was beautiful. We played a beautiful improv together. I love my husband and our friends. They love us. I love San Diego. We have 2 months left here. Leaving May 1st for SF, then we fly to Lisbon on May 16th. (I bought our Europe flights last week btw.)

Forrest took us, our bikes and Bill back home to drop our stuff off. Bill got to see the apartment and he was amazed. He watched the vlogs and reads the blog as a religious rite, so it must have been interesting to see our work space with his own eyes. Forrest arrived and I brought him upstairs. Two of our biggest fans and friends in the same room!! Amazing. We walked to the Turkish place and met Tori, her boyfriend Michael, their friend Mariah, her boyfriend and Pascual. We ate our faces out and the food was delicious. It’s always wonderful to have dinner with our friends here. We walked back to the apartment. Forrest took Bill home and we showed everyone else the apartment before they left. What a lovely bith-day.

Left to right: Tori, Michael, Mariah’s boyfriend, Mariah, me, Thoth, Bill and Forrest. Pascual is behind the camera.

A candid shot of Forrest.

A Very Happy Thoth.

The lovely dress Tori gave me. She painted the stars on it. There’s Bill talking to Thoth.

Thank you dear friends for all your generous love and support. We love you guys very much.  I am so grateful for the people in our life who love us and support what we do by coming to see us.

A Much Darker Look

Friday February 24th 2017

I was very happy to start a new sketch on Wednesday and work on my play. It’s always scary to stare at a blank piece of paper because I never know I will be able to draw something good again, no matter how many good drawings I’ve done before. I was inspired to draw as many creepy faces as I could on the page. When I got up, I read the sweetest message from two new fans from Prague:

“My wife showed me your video earlier today, after she spent half a day listening to you. Now it’s 6 AM here and I’m finishing hours long binge listening to your amazing creations. THANK YOU! You stand out from the noise of music, you create something one would not hope to hear. The land of the orange despot is a bit distant to us these days, but I sure hope you might travel to Europe somewhere we can get and listen to you for hours live. For now we’re gonna figure out how to purchase your records online tomorrow. Well, my biggest hope is that one day we will pay big money to see you in a big baroque concert hall. And I’ll keep searching for a way to contribute a tiny bit to make this happen. Love from your (probably) biggest fans in Prague, Czech Republic.”

Both Thoth and I cried. It touched directly on the dream I have for us. To have someone we don’t even know from halfway around the world write the thing we want to be doing makes it that much closer to happening. It also makes me sad because I know we should be performing in beautiful venues and not have any other options but to perform in public under threat of park rangers. On the other hand, we are truly blessed to have a way to share our music whenever we want to and be creative every day of our lives.

I looked one of those scary faces I drew and wanted to try it as a makeup look. Here’s what happened…

The thing I’m loving is that my disturbing wiring and drawings are seeping into the prayformance. That has never happened before. Darkness is inside me. Always has been. Now I’m not afraid to let it show when I play with Thoth. I’ve only been doing dark looks like these since November. That’s only four months, and now that I have a few dark Gothic dresses I got from my old closet at my mom’s house in Nashville, I’m wearing black too. It’s liberating to be darker and more scary. It’s also fun to see what kind of reaction I’ll get, if any, to the complete change of my look (which is usually none.) People don’t ask me about my makeup or what it means or how I do it. That means I can do whatever I want and people will think whatever they’re going to think. I just follow inspiration wherever it leads me.

I’m very inspired by darkness. Phantom-y stuff. Horror. I love looking at horrific paintings and watching documentaries about serial killers. I love Sweeney Todd and Jekyll and Hyde. Anything about someone who is disturbed and mysterious and possibly bad, yet tender and gentle inside. I liked using crossed painted down my neck and on my head. I wondered if anyone would ask what they mean, but no one did. I’m not religious. I find the cross to be an interesting symbol, as it is a symbol for Yeshua, yet it also is a symbol for torture and violence. Such a simple image with so much meaning behind it.

Doing myself up like this gives me more focus when we play. I feel like a different person and I feel fearless. I’m still Lila’Angelique, but I’m not. I’m enhanced me. Expanded me. Fully embodied me.

Makeup gives me the ability to be whoever I want to be and I have the entire pallet available to me now. Pascual came to show his support of our prayformance at the park and soon after Tori and Sister Ida. For some strange reason I saw my cousin Addie from my mothers side of the family. They had to rush away but watched our first song for a moment. My mother’s family has a history of being judgmental towards me, so I didn’t feel comfortable until she left. I don’t like feeling judged, even if that isn’t what is really happening. I’m the black sheep of my family and none of them are apart of my life anymore, accept my sister father and mother. For a long time my mother wasn’t even part of my life. I’m glad that has changed. She and daddy are very supportive now.

We had to move down the hallway away from our usual spot because the white-statue guitar-man was right in front of us. We were nervous to talk to him as sometimes people aren’t so friendly. We played two songs and then Thoth ran over to talk to the man. I could hear them laughing so I knew everything was cool. Thoth and Pascual brought our things back to our spot and I ran to meet him. He was very sweet and really likes what we do. We were both relieved.

We had a lovely prayformance with our friends supporting us. I felt outrageous and beautiful. It’s so freeing and invigorating to be whatever the f*** I want to be, nothing more and nothing less.

I have my sweet Thoth who has inspired me to be whatever I want. No judgments, just the purest and most devotional love and support. He is the best thing I could have ever asked for. His love and support of my crazy weirdness has helped me to be myself fully and utterly. He loves me for what I am and makes me a better person. I love him more than anything in the whole wide world, as he loves me.

My Valentine!

Tuesday February 14th 2017

Today is a year to the day I started vlogging on the Tribal Baroque channel! One year of daily vlogs! Yay me! It’s so f**king difficult! Let’s see how long I can keep it up! Hopefully forever! God damn.

I was of course nervous to go out and play in the park. Would we be bothered by a park ranger again? I painted a heart on my forhead to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Last year I painted this incredibly complicated design on my face, this year I went for simplicity. I know now it makes no difference. I do complex makeup now only because I really want to. I’ll get on a run with it, just as I do with drawing. Sometimes I’m completely inspired to do crazy, complex makeup, sometimes not. My makeup is always different…

Valentine’s Day 2014… Button face!

2015… Confetti face!

2016… Heart face!

2017… Goth face!

Today was our first Valentine’s Day playing in front of Casa Del Prado instead of in the back like we used to. We played back there for years for fear of park rangers. Last January and February was so horrible I swore we would never play back there ever again, no matter what happens. Playing in the back caused a lot of depressive episodes for me last year. The acoustics weren’t very good and people didn’t gather as easily. It was so frustrating, especially knowing we would have a much better time up front. The acoustics are so much better in the hallway up front, and people gather effortlessly. We can also play up front 5 days a week if we so choose. Back there we could only play 3 days on the weekends. I don’t know how we survived all those years. I will never go back there. We deserve to play up front where everyone can see and hear us.

Tori, her sister and Pascual came to see us today. Tori was all dressed up and had on pretty colorful eye makeup. She was gorgeous! I know now why she loves us so much. She’s a very creative person. She reminds me in a way of myself when I was younger. We had such a magical play. Lots of people came around and watch us and cheered. We sang like angels. We were so joyous and happy. People can tell when we’re happy, especially our fans. Tori said she could feel it.

Sadly, a female park ranger came over after Thoth’s solo and let us know need a permit to collect money. I told her we knew our rights. Thankfully, she left after that. Officer Morales, our friend and fan, was on patrol and looked out for us. He gave us his number again so we could call him if we had any problems. That made me feel wonderful. It’s nice to have a police officer on our side for once. We told the audience what had happened and they cheered for us loudly. I got it on film. We continued playing and had a fantastic time. We were both on cloud 9 when we finished. Tori, her sister and Pascual hung with us while we packed up  and we went home. We went out to have Indian food for our Valentine’s Day dinner sitting on cushions. It was so sweet.

We have to be so strong and brave to do this work. People who ask about our lifestyle think it is magic and and dream. It is, but it is just as hard as anyone elses life. We make it work. We have to take each day as it comes.

WE’RE HOME IN SAN DIEGO!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11 January 2017 We had such a wonderful first day home! I feel safe, loved, blessed and blissful. Our friends are helping us so much. We have friends here. Amazing friends. We’re living in an amazing place. Perfect location. It was misty and rainy all day. It’s so green here. I forgot.

Something I learned today is how seen we are by people. Alone, we are not. We are not an island. We affect a lot of people, more people then we can know. We make a positive impact on the world every single day, just by existing and being together, just by being ourselves. Two people recognized us at Sprouts. That happens all the time. I don’t know how we seem to other people. I only know how I feel. We were just walking around the store and a woman stopped and said, “You are beautiful. There is hope for the world.” We weren’t doing anything. Just shopping in our everyday outfits. See? I just don’t know how others percieve us. I can imagine how they might, but sometimes I feel invisible. Like what I do makes no impression, but it does. How I dress, how I act, what I say, what I do, makes an impact on everyone around me, especially through our prayformances, but even just by being ourselves. It’s not the makeup, the costumes, the show, that makes those closest to us love us. It’s us. I am the only me, and I can and do make an impact on the universe simply by existing.

I can not wait to prayform this weekend. I’m really excited to go out on our bikes when the rain clears. Who knows if we’ll go out to play tomorrow. I’m so tired. The bed here is so comfortable. What an amazing place to be living, and what an incredible location! We have everything we need to have a brilliant time here, and a beautiful place to prayform. It really couldn’t be better then this.

11 January 2017

We’re in Downtown San Diego now. I’m in shock at how nice it is here. We’re staying at our friend Dave’s creative loft right, which is right in front of the trolley. We’ve know Dave since we first played in Balboa Park in February 2010. He was the first to “discover” us in Balboa Park and started our connection with Art Lab and Jim (both which ended up not panning out well in the end.)

We went and did all our errands already (it’s 4pm), and Thoth is out returning the rental car. We got Thai food take out at our favorite place, Sab E Lee, before our friend Tasha came to drop off our bikes and things. She and our friend Forrest saved us last April when we left Jim’s house and he told us we had to remove all our stuff. They took everything and put it in storage for us. I don’t know what we would have done if we didn’t have friends. That’s why I love San Diego. We have so many close friends here. Now I feel safe and loved and supported. I’m so glad we have a completely new place to live. We’ve been coming to San Diego every winter for 7 years and I don’t know the downtown area, so it’s like something old feels new. We lived with Jim every year. Low and behold, we saw Todd at Sprouts while shopping. He was the owner of the property Jim lived in and was always wonderful to us. We’ll miss him. He’s married now. We’ll have dinner with them soon.

I feel so blessed. Dave is helpful and supportive and giving and flexible. He always was, but for 7 years, he was in the background of our lives here in San Diego. For all those years, we never had anywhere else to stay but at Jim’s house. It feels like a resurgence for us, a reawakening. We thought we would never have anywhere else to live here. Dave is so generous to open his loft to us. He’s helping us more then he knows. We don’t have to bike 4 and 1/2 miles every day there and back to get to the park anymore. The park is a half hour’s walk from here. A 2 mile bike ride. Last year I was completely over the long, tiring bike ride. At Jim’s house we were trap. I am grateful for what we had, but this is so much better. Everything feels so much easier. It is easier! Dave even said we could use his car when he isn’t using it!

I can’t wait to play in Balboa Park this weekend. I can’t wait to go out to eat out around here. To have friends over, to do a house concert, to work and create and be comfortable. I had such a good sleep last night. Finally. After two days of very little. We have to be in a place we can play in order to be happy. Whenever we are here, I am always seduced into imagining us staying here, especially this year. At Jim’s house we felt trapped, here we are free.

9 January 2017 I have always embraced being a woman. I love having a woman’s body; being hairless, having a high singing voice, etc. I have no issues with being a girl. Optimally, I’d love for my breasts to be smaller, but I’ll let that pass. That all being said, I’d love to have a cock. It’s always fascinated me. I have penis envy. It is so much more exposed and vulnerable then a pussy is. When you get turned on as a girl, no one knows. If you’re a boy, well… I want to know what that feels like. I think what I am is a gay cross dressing boy in a girl’s body. I like to think of myself as some dark, mysterious boy instead of a bright, pretty girl. That’s what I feel like inside.