Tag Archives: feeling better

Our True Fans…. Are Our Friends.

Wednesday April 20th 2016Screen Shot 2016-04-20 at 10.24.01 PM

The past few days have been weird. Monday was fine. We really relaxed on Monday. The day after prayformance is usually pretty relaxing. One Tuesday we went out to lunch at a cafe, which was nice, but were both feeling like shit. We really couldn’t get over some bad feelings. Today I was immensely cheered up because with the help of Forrest and my dad, we will be able to get to Balboa Park via Uber for our final 8 prayformances in Balboa Park. Our friend even said he may be able to help us next year with car transportation in San Diego. It was messing with my mind all week the thought of having only our bikes to rely on to get around here. It’s so hard. It calmed me and made me feel cared for that people are helping us in the way we really need to be helped. That’s all I needed to cheer me up. Finally! I couldn’t bare the thought of biking to the park and back again eight more times in the hot sun. We’re not able to prayform as long as we like to when we bike. Using Uber will make it so much easier for us, and will make these last two weeks much more enjoyable. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Screen Shot 2016-04-20 at 10.27.54 PMI realize the other day’s blog post may have turned some people off, but I feel hurt and humiliated when we have to ask our fans for help and the response is….. *crickets chirping.* I don’t like asking for help, I don’t think many people do. I’ve spent the past 7 years that way, even when we didn’t have enough money to eat. We’ve gotten a lot of help over the years from friends and family, but  mostly the people who help us just help, or we trust them enough to know they will help if we ask. We don’t ask for help when we prayform in public. We have signs that ask people to do the generous thing, to donate. Those who give to us do so because they want to. There is no begging involved. Some people say I shouldn’t expect people to help us, as they have their own lives and problems to attend to. That is true, but many famous people and organizations rely on, ask for and get help from their fans, so why shouldn’t we?

Maybe I’m having a fantasy about what having lots of fans supporting us means. Fans are not friends. Friends are the ones who really love you, know you, are there you us and stick by you. Fans are people who think they know you and support you up to a point. Our friends are our truest, most super hardcore fans. They stick by us no matter what happens. They don’t get turned off by what I write or vlog about, because they know us. They accept us for who we are and what we feel. Even the biggest, most famous celebrities who have a million fans say they feel lonely. No matter how successful or famous we get, our friends will always be our friends.

Screen Shot 2016-04-20 at 10.29.15 PMWe know who our friends are, that’s for sure, and they know who they are. They are the ones who help us, and in return we love and trust them above all others. Most all of them started out as hardcore fans and then became dear friends. Usually people who are hardcore fans of ours become close friends. We never know who those people will be. I am so grateful to them. The ones who come to see us prayform (even who don’t as much, but still love us and think of us), the ones who read my blog and support me no matter how I’m feeling, the ones who give us a place to stay in their homes, the ones who help us out. They are our true fans and friends and we couldn’t do this without their help.

Lovely Words From Fans Makes Me Feel Better

Monday July 27th 2015

I felt wonderful when I went to bed last night. After writing this long depressing blog, our friend Jadelyn (who we’re staying with in NYC in the Fall) wrote to me. She offered us a free month of rent, hoping that that will help us to be able to go to London. Thoth doesn’t want to go because we can’t perform there, and he really loves Amsterdam. I really want to go to London, but I doubt it will work out. It’s so nice to feel welcomed in New York, though! It’s the first time we’ll be living with friends for the entire 3 months. That lifts a lot of stress off our backs.

I got a bunch of sweet messages from fans that made me all teary eyed. That’s what I needed, to know that people care when I’m having a down day! Thank you to everyone who wrote to me. I need to know people love me and care about what I’m doing. Leaving a positive, supportive comment means more to me than you’ll ever know. I fucking HATE getting depressed and I dislike writing about it too, but it helps to divulge my feelings on my blog. People writing back supportively helps even more. That’s what the blog is for. Sharing and caring.

People always tell me I’m fearless, but I’m not. Somedays I get so submerged with fear and sadness I can’t think clearly. I’m afraid, but I don’t let it stop me from doing what I want to do with my life.

We walked up to the park to have scones and lemonade. The couple in the next table were the ones who complimented us the other night (saying they loved our voice and the wife is an opera singer.) They waved hello in acknowledgment. It was cool and breezy and pleasant. IMG_20150727_155915 IMG_20150727_155945 I’m in love with my magical hair. IMG_20150727_155644427 IMG_20150727_155729448On the way home we stopped at Pensao Atalaia to say hello to Maria. She was sleeping, but Vonda was there. We said hi and told her how things are going. “They’re like family.” Thoth said as we left. We bought a chicken and some spinach and Thoth made us a wonderful home cooked dinner. I’m so lucky to have such a loving husband. Last night I thought I would be sad forever, but I perked up today. Everything will be ok. We do have a community of people who love us. I’m grateful for that.

Much Better Today

Thursday June 4th 2015

Today was much better, though Thoth and I were both upset about an email correspondence we had with a friend. Thoth more than I. I was sad, but he was still angry. He gets his anger out when we prayform, but we were thinking about the email too much last night to get over it. I was more inspired with my makeup today, which helped my moral a lot. I don’t feel good when I don’t feel pretty.
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I was also really wanting to shave the sides of my head, but Thoth reminded me of my goal to have long hair. If I shave any part of my hair, I will eventually have to cut it all off again. I don’t want to do that. I made a compromise by braiding the sides of my hair. I like how it looked.IMG_20150510_214142432IMG_20150510_214254958

We went to our spot and set up. A young Bohemian looking man stopped and asked, “What are you two beautiful people doing?” and stayed to listen to our first few pieces. It was really hard to gather an audience. The man’s dog barking and the music from Gardenia didn’t help. When we finished “Anya,” the music hadn’t stopped, so I went and knocked on the glass of Gardenia asking them to turn it off. They did thankfully. Audiences today still weren’t that great, but we played our older set to give the opera a break. I’m glad we did. When we’re banging our heads against the wall with the opera it’s good to give it a break. I eventually want us to have 5 different sets to choose from on any given day. That’s a lot of music!We DID play “Meeting” from “Esh and Ee-ay” and Thoth came towards me to hug me at the end, and it worked! I put my arms up and he put them out. The only way we can see if things work is by doing it in public.

A British woman in the audience was very impressed by our voices. “You’re a Countertenor.” she said. Most people don’t know that word. “And your voice sounds like a bell. It’s so pure.” That hasn’t been said to me in a while. “I’m surprised you haven’t been discovered yet. You should be playing in opera houses.” she said. It’s interesting when unhelpful words about what I’m doing are going through my head, then someone says that to us. It reminds me that what we’re doing is beautiful.

Despite the audiences not being so great, we played longer than yesterday and did much better. I was happy when we finished, and so was Thoth. He had released himself of his anger. I was glad. We went to the Indian place for dinner. Thoth was in a good mood and so was I.IMG_20150510_213827884 IMG_20150510_213833575 IMG_20150510_214630255

So Much Better Today

Tuesday April 14th 2015

I’m feeling much better today!

When I got up, the first thing I did was see all the supportive messages on my blog and Facebook, which helped cheer me up. Thank you everyone for caring about me. Sometimes I feel so uncared for. I keep up this blog to help inspire me and thus inspire others. It’s when I’m sad and questioning myself that I really see how many people love what we do. Thank you to all.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

We got our final check for the opera commission in the mail AND Book A Street Artist (our new representatives) booked a gig for us in San Diego next Saturday! What a wonderful surprise! How is it I get so sad, then the very next day wonderful things happen?

Sis got on Skype and we helped check over her resume and find a monologue for an audition. I wanted to stay online with her, but I biked to the bank and listened to The Lion King, smiling and waving to everyone. I got some snacks for us and went home. I worked with sis on her monologues on Skype, did the laundry and watched a movie.

Our housemate said we can use his car tomorrow to visit the seamstress, but we want to play tomorrow as well. Maybe we’ll do something with friends. I still don’t know if my voice feels all better. I haven’t sung since Sunday. Thoth thinks I shouldn’t sing until Friday.

Our friend Scott from SF is excited to have us back in the Bay Area for a few weeks. He’s trying to set up an artists salon while we’re there (May 5th-18th) but he can’t find a reasonably priced space that’s large enough. If anyone knows of something, please drop me a line. Our friend Sarah is coming to see us do the opera and Scott knows of a rehearsal space we can use. He’s an awesome guy, who is trying so hard to keep art alive in San Francisco, We’re lucky to have such supportive people in our lives. Our work wouldn’t exists without them. I’ll leave you with what Scott wrote to me.

saw you are sads! big hugs
you guys bring so much magic and light into the world its bonkers!

Love to you all.

Feeling a little Better

Wednesday April 1st 2015

I’m feeling much better. Thoth takes really good care of me. “I love my girl so much,” Thoth said this morning. “I’m a good nurse.” I felt horrible the past 3 nights. My throat was killing me. It came on fast and hard. My throat doesn’t hurt anymore. I feel like such a waste of space when my voice is gone. I’m nothing without my health. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I had a big show to do and I felt like this. I really hope I can sing this weekend. It’s Easter this Sunday. We were going to have dinner with friends tonight and Friday, but both were canceled. It’s better that I focus on healing myself. When I get sick, I forget what it feels like to be healthy and think I’ll never feel better again. I fucking hate being sick. It’s kind of weird that I am. I have no idea how I got sick. I haven’t been this bad in over a year. I did get kind of sick when we recorded “Esh and Ee-ay,” but it didn’t overtake me to the point of being incapable of singing. Thank God, or we wouldn’t have been able to make the album. I think a lot of that sickness had to do with anxiety. I’m so happy I’m feeling better. I don’t know what I’d do without my voice. I am so grateful for my life. Being ill reminded me how good I have it when I’m healthy. You don’t know how lucky you are to be healthy until you are sick. I’m starting to think I’ll be able to sing this weekend, but who knows until that day comes.

Oh I’m loving making videos. And I love our new GoPro camera. I can’t believe how pale I look on film. My skin is a perfect canvas for all the colorful looks I like to try. I love that I have a blog where and I can share my thoughts and feelings. I thank all those who care about us enough to read.