Tag Archives: fears

Protected: Worried about the Future while Trying to Live in the Present

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Protected: Personal Realizations, Fears, Thoughts on Theater and Long Term Creative Commitment

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An Emotional Roller Coaster

Sunday August 10th 2014

I was restless all night. I’d wake up, try to cry, feeling scared, then fell asleep again. In sleep we forget when things are bad. It was raining all day. All day, all I could do was research about getting an emergency passport. The things I found made me feel hopeless. “You have to have a visa in order to enter Rio. Even if we get an emergency passport, you don’t have your visa. We only have one day to figure it all out. I don’t think it’s going to happen.” I started crying. “Why is this happening to us!” I cried. “You’re crying for both of us.” Thoth said. It helped to get the tears out. Dad called me on Skype. He’s very logical and positive. “Don’t let it get you so down. You have to reserve some strength. What you two do is hard enough. No matter how hard things get always remember you have a family that is here for you. I will help you out any way I can. Don’t shut out trying to perform there again.” he said. He even made  me laugh. “You’re dad is a rock. It helped me to hear from him. I can get so dark.” Thoth said. We talked to Karol in Rio by Skype. “Thoth is going to call the consulate first thing tomorrow morning and try to get an appointment for the emergency passport. We’ll let you know what happens. We need some kind of guarantee we’ll be able to enter Rio.” I said. “Akil, one of the musicians, explained your situation at Border Control. They said if you have a copy of your passport number they can check the visa in their records and they’ll let you through.” she said. “Do you have anything in writing? This is just hearsay.” I said. “They’re not open right now, so I can’t contact anyone. I’ll get Marcelo to talk to you in a few hours and see what he can do.” she said. “OK.” I said.

Thoth and I took a walk in the rain to try and get some documents copied. Unfortunately, they place we thought was opened was closed. “Now you have to print off everything and go to the consulate tomorrow. It seems like way too much work including everything else we may have to do.” I said. We got a chicken at the grocery store and some carrot cake at a cute little candy store. That helped cheer me up. “Why did we get this?” I said. “We need to give ourselves some gifts. Not all the time, but sometimes. We’re really sad right now.” Thoth said. We went into the park, sat on a bench in the rain with our umbrellas over our heads and ate cake. “Imagine how we’ll think of this time in the future. ‘Remember when we were sitting on a bench in Edinburgh eating cake and things were so fucked up?'”We walked home. I got in bed and cuddled with Thoth and we took a nap. ‘I love snuggly time with you.” I said.

Thoth started cooking dinner and I was able to talk with Karol and Marcelo in Rio by Skype. I explained to him our fears. “I understand. Maybe it’s not worth the risk. I will call my lawyer in the morning. If you can get the emergency passport and my lawyer can confirm you’ll be allowed into Rio, we’ll buy you your tickets. Don’t get too sad. These things happen. They’ll be plenty of opportunities to work together again in the future. If it all works out, we’ll have an even bigger celebration when you get here.” he said. That made us both feel better. “He’s understanding. We can only do what we can do. We have to try, but if it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work.” I said. We ate dinner and Rachael came home. She asked us how things were going. We told her. She offered to give me back my deposit early if that would help. “I trust you guys.” she said. “That would be helpful.” I said. Rachael’s been very compassionate. She’s such a nice housemate to have around. She really cares about what we’re going through. I cleaned up and I wrote my blog.

I hope we can get things figured out tomorrow, it seems impossible, but we’ll try our best. If nothing else, we have a safe place to live until we go back to NYC and we will be able to get Thoth some document to return to the USA. It’s not optimal, but we will survive.

Emotional Day for Me

Thursday April 17th 2014

There are some days I feel so helpless because I can’t accomplish the things I want to. Everything that makes me scared or upset or sad are things I have no control over. Will we find housing in Edinburg? Will we be invited to the festival in Brazil? Will we go to Montreal in the Fall? Will we go to Australia this winter? Will we make enough money to live? Will we survive? Will we be ready for the wedding? What will I do when Thoth dies? Will I be able to prayform by myself? Will I be alone? The only things that makes me calm and happy are drawing and singing. I can only do the things I can do. Everything else is out of my control. It drives me crazy though! That’s why I don’t do anything else but listen to music, sing in the park and draw.

I really wanted to get some things done for the wedding today and I didn’t. I was so productive last night! I did the laundry, cleaned the bathroom and cleaned our room a little. I called the audio repair store today and asked if they could fix my headphones. They said I should bring them in to look at them. I biked there, and lo and behold, the place was fucking closed! Why didn’t the guy tell me they were closed! I didn’t want to waste my time, and that’s all I accomplished. I started crying and dropped the bike lock on my toe. It’s weird to cry in public. I was extremely unfriendly at the grocery store. If anyone had said a single mean thing to me I would of broken down. I was crying even when I got home. Thoth comforted me. “No one cares about me accept you.” I said. “Why is it so hard to do everything?” Thoth felt bad. “Sometimes in this life you feel so free, other times you feel things are impossible.” he said.

I was finally able to start drawing details on my new drawing, lots of little flowers. It took hours to just get half of the headdress covered with them, but it’s a start. It’s amazing how suddenly everything comes clear with my drawings. The entire time I’m thinking, “I can’t do this. I’m gonna fuck it up. I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this!” Then all the sudden, BANG! it works. And I continue doubting myself until it gets to a certain point.

Just a few days ago I thought we had housing in Edinburg, we were doing a festival in Brazil and would have an article in the newspaper here in San Diego. The house ended up being too far away, the people for the festival still haven’t gotten back to us, nor has the newspaper. The latter two could still happen, but why does it have to take so long? I was so excited two days ago, now I’m scared again. My emotions go through hell at times like this. I wish I didn’t have to be so freaking emotional. That’s what makes me human I guess.