Tag Archives: fantasizing of flying to London

I Don’t F—ing Care What You Think

Friday July 2nd 2016

I don’t do what I do for you to like me. I don’t do it for your approval. I’m not writing this for you either. I don’t care if you don’t like me. I love you if you do, but I don’t cater what I do to you. I’m not posting pictures of my looks for you. I’m not singing for you. I’m not playing violin for you. I’m not doing anything for you. I’m doing it for me. I don’t care what you think about me or what I’m doing. You can’t advise me when I’m feeling down. You don’t know what I’m going through. There’s no reason for people to care about me, and yet people do. It’s amazing anyone does. I’m a very small person in a very big world. If I make any impact at all, that is astounding, and I know I do. I love the people who love Thoth and me, but I couldn’t give two shits about the others.

My world is small, complex and unique. I write about it here and make vlogs, but there’s nothing I can convey to make you truly understand or like me. Either you do or you don’t. I’m not vlogging or blogging for you. I do that for me, too. It’s a document of my experiences and growth. I share it so if someone can take inspiration from the musings in my head about my strange little life, then that’s great. If people find inspiration in the strange little thing I do called prayforming, then that’s fantastic. The best I can do is keep doing my work and not listen to anything that doesn’t empower me.

It’s of no importance what others think. It’s a freeing thing to say. Immensely satisfying. It’s debilitating to be doing things for approval from others. Everyone is their own unique person with their own unique dreams and values. No one can do for me what I can do for myself. No one can make the things happen I want unless I do. We have a vision, and we make it happen every day. I am fearless and fervently devoted to the work I do with Thoth. I would die for it. I don’t care what anybody thinks about that. I used to, and it really fucked me up. I can’t wait for something to happen outside me, I have to do it myself. I can’t hope for people to be more understanding and accepting, I have to be myself. I am what I want to see in the world. I can’t make anyone feel or do or say anything they haven’t chosen to. It’s a miracle we keep ourselves alive with our work, and that is all that matters. Sure I get down, but I always get up and keep playing.

I used to be scared of offending people or turning people off or doing something that made people misunderstand me. I couldn’t deal with the idea that someone hated or disliked or misunderstood me. It was maddening, but now I’m free of that. I stopped giving two shits what people think. I’ve stopped trying to please everyone. I don’t want to please you, I want to challenge you and move you. I don’t want to be easy to swallow. Being a public performer makes a lion out of you. It shows you who you are and what you’re truly capable of. It puts you face to face with your fears. It molds you into a tough, strong, fearless warrior, especially doing it as uniquely as we do.

I’ve done things at my age most people will never do in their lifetimes because they’re too scared to fail. I’ve never been afraid to fail, because I knew I would never give up. I threw myself into a life of traveling and prayforming with Thoth, throwing caution to the wind back in 2009. No one believed in us then accept for one or two friends, but look at us now. You have to sacrifice everything in order to make your dreams happen. There’s just no pussy-footing around it. Either you go for it %150 or you don’t and end up regretful and bitter in your old age. I will never regret the choices I’ve made. Every day I am reminded I made the best choice of my life, because every day I get to do what I love for a living. I am a professional singer. I’ve never been anything else. I knew that’s what I wanted to be and so that’s what I am. No naysayers could ever stop me. If you follow the voice of your heart with determination, confidence and fearlessness and have faith your dreams are real, then anything is possible. Anything is possible if you follow your heart every day of your life and you try to be kind to others and good to yourself. If I died singing to Thoth, I’d die a happy woman.

Drawing Again

Friday December 26th 2014

So this morning I was very seriously thinking of flying to London to see James in his show today. Really. I looked at flights online. Damn, why didn’t I think of it sooner! I thought it over for about an hour, then realized how nuts it would be to spend so much money¬†and travel so far for just a few days. That’s how much I love James’ acting though. I wrote to my friend to see if she’d be willing to go and see it for me if I bought her a ticket. I drew the rest of the day. Yay hurray for art making! It makes me feel so good to create!

I am so inspired. There are so many things I want to create. When I’m being creative I feel like there isn’t enough time in the day. There isn’t enough time in my life to create everything in my head. I wish I could just draw and sing and dance and be creative all the time. I believe it is possible to be creative all my life. Who know how much more art is inside me. I feel like I am a well of unlimited ideas right now. I don’t know how many of them will exist outside my head, but I want them to. I feel so good when I create something. I can’t believe we created an opera. Who knows where it will go. It’s so exciting. By the end of 2015 we will have another opera written, and who knows what else will happen. We’re going to make a teaser for our new album so everyone can get a taste of it when it’s finished. I got all the cuts done today. Now we have to send it to dad to master.