Friday February 24th 2017
I was very happy to start a new sketch on Wednesday and work on my play. It’s always scary to stare at a blank piece of paper because I never know I will be able to draw something good again, no matter how many good drawings I’ve done before. I was inspired to draw as many creepy faces as I could on the page. When I got up, I read the sweetest message from two new fans from Prague:
“My wife showed me your video earlier today, after she spent half a day listening to you. Now it’s 6 AM here and I’m finishing hours long binge listening to your amazing creations. THANK YOU! You stand out from the noise of music, you create something one would not hope to hear. The land of the orange despot is a bit distant to us these days, but I sure hope you might travel to Europe somewhere we can get and listen to you for hours live. For now we’re gonna figure out how to purchase your records online tomorrow. Well, my biggest hope is that one day we will pay big money to see you in a big baroque concert hall. And I’ll keep searching for a way to contribute a tiny bit to make this happen. Love from your (probably) biggest fans in Prague, Czech Republic.”
Both Thoth and I cried. It touched directly on the dream I have for us. To have someone we don’t even know from halfway around the world write the thing we want to be doing makes it that much closer to happening. It also makes me sad because I know we should be performing in beautiful venues and not have any other options but to perform in public under threat of park rangers. On the other hand, we are truly blessed to have a way to share our music whenever we want to and be creative every day of our lives.
I looked one of those scary faces I drew and wanted to try it as a makeup look. Here’s what happened…
The thing I’m loving is that my disturbing wiring and drawings are seeping into the prayformance. That has never happened before. Darkness is inside me. Always has been. Now I’m not afraid to let it show when I play with Thoth. I’ve only been doing dark looks like these since November. That’s only four months, and now that I have a few dark Gothic dresses I got from my old closet at my mom’s house in Nashville, I’m wearing black too. It’s liberating to be darker and more scary. It’s also fun to see what kind of reaction I’ll get, if any, to the complete change of my look (which is usually none.) People don’t ask me about my makeup or what it means or how I do it. That means I can do whatever I want and people will think whatever they’re going to think. I just follow inspiration wherever it leads me.
I’m very inspired by darkness. Phantom-y stuff. Horror. I love looking at horrific paintings and watching documentaries about serial killers. I love Sweeney Todd and Jekyll and Hyde. Anything about someone who is disturbed and mysterious and possibly bad, yet tender and gentle inside. I liked using crossed painted down my neck and on my head. I wondered if anyone would ask what they mean, but no one did. I’m not religious. I find the cross to be an interesting symbol, as it is a symbol for Yeshua, yet it also is a symbol for torture and violence. Such a simple image with so much meaning behind it.
Makeup gives me the ability to be whoever I want to be and I have the entire pallet available to me now. Pascual came to show his support of our prayformance at the park and soon after Tori and Sister Ida. For some strange reason I saw my cousin Addie from my mothers side of the family. They had to rush away but watched our first song for a moment. My mother’s family has a history of being judgmental towards me, so I didn’t feel comfortable until she left. I don’t like feeling judged, even if that isn’t what is really happening. I’m the black sheep of my family and none of them are apart of my life anymore, accept my sister father and mother. For a long time my mother wasn’t even part of my life. I’m glad that has changed. She and daddy are very supportive now.
We had to move down the hallway away from our usual spot because the white-statue guitar-man was right in front of us. We were nervous to talk to him as sometimes people aren’t so friendly. We played two songs and then Thoth ran over to talk to the man. I could hear them laughing so I knew everything was cool. Thoth and Pascual brought our things back to our spot and I ran to meet him. He was very sweet and really likes what we do. We were both relieved.
We had a lovely prayformance with our friends supporting us. I felt outrageous and beautiful. It’s so freeing and invigorating to be whatever the f*** I want to be, nothing more and nothing less.
I have my sweet Thoth who has inspired me to be whatever I want. No judgments, just the purest and most devotional love and support. He is the best thing I could have ever asked for. His love and support of my crazy weirdness has helped me to be myself fully and utterly. He loves me for what I am and makes me a better person. I love him more than anything in the whole wide world, as he loves me.
Tuesday February 14th 2017
Today is a year to the day I started vlogging on the Tribal Baroque channel! One year of daily vlogs! Yay me! It’s so f**king difficult! Let’s see how long I can keep it up! Hopefully forever! God damn.
I was of course nervous to go out and play in the park. Would we be bothered by a park ranger again? I painted a heart on my forhead to celebrate Valentine’s Day. Last year I painted this incredibly complicated design on my face, this year I went for simplicity. I know now it makes no difference. I do complex makeup now only because I really want to. I’ll get on a run with it, just as I do with drawing. Sometimes I’m completely inspired to do crazy, complex makeup, sometimes not. My makeup is always different…
Valentine’s Day 2014… Button face!
2016… Heart face!
Today was our first Valentine’s Day playing in front of Casa Del Prado instead of in the back like we used to. We played back there for years for fear of park rangers. Last January and February was so horrible I swore we would never play back there ever again, no matter what happens. Playing in the back caused a lot of depressive episodes for me last year. The acoustics weren’t very good and people didn’t gather as easily. It was so frustrating, especially knowing we would have a much better time up front. The acoustics are so much better in the hallway up front, and people gather effortlessly. We can also play up front 5 days a week if we so choose. Back there we could only play 3 days on the weekends. I don’t know how we survived all those years. I will never go back there. We deserve to play up front where everyone can see and hear us.
Tori, her sister and Pascual came to see us today. Tori was all dressed up and had on pretty colorful eye makeup. She was gorgeous! I know now why she loves us so much. She’s a very creative person. She reminds me in a way of myself when I was younger. We had such a magical play. Lots of people came around and watch us and cheered. We sang like angels. We were so joyous and happy. People can tell when we’re happy, especially our fans. Tori said she could feel it.
Sadly, a female park ranger came over after Thoth’s solo and let us know need a permit to collect money. I told her we knew our rights. Thankfully, she left after that. Officer Morales, our friend and fan, was on patrol and looked out for us. He gave us his number again so we could call him if we had any problems. That made me feel wonderful. It’s nice to have a police officer on our side for once. We told the audience what had happened and they cheered for us loudly. I got it on film. We continued playing and had a fantastic time. We were both on cloud 9 when we finished. Tori, her sister and Pascual hung with us while we packed up and we went home. We went out to have Indian food for our Valentine’s Day dinner sitting on cushions. It was so sweet.
We have to be so strong and brave to do this work. People who ask about our lifestyle think it is magic and and dream. It is, but it is just as hard as anyone elses life. We make it work. We have to take each day as it comes.