Tuesday December 30th 2014
Phantom was my sexual awakening. My sister and I became obsessed over Phantom of the Opera when we were 10. We discovered the Highlights version on Halloween night. Listening to “Music of the Night” for the first time changed my life. It was a song about a man who loved music as much as I do. I’d never related to a character like that before. He was attractive to me because he was all the things I wanted in a man, but didn’t think I could ever have. Sensitive, misunderstood, musical, passionate, mysterious, a genius, a music lover, a composer and a singer. His love for Christine captivated me. Their relationship seemed very special. He was her teacher, her lover, her friend. I guess I wanted that, too, but I didn’t know it yet.
When we got The Phantom of the Opera Original Cast Recording I began acting in the alcove of my bedroom. It was the perfect place for it. It had a skylight and it rained a lot where I grew up. Very gloomy. Perfect atmosphere for acting. At first, I wore my grandfather’s old tuxedo, a black cape, straight black pants, a white shirt and a mask. I would pretend I was singing “The Music of the Night” or any other piece Michael Crawford sings on the recording. The experience of acting was addictive. It turned me on. I felt powerful and intense and mysterious, attributes I myself didn’t possess. Sis did it too. We both started doing it around the same time without telling each other. Weird. We would trade off our bedroom alcove one hour at a time. I remember knocking on the door. “It’s my turn sis!” I’d say passionately. “One more minute!” she’d say. Those were the days! Eventually, I began acting to other albums, like various Michael Crawford music, and even music that had nothing to do with Phantom (but reminded me of it.) I would act to symphonic music, Cirque Du Soleil, ect.
As time went on, my pretend plays became more and more intimate in nature and I stopped using music altogether. I devoured all things Phantom. I read all the books, saw all the films, saw the musical 5 times, and read as much phan fiction as I could get my hands on. Phantom by Susan Kay gave me the most ideas for scenes. Alone in my room, I’d pretend I was locked in a cage and beaten, trying to commit suicide, doing magic in Persia, crying for the loss/love of Christine, confessing my love to her, making love to her, teaching her, doing drugs, dying, composing music, being tortured… but it was all pretend. I know, dramatic, right? There was never anyone else in the room. It was just me, acting out the scene and talking to myself. I would act all day long. I would make my voice deeper by adding a whispery quality and making my tongue expand in my mouth. Just hearing my voice turned me on. I soon brought acting to my bed. I wore nothing and act out more erotic scenes. I rarely touched myself. The very act of acting was satisfying. I did this up until I moved out of the house when I was 19. I guess this is what you call roll playing, but I would never do it with someone else. Acting is a very personal, very private experience for me.
This was all before I met Thoth. I still loved Phantom and was a complete outsider. I felt very lonely, separate and misunderstood, then suddenly there was someone in my life who was just like me. Our relationship was built on our musical partnership, not unlike Erik and Christine’s. He was the teacher and I was the pupil. It was never about sex, despite how much we love each other, and it is wonderful. I felt safe to explore my sensuality without feeling pressured. Thoth doesn’t care about sex either. He’s happy having a creative partner (something I think he’d been desiring for a long time.) He’d had sex in the past of course, but he was like me, more interested in being creative. We fit like hand in glove. It’s a miracle he never got married or had children. It’s like he was waiting for me his entire life, and I for him. Not having sex keeps our energy very potent and focused on our creativity. Prayformance is our sex. I believe our energy would be destroyed if we had sex. It’s not that we don’t have fun every once in a while, but it’s secondary to our work. We are the ultimate tantric couple. Twin flames. Soul mates. We don’t need to be physical to love each other. Of course I love his body, and I love to kiss and hug him, but It’s secondary to our music. I think some couples are together for the wrong reasons. They’re together because they have sex. Once that stops, why are they really together? I believe that’s why many affairs and divorce happens. Thoth and I are together for a very clear and meaningful reason. We make music together.
I still act to this day. Not as much, because we’re constantly traveling, but when I have time and space I do. Over the years, Thoth has learned about my desire to act and lets me be when he can. I believe acting saved me for Thoth. I never explored sex or fooled around with boys. I didn’t need to. It kept me pure so I could choose to remain an eternal virgin. I’m very lucky to have met a man who is just like me. We both want to be creative and support each other to do so. No distractions, and constant, unfaltering love and support. That’s why I love him so much. He gets me because he’s just like me. Creativity is the most important thing.