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Discouraged Artist Thoughts

Friday February 3rd 2017

This blog is an honest reflection of my life. No fancy talk. No falsehoods.

This morning I was just sitting and staring at the manuscript for my synopsis of the play and I couldn’t think of anything to write. I wrote a little, but I felt like a complete idiot. Yesterday I felt like I had a great plot, now I feel like I have nothing. It’s not true, but it is how I feel. I get so discouraged when Thoth reads my stories and challenges and questions my choices. He’s only trying to help me, but I feel broken down and worthless. I’m lucky to have his help, most people have to figure this stuff out on their own. I cried I was so frustrated. I made the vlog today to be as long as needed. People don’t watch it anyway, so why do I care to make it short and entertaining? It’s only for me and Thoth. I also got up late, so I didn’t have as much time to work on the things I wanted to work on.

We got to the park and I was prepared for no one to stop and watch us, like yesterday. I felt completely invisible. That’s how I feel when we’re not prayforming. To my surprise, two young men passing us asked, “When are you starting?” It was Robert, an actor who came to see us last year in Balboa Park and said, “You’ve given me inspiration for the entire year.” I was so flattered. I saw our friend D., who gave me a very sweet hug. I asked him, “What is the point of life?” and he said, “There is no point. Only that which we assign to it.” Thoth agrees. We assign prayformance and each other as our reason to live, so I guess that’s the point.

As we began singing, people did not stop. For the second piece, people stood on the other side of the railing, watching from a distance. That is never good. When people watch us with some barrier between us and them, there is no interaction or support, just us giving our music away to them and them taking without giving anything back. It’s energy depleting. People don’t think about it. I couldn’t smile. During our third song, a little girl with her family stood stock still within a feet of us. Her mother knelt down next to her, also very close, clapping her hands. We felt crowded and I felt very objectified. The last two days I’ve been remembering a quote Erik says in my favorite book Phantom by Susan Kay. “I no longer had to prostitute my skills in order to eat.” That’s what I felt like. We’re prostituting our skill in order to survive, and we’re not even being duly compensated for our service. I love singing in public, but it is our livelihood. Sometimes I’m absolutely terrified we won’t be able to live anymore doing this.

Robert and his friend came to watch us, as did Pascual, during our new piece, “Bird Song” (which we improvised on for almost 8 minutes). I left the entire, uncut version of it on the vlog. A bunch of people stopped to watch. When fans come and stand near us to watch without fear, it gives permission for other people to do the same. A bunch of people came up to us afterwards to us, speechless. They couldn’t understand how they could have just stumbled upon something so beautiful. One man wanted to know who we were and what we did other then this, as if we must be famous or something. We’re famous in a certain way, but that’s from street performing all over the world just the two of us for the past 8 years. We just happen to be really f**king talented and good at what we do. That’s all. Haven’t been discovered yet, nor will we likely ever be. Probably only when we’re long gone will the world truly understand what we’re doing.

I felt much better after that song. Robert said he loves my blog because it talks about the struggles of being an artist. “If you guys are still doing this and performing your opera, then I have no excuse!” he said. That was interesting to hear. I imagine our life would be an inspiration to others, but people don’t say that much. Despite all the difficulties of making art in this world, we still go out and do it every day together and we don’t give up. Most of the time I feel like people don’t give a flying f***. I finished feeling much better then I did when we started. I hope I can get some work done on my synopsis tomorrow. i can’t give up on it. Our friend Chris wrote to me yesterday:

Hi Lila!
So awesome that you are forcing yourself to work on your play and work out these ideas! Good for you! As always I have such respect for you as an artist. Don’t stop writing. I wish you all the best!

Just a little encouragement is so helpful!


Hopes for the New Year…

Happy New Year to you my dear readers. May you never stray from your path, whatever it may be. May you find hope and comfort in your darkest hours. May you embrace the whole color wheel of yourselves. May you be bravest when it is most frighting, kindest when its easiest to be cold and loving in all your actions and words. May all your dreams and wishes come true. May you strive and work every day to be the best person you can be. May you be full of gratefulness and joy for every day that is given to you. May you be surrounded with trusted advisors and friends who hold you up when you need it. May you hold up and shelter those around you that you love most. May everyone you love know how much you love them, and vise versa.

I am on fire. I’ve created a personal goal for myself. I get up early, write for 2 or 3 hours and then draw and act and listen to music. It is New Years Day. I feel more inspired and productive then I ever have before. I am teaching myself to create and execute long term goals. I am finding that it is OK to be whatever it is I need to be. I am dreaming of what is it I want to be, what it is I know I can be. I am listening to my own heart and following its lead down the strange and treacherous path of life. I feel protected by angels who shelter and watch over me.

This morning I called or messaged several people who have impacted my life through their love, caring, acceptance and support of me and my art. All of these people have inspired me to continue doing what I do. Sometimes it’s hard to tell those dearest to us how much they mean to us. Fear of how they might react, what they might say, how they might feel, what they might do, can stifle our expression. The same holds true for expressing honestly and openly in our art. The best thing, and a goal for myself this year, is to tell people I care about that I love them and expect nothing in return. To be open and honest with the world at large in my performance, in my singing, in my acting and in myself, and not expect anything in return. Not expecting or assuming anyone to understand, love or accept me for the complex little being that I am, makes any love, compassion and acceptance I do get to be that much more appreciated by me.

That is all we can do. Express ourselves. Share ourselves. Cherish those who mean the world to us, fearlessly express what we have inside ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are, flaws and all. It is a lifelong process. One we accomplish day by day. It is more powerful for others than I will ever know. People are impacted by my actions, by my words, by my being in ways they could never express in words. Same as how the people who have affected my life I could never really tell them. Being a loving, open, raw and honest person makes a profound impact. It touches people’s souls in a wordless way. Some people settle into our psyches and we dream of them in ways we could never say in words. The human condition is so precious, so delicate, so fragile. We must do our best to show love in our every action, with no intent to get something in return. Love is a powerful thing. It shapes all of our lives. It is what makes life worth living. Love and creativity. I am so blessed to have both of those things in my life in abundance.

Yesterday, I writhed around on the floor to some beautiful symphonic music, imagining I was grieving for the loss of a loved one. It was wonderful. Acting bliss. I used to do that all the time when I was a teenager. I’m going to make another video tonight to post here. Making that video yesterday, sharing my drawings and dancing was really exhilarating too. I’m not afraid to share anything anymore. It doesn’t matter and it does. People like it or they don’t. Who cares. It’s fun for me.