Today I realized something: W H A T W E D O I S R E A L L Y F ‘ I N G W E I R D . I mean, we’re singing incredibly loudly and operatically in a public hallway in a public park while playing violin, dancing and acting, all in a made up language. It was the first time we played in over a month. Well, we played a show in Huntsville on the 21st of December, but that was different. Playing in public is actually really scary and weird! We’re singing full out for a bunch of strangers. It feels like I haven’t played in a century. I also feel like I have explored some things while taking time off that, though I’m scared to, I want to share in public. My own things. I wonder what these next 4 months will do creatively for me. I feel like I want to burst out. I felt vulnerable today. Tori came to see us and she was saying all these wonderful things about our work and how brave we are. I didn’t feel as brave today. I realize how brave we are to do what we do. I usually don’t think about it. It’s second nature to me. Today, it was as if I was seeing myself from the perspective of the audience. Shocked at what I am doing. Confused and befuddled. How did my life become this? I sing my own music in public parks for a living all over the world with a man who adores me….?! How did this happen? Am I living a dream or something?
Our music is immensely simple, yet very raw and emotional. I think because it is simple we can project a lot more emotion though it. It is simpler to me than it is to people watching us. We make it look easy. I’ve been doing it for 8 years, so it’s second nature to me. I don’t think I’m playing violin and singing usually, but today I was very aware of how unusual it is. No one does what we do in the whole world. That’s how unique it is. No one does it but us. I have been halfway around the world and have not seen anything like it. That’s what causes our life to be what it is, for me to feel the things I feel. Because I haven’t done what we do in a month, I see it in a different way. We may be insignificant in the world, but what we do is important. If we stopped, people would notice, and they would miss us. People to love what we do. I am humble about it. I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and keep making, keep doing things. I don’t know what kinds of things, but THINGS, as friend of mine said, as many things as I can.
I am working hard on my new play. It is frustrating as hell. I work on it first thing when I get up, after writing a page of long hand. I wasn’t able to work on it as much today as I’d like, as I had to focus on something trivial and obnoxious, but important. All I want to do is be creative. I hate doing anything else. I don’t usually have to. I’m spoiled, but I worked hard to have a life dedicated to creativity. We keep things in our lives to a minimum in order to live like monks, dedicated to art and creativity. It’s our whole lives.
I am so ready to start working on and playing new music. I feel the urge. I feel the need to try something new with my performance. I know by the end of these 4 months something amazing will happen. I will be performing in a way I can’t imagine now. My style will change. We’ll meet new friends. Get to know the friends we have better. Perform new music. Get more of my play figured out. Figure out the story for the new opera. So many things I want to do! I’m happy to say I have more personal projects I’m working on then ever before. Also my drawings, my personal vlog channel and my blog. Lots of ways to express my creativity. It’s hard to stay focused when we come home after prayformance. I’m glad I’m getting up early so I can work on things for a few hours before going to play. It’s a full day of creativity for both of us.
I can be very scared, especially when we first settle in a new place. We have to trust that everything will work out. Even though it usually always does, I think something bad will happen. I prepare for that every day. I expect the worse, so when the best happens, I’m always surprised. My lifestyle is about learning to have faith in our work, in other people’s generosity and in the universe. We truly live life not knowing what each day will bring. Most people situate themselves in a position of safety. We feel safe, then we leave and settle in somewhere totally different. We’re creatures of change. We adapt to whatever we need to adapt to in order to be as creative as we possibly can be at all times. No matter where we are, and we get better at it every time we travel. Our life is hard. No stability, but it’s good for our minds and hearts to not be able to get too settled or too comfortable. We always have to problem solve and be creative in how we are creative and productive in our lifestyle. We’ve found a way that works. Maybe we can’t do it forever, but we’ll do it until we find another way to do it better. We are very blessed. Hard work pays off. Focus on something for a long time and good things will happen.
11 January 2017 We had such a wonderful first day home! I feel safe, loved, blessed and blissful. Our friends are helping us so much. We have friends here. Amazing friends. We’re living in an amazing place. Perfect location. It was misty and rainy all day. It’s so green here. I forgot.
Something I learned today is how seen we are by people. Alone, we are not. We are not an island. We affect a lot of people, more people then we can know. We make a positive impact on the world every single day, just by existing and being together, just by being ourselves. Two people recognized us at Sprouts. That happens all the time. I don’t know how we seem to other people. I only know how I feel. We were just walking around the store and a woman stopped and said, “You are beautiful. There is hope for the world.” We weren’t doing anything. Just shopping in our everyday outfits. See? I just don’t know how others percieve us. I can imagine how they might, but sometimes I feel invisible. Like what I do makes no impression, but it does. How I dress, how I act, what I say, what I do, makes an impact on everyone around me, especially through our prayformances, but even just by being ourselves. It’s not the makeup, the costumes, the show, that makes those closest to us love us. It’s us. I am the only me, and I can and do make an impact on the universe simply by existing.
I can not wait to prayform this weekend. I’m really excited to go out on our bikes when the rain clears. Who knows if we’ll go out to play tomorrow. I’m so tired. The bed here is so comfortable. What an amazing place to be living, and what an incredible location! We have everything we need to have a brilliant time here, and a beautiful place to prayform. It really couldn’t be better then this.
11 January 2017
We’re in Downtown San Diego now. I’m in shock at how nice it is here. We’re staying at our friend Dave’s creative loft right, which is right in front of the trolley. We’ve know Dave since we first played in Balboa Park in February 2010. He was the first to “discover” us in Balboa Park and started our connection with Art Lab and Jim (both which ended up not panning out well in the end.)
We went and did all our errands already (it’s 4pm), and Thoth is out returning the rental car. We got Thai food take out at our favorite place, Sab E Lee, before our friend Tasha came to drop off our bikes and things. She and our friend Forrest saved us last April when we left Jim’s house and he told us we had to remove all our stuff. They took everything and put it in storage for us. I don’t know what we would have done if we didn’t have friends. That’s why I love San Diego. We have so many close friends here. Now I feel safe and loved and supported. I’m so glad we have a completely new place to live. We’ve been coming to San Diego every winter for 7 years and I don’t know the downtown area, so it’s like something old feels new. We lived with Jim every year. Low and behold, we saw Todd at Sprouts while shopping. He was the owner of the property Jim lived in and was always wonderful to us. We’ll miss him. He’s married now. We’ll have dinner with them soon.
I feel so blessed. Dave is helpful and supportive and giving and flexible. He always was, but for 7 years, he was in the background of our lives here in San Diego. For all those years, we never had anywhere else to stay but at Jim’s house. It feels like a resurgence for us, a reawakening. We thought we would never have anywhere else to live here. Dave is so generous to open his loft to us. He’s helping us more then he knows. We don’t have to bike 4 and 1/2 miles every day there and back to get to the park anymore. The park is a half hour’s walk from here. A 2 mile bike ride. Last year I was completely over the long, tiring bike ride. At Jim’s house we were trap. I am grateful for what we had, but this is so much better. Everything feels so much easier. It is easier! Dave even said we could use his car when he isn’t using it!
I can’t wait to play in Balboa Park this weekend. I can’t wait to go out to eat out around here. To have friends over, to do a house concert, to work and create and be comfortable. I had such a good sleep last night. Finally. After two days of very little. We have to be in a place we can play in order to be happy. Whenever we are here, I am always seduced into imagining us staying here, especially this year. At Jim’s house we felt trapped, here we are free.
9 January 2017 I have always embraced being a woman. I love having a woman’s body; being hairless, having a high singing voice, etc. I have no issues with being a girl. Optimally, I’d love for my breasts to be smaller, but I’ll let that pass. That all being said, I’d love to have a cock. It’s always fascinated me. I have penis envy. It is so much more exposed and vulnerable then a pussy is. When you get turned on as a girl, no one knows. If you’re a boy, well… I want to know what that feels like. I think what I am is a gay cross dressing boy in a girl’s body. I like to think of myself as some dark, mysterious boy instead of a bright, pretty girl. That’s what I feel like inside.