6 months ago at the debut of our opera, people said things I thought I would carry with me forever. These words of support came from people with influence and intelligence about art and music, not just random passers by in the park. They were successful people who knew what they were talking about. Now the words of support have faded to the point that I’m questioning if what people said was genuine. What if they didn’t really mean it? At the time it seemed like they did. Benjamin Zander and his two conductor friends were so in love with us at the after show that Ben gave me a kiss and was flailing his arms around like a little kid. (I found out later that’s just how enthusiastic he is.) He even came to dinner at Sarah’s house the next night and we got to spend some time together. It was magical. At the time, I told myself I would never forget these people’s words and I would always remember we are that good.
The quality of our work didn’t become less good in the past 6 months, it’s just that I haven’t heard feedback that positive in a long time, and I need to. I need to be told I’m good enough, because deep, deep down I don’t think I am. A quote from a friend’s blog encapsulated these sentiments perfectly.
“I’d felt my every appearance on a stage was my saying: ‘How about this? Am I good enough yet? Am I –acceptable?’”
All I want is acceptance and love when we prayform. That’s why I do it. I want people to love us, to help us and say nice things to us. It’s probable that the people who see us in the park say lots of nice things about us to their friends, but we rarely hear about it. We hear things occasionally like, “You guys are incredible.” “Your voices are amazing.” and “I’ve never seen anything like this.” but do they really mean it? I feel like if people truly loved us, something would happen for us. Why do I put so much value on what people do or don’t say about me? Why do I question their sincerity, distrust and doubt people? Why can’t I simply do the work and not give a fuck what people say? BUT WHO DOESN’T!?
I have a lot of doubts about what I do. It’s interesting how tons of people could say nice things to us, but if one person says something unsupportive it can get me down for weeks. I’m my biggest critic though. All artist are, if they are any good I think. I can’t bare to watch myself perform. I can listen to my singing, but it kills me to watch myself. I become hyper critical of every single thing I do and I look for mistakes. I could never enjoy our work as others do. My sister has the same experience when she watches me. It’s like she’s watching herself.
I talked to a long distance friend today about my struggles; insecurity about myself, doubt and discouragement about my life, etc. He really helped me because he goes through the same thing. He gave some good suggestions about working on my story, too. It helps me to know I’m not alone. I talked to my sister about it, too, and she was also encouraging. She likes watching my videos and encourages me to keep making them. She told me how proud she is that I have been blogging for so long. She said it seems like it’s been 10 years. Over the last few weeks, I’ve been talking to people about my feelings, and it helps me. My poor Thoth feels like he has no one to talk to. We’re both shy and reclusive people and it takes so much effort to talk to people about our feelings. We want to know we are loved.