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Thought and Feelings of a Living, Working, Struggling Musician, Artist and Performer

Saturday February 18th 2017

Hi friends! I’m sorry I’m getting so behind on the blogs these days. Sometimes, like now, I become hyper focused on drawing and writing and have zero interest in blogging. I know there are a few dedicated readers who miss it when I don’t write consistently. I’m sorry. It’s hard to keep it up just for a few people, though that should be motivation enough because I know those few people love and care about us very much. It’s sometimes just hard to keep everything going when I think too much about how insignificant it is. My talents are numerous and I have a skill set that many people would die to have (I didn’t say that, a friend did), but being talented doesn’t make it any easier sometimes. Being talented makes life harder I think. When you’re talented, your able to see the way things are more clearly than others. I talked to our friend Bill about it tonight after prayformance. What is the point of it all, when neither Thoth or I have anything to show for what we’ve done? He said it’s not about the result, it’s about doing it. Thoth said the exact same thing last night. Creation is the process of the soul. Bill said something else significant too. He said maybe we look down from somewhere before we’re born and say, “That would be the best life for me to increase my spirit. A life of making art every single day and getting no physical rewards for it, possibly for my entire life. That would make me a better person and a purer soul.” The challenge to create not for gain but for increasing  something completely invisible, personal spiritual power. Thoth said something similar last night. Making art isn’t about the result, it’s about increasing ones self. The goal is not the  end result, the goal is the process. The goal is doing the work. The trick is turning away from a world that looks for physical rewards as being the only reason to work hard on anything and doing it simply to increase the self. Harder than it seems! To create simply to create, just as nature does. We are so like nature.

Oh man, today was tough. This whole week has been tough. It was supposed to downpour yesterday when we were supposed to play, so we didn’t go out. That left us with three days off and only one day this week of playing. Ugh. Tuesday’s play was magical, but those damn park rangers! We’re scared to play now and there is nothing we do will change that. Nothing anyone else can do about it either. We have no legitimacy at the park or anywhere we play for that matter, yet we’re doing something people love that is unique in all the world. We’re these illegitimate street performers wandering around the world pushing our way into places we’re not really allowed to play, but really we’re uniquely talented, underrated artists who just need a opportunity to shine. The best thing anyone can do is to come see us prayform all the time, like Tori and Pascual and Bill do, and as they did today. Of course on the day we decided to go out to play, today, it was raining as we got on our bikes and it poured as we biked up the hill to the park. Thoth was in a really bad mood on our days off, so it made him feel worse. “What the f**k are we doing?” I thought to myself. Thoth was thinking the same, no doubt. The hallways were crowded with homeless people. We had to wait and I had to ask them to move. They ended up listening to us play.

I am so f**king tired of playing scared. Having our friends there makes all the difference. We will always be scared and we’ll always have to battle that fear every day. Sometimes it’s worse than other times. Every day we face the fear anew. Each day it’s, “Will we get harassed by the park rangers today or not?” We shouldn’t have to be afraid. When that park ranger bothered us the first time, he ruined our peace of mind. We have to be strong and try to not let it affect it, but it threatens our whole lifestyle here in San Diego. This is our winter home and if we can’t play in the park anymore, we can’t be in San Diego. Getting through this season without another incident wouldn’t change anything, because next January we’ll have to face it all over again. Why do we have to be afraid to play our beautiful music in a public space? We should feel loved and protected and cared for. Our fans and friends do that for us. The park rangers do nothing but scare and intimidate and harass us. I don’t even think they can do anything to us other than that. F**k.

Today was one of those prayformance we really had to push through. It was one of those prayformance I just wanted to sit down and cry. I know you my friends only wish the best for us and believe we will find success, but I have no illusions, or delusions, about it. I look at Thoth who is 62 and no better off than me. A man of great knowledge and skill and talent who may never see any rewards for his work, other than that he manages somehow to do it until his death, and that he has me. I know any of you who are reading would do something if you could. Sometimes I believe success will come. One could say we have found success by simply by finding a way to live a creative life, but I’m imagining something more significant. Even after having played for an hour, we still didn’t feel better. The rain and the lack of donations didn’t help my mood either. January and February are notoriously rough, and it’s hard not to let it affect our moods. It will be this way always. At least we get to play. In NYC or pretty much anywhere else we wouldn’t be able to play at all during these months. We just have to weather it and push through. That’s all we can do. Sometimes it feels like everything is hanging on by the smallest thread, and no one can help us. It could so easily fall apart, but so could anyone’s life. Bill said something else interesting. No one is safer than us. We just live that truth honestly. We are not safe. We have no possessions. People try to make themselves feel safe with money and houses and cars, but we have none of those things. We have our work, we have each other and we have our gifts and talents to do the work we need to do. That is worth more than anything in the world combined. Those who see that are our friends.

Thursday February 16th and Friday Feb. 17th 2017

“Solice” by General Fuzz and “Miss You” by Trentemoller have been my soundtracks all our days off this week. I can’t stop listening to them. The song “Solice” is eerie and goes well with the play I’m writing a plot for. I got the plot for “The Land of Deadly Echoes” basically finished and turned it in for Thoth to read. I painted for a few hours and once Thoth read the plot, he told me a few things didn’t quite work, which I fixed. He read it again and said it was good. I was so happy. I finally finished the plot synopsis for my play!! 1 month and 3 weeks of work every morning. I almost gave up a few times. Now I have to write the play, which will be even more difficult! I made a vlog of my new drawings for you, with concept sketches for my characters from the play called Fray Wrathanian and Ashen Delency. I started drawing a scary face using the dark paints I bought on Wednesday to start painting the sketches I’ve done over the last week or so. Painting is challenging for me. It isn’t as precise as drawing, but I’m learning white paint can be used to tidy things up. It’s a challenge to try and make faces look scary. On Friday I started adding other faces to my painting. Drawing is a stress reliever for me.

I started drawing a scary face using the dark paints I bought on Wednesday to start painting the sketches I’ve done over the last week or so. Painting is challenging for me. It isn’t as precise as drawing, but I’m learning white paint can be used to tidy things up. It’s a challenge to try and make faces look scary. On Friday I started adding other faces to my painting.

All I Can Do Is My Very Best

– HOT MESS PRAYFORMANCE, RAIN STORM –

Wednesday September 14th 2016

I had a dream about Michael Crawford. We were friends. He was doing a show in Nashville and I invited him to stay at moms house. He did. I went up into our bedroom and told my sister “Michael Crawford is here.” You can only dream about people you have met.

I got all made up, listening to Michael Crawford sing “Music of the Night.” It’s such a beautiful, sensuous song.  I’ve loved it since I was 10. Michael doesn’t have the best trained, most beautiful voices, but his is one of my favorites. Gentle, boyish, sensual and powerful all in one, especially as Erik (the Phantom). 1The interesting thing about me is I love dressing like and being a fairy pixie fantasy creature, and yet I absolutely love dark, disturbing characters and music. I am a pixie, but if I could, if I had the voice and the body for it, I would want to be more like Erik and have a beautiful baritone voice. My voice is so pure  and I’m so small and pixie-ish. I can’t get away from it.

I put on some little pasties I’d bought yesterday. They’re not pasties, but they’re pretty and they cover my nipples. I put on my undergarment my mom gave me for Christmas. Instead of putting my pink tutu around my waist, I put it over my shoulders. I always find ways to try new things with the clothes I have.

2 4We got on the train and a man sitting in front of me said “You look like a fairy tale.” and then said, “Something my daughter would love.” That made me feel good. A woman asked to take my photo before we got off the train.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Dan was waiting for us at the Angel Tunnel. We were late because we had to walk from 59th street. All the trains were running express. Annoying. Cover Story finished singing and we quickly set up. A film crew was setting up a big, big rig and drilling planks. We assumed the sound would be happening all afternoon. We got through an hour of playing, but the drilling and lack of supportive audience was too much. We played “Sea Expressions” to only Dan. He got some great photos. It seems to be guaranteed that when I get dressed up, we have a bad play.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

We decided to stop an hour early. We’d given all we could give for that day. That’s all we can do. Dan and I did a photo shoot at the back of the tunnel. I felt beautiful, cute and skimpy. It is worth it to dress up on days when Dan comes to see us, even if the day is below average. At least I get some beautiful photos, and he had something fun to shoot. I even took off my top and we shot me almost nude! It was such fun. I feel really safe with Dan. He doesn’t make me feel like an object like most photographers in the park do. He is our trusted friend.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

The two amplified guitarist and drummer started playing really loudly outside the tunnel, as they’ve done in the past. It started raining hard. They had to stop and came into the tunnel. Serves them right. They’re always setting up on people who are playing in the tunnel. Thoth went over to confront one of them. I didn’t know what happened, but he came back and told me the drummer was nice. He even said they would come and talk to us before playing from now on. We’ll see what happens.

Dan walked with us towards the subway. It started raining so hard we had to hide under some umbrellas. We stayed there for over a half an hour until it started clearing. Thoth walked ahead of us and Dan and I walked under my umbrella. We got into the subway out of the rain and went home.

– TWO DAYS OFF –

Monday September 12th and Tuesday September 13th 2016

We spent almost the entire day at home on Monday. We needed it. It was the first day we spent at home since we got to NYC. Very nice. Relaxing. In the evening, around 10pm, we went to a French restaurant down the street for dinner and found a big grocery store. 🙂