Tag Archives: do we have fans

I’M A ZOMBIE

Sunday October 23rd 2016

I got to my makeup at 11am. I was deeply inspired to try something skeletal, something dark and disturbing. This is what happened.

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Somehow I got finished in 2 hours and we got our butts to Central Park. It’s an interesting experiment to go out looking the way I do in NYC. People rarely stare at me, especially on the subway. If someone talks to me it’s a rare thing. One woman, an old lady, said I looked scary, but cute. That’s what I was going for. She asked if we were going to a party. That’s what people usually ask. We do something they can’t even fathom. That’s what I love about what I do. I don’t just put on crazy makeup and walk around (or just take it off) I go out in the world and perform for strangers and make a living. I do makeup for fun. I’ve learned it doesn’t effect the prayformance whether I wear no makeup or a lot as far as I know. I do it to challenge myself. It is a challenge to go out with my face painted so outrageously and be %100 confident.

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Cover Story was performing at the tunnel a bit later today, so we had time to get ready without rushing. I felt like I’d been running around like a mad person up ’till then. This look took a long time to achieve accurately. The teeth were a pain to draw, but I really was pleased with the results. I looked like a skeleton!

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The prayformance itself was tough for both of us. Lots of people watched, but no one talked to us while we played. I go into auto pilot when that happens. I’d rather feel inspired! Only at the very end our friend Sarah arrived and was shocked to see me. She loved my look and another woman was loving us, too. That made it all worth it. I’m sure people don’t know how important it is to artists to have interaction with their audiences. Just gawking at us doesn’t cut it for me. I know a lot of people enjoyed our work today, but how would I really know unless they said something?

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Sarah invited us to sushi dinner after we played. We packed up very slowly and talked about our day. I know audience members have a completely different perspective on our prayformances than we do. People can watch, say nothing to us, throw us a few dollars and walk away and be completely mesmerized. People can watch us for half a song and walk away and still be mesmerized. We don’t know what they’re feeling, but when we have a full prayformance with no interaction, we feel alone in a sea of people. It’s conversation, interaction and kind words that makes our day! Displaying 20161023_214428.jpg

We stopped off at Sarah’s place to drop off our stuff and walked with her to sushi at 59th St. The food was really delicious and we had lovely conversation. Sarah knows us better than almost anyone. She said I looked ghoulish and I did a really good job with the look. We walked back to her place and a doorman pretended to be scared of me. I went over and growled at him. It was funny. Displaying 20161023_203427.png

We felt great as we got on the subway to go home. I look like ZOMBIE LILA!!

Displaying 20161023_210142.pngscreen-shot-2016-10-23-at-8-19-17-pmWe do what we do without much. Just our own talent and will to f’ing do it. My mom told me the other night her journal is the exact same as mine. “I did a great show and no one came. When are people going to care about what I’m doing? I’m doing the best I can.” (she quoted something similar from her journal.) Yup. That’s my life. People say to us, “You have more fans than you think.” But where are they and when are they going to step up and really support us? When we’re famous? That would be ironic. We need people’s support NOW. Sometimes I don’t believe anything will happen for us, other than if we do it ourselves.

Do We Have Fans?

Tuesday April 19th 2016IMG_0816

Prayformance feels like a 2 hour a day, 4 to 5 days a week isolated incident of support (somewhat.) People throw us cash and say nice things to us (sometimes). Occasionally they say they want to hire us or get us hired for an event. But when we’re not prayforming, nothing happens. No inquiry or inquest to book us or help us with anything. We are alone doing this work and very few people care if we do it or not. If we stopped prayforming, no one would care. If I ever ask people for help, financially or otherwise, they turn a blind eye. Thank god we can survive doing our public prayformance, we couldn’t survive without it, but it’s as if we are completely isolated from any support outside of that. People sometimes say they want to do things with us, but only one out of the many people who say that actually do anything. Where are our fans? Thoth has never felt he had fans either. We have friends, but what about fans? Well, maybe we have one or two fans. There are so many artists in the world who have big supportive fan bases, but we don’t. Why? I have no clue. Hundreds of people have seen us prayform, yet how many of them contribute to the continuation of our work or look us up online to continue to support us after seeing us? 1, 2 people? Maybe.

I don’t get it. Are we not doing something right? Prayformance is the only thing I’ve ever done that has given me something substantial. People recognize us in the street on our days off sometimes and say nice things. That’s always shocking. I feel like we’re invisible outside of our prayformances. People say, “You have fans all over the world.” That’s nice to imagine, but where are they? I don’t see them. I don’t get any sense of having support of our work, and honestly I’m tired of it. What do we have to do to get people to support us? Do we have to struggle for the rest of our lives and only get the respect we deserve once we’re dead, like Bach and Van Gogh? Why? We need support now. It will be of no use to us when we’re dead.

We just have to keep going out to the park and prayforming until something changes. At least we make enough to travel and support ourselves through prayformance. God knows where we’d be if we didn’t have that, but it’s such an unstable income. It’s like dancing on the edge of a knife. One day we’re doing great, the next not so much. People say, “You should give without expecting anything in return.” Yeah, sure, I’d like them to try it and see how they feel. Go to work for a few months with that mindset and see how it goes. I bet they wouldn’t last very long. “Oh I’ll just work my butt off and people don’t have to tip me or say anything about what I’m doing. I’m fine with that.” NOT! We all want support for our hard work.

If anyone else was in my or Thoth’s shoes, they’d of given up 5 years ago, or 10 or 15 years as far as Thoth is concerned. He’s been prayforming for TWENTY FIVE YEARS and he doesn’t have much support either. Do we really have to do this alone until we’re dead before anyone gives a shit? Thank the heavens we don’t have to beg or placate anyone for money in order to do this. I say fuck it. We do deserve more credit and respect for what we do. I’m going to keep saying that until I hit the pavement. I’m not going to give up on this work. It’s the hardest and most painful thing I’ve ever done. The world is a callus, uncaring hole of mostly nasty people who only care about themselves. I am living a life that relies on the small minority of people who believe in goodness, compassion and understanding of their fellow creatures. I believe the world can be a giving, loving place full of people who are good and kind and generous. I lay my life on the line for that belief every day.

Despite how many times I get smacked down by the world’s uncaringness and cruelty, I continue to stand up and fight for my beliefs. I will never put them down or give up. I know how fucked up people are and how fucked up the world is because I see it on a daily basis. I see the unfairness, the nastiness, the meanness, but I also see those brief moments of beauty. Those moments someone gives to us so generously and truly understands the value of what we do. I live for those kinds of moments. I live for goodness and generosity and love. I believe the world can be a much better place than it is now, where artists like us are truly respected and honored for the work they do in the world. I will never give up on that.