Wednesday July 13th 2016
I think people who watch us prayform and love our work think our life is easy and magical. It is, but I have my own personal emotional problems. It’s hard to get into other people’s minds and understand what they are going through emotionally. Being anything other than carefree and happy on a vlog or blog or even in physical interactions with others is very easily judged. People act like they’re always happy so they won’t be judged. Like just today I was having a hard day. No real reason. It was partly due to our prayformance on Sunday (if you could call it that). I had a fun weekend, but when today rolled around and I had to face what could be another hard prayformance, I didn’t want to. Thoth is good at handling my bad moods. He loves me regardless of my state of mind. I get plenty of hugs and kisses. I didn’t put on makeup for prayformance. I didn’t feel there was any reason to. Strange, because we ended up having a fantastic night, but that was later.
I ended up feeling quite feisty for the first few songs when we started playing. That’s better than feeling depressed. I get irritated by little things at times like these. A man mockingly sang at me for a split second while walking by. To anyone else it seems like nothing, but in my state of mind then I wanted to scream. While in stillness before the next song, a man walking by stared at us. We were still for enough time for him to wave his hand in front of my face as if to make me move. I didn’t, and I wanted to scream. He even came back and watched us for a while. A drunk man came forward while we were singing and placed a glass of wine in front of us. When I’m playing and someone comes at me, I don’t know what the f— is going on. It scared me. He started “dancing” and “singing” loudly while we were in stillness for the next song. We didn’t move until he stopped. He came back later to try and talk to us. I just glared at him. He really had no clue how obnoxious he was being. The crowd of people sitting and watching us were clearly annoyed, too. It’s funny how people do things to annoy you without even knowing they’re doing it.
I am not the most chipper, positive or friendly of people when in a bad mood. I mean, who is. I just see this more in me because I have to interact with strangers a lot in prayformance. My only defense against bullying throughout my school days was to stop talking to anyone. I just walked around in my crazy outfits, listening to operas. I shut down to the possibility of friendly interaction or friendship. I was always on my guard. I’m like that now. Thoth is much more friendly than I. That being said, I bring people into our lives as friends more than Thoth does, I write and share more online and I put my heart on my sleeve when I’m with people I trust. I need to work on being nice even when I don’t feel like it.
We ended up having a great prayformance. I was thrilled, having been in such a bummed out mood. Having a great play cheers me up like nothing else. Despite the petty annoyances, people were very kind and supportive. It completely changed my mood. I am so grateful for days like these. They put my frustrations into perspective. It’s hard when I’m sad to not get wrapped up in my feelings. It’s easy to look back as I was editing today’s vlog to see what a wonderful day we had.
Not doing well today. Uninspired. I’m trying so hard to write this story for our new opera, but it is unbelievably difficult. I don’t like writing when I’m struggling, but I need to. I want to share how I feel, good or bad. If you don’t want to read about things when I’m down, then stop reading. I want to be inspiring to our friends and fans. I know I affect some people by what I write and say in videos. I feel like nothing will ever happen for us. I feel like something is conspiring to make sure nothing will happen for us. Isn’t that crazy to say? It sounds stupid, but that’s how I feel!
We worked so fucking hard to write this opera last year and I was so hopeful something would happen. Something big that would change our lives forever. It felt like a team of people were starting to form around us. A group that would help our work be seen by more people, not just for two shows in Martha’s Vineyard, but for lots and lots of shows for many years all over the world. That didn’t happen, and it doesn’t seem like it will. 6 months have passed since the debut of the opera, and nothing has happened.
We were in New York for 3 months and shit hit the fucking fan, then we were safe at our friend’s house in Oakland for a month, now we’re here. I feel safe, but we have to pay for plane tickets to Europe pretty soon and I have no idea what’s going to happen. It doesn’t help that we’re not doing very well in the park. Last year it was no trouble to pay for tickets because we had money coming in from the opera commission. This year we have nothing else protecting us but playing in the park 4 days a week, and God knows there’s no stability in that.
Last year it was like we were steering a ship that was manned by several people who were helping us. We had a corse set, a compass and the winds were blowing us where we needed to go. Now it seems like we hit bad weather, the ship capsized and everybody jumped out and now Thoth and I are stranded on a desert island staring at the dark, ominous waters beyond the safety of the beach, knowing that we must go back out into the open water and have no idea if we’ll be saved or not. That’s how it feels right now for us.
I wish I could always be inspired. I wish I never got depressed. I wish I wasn’t bothered that we’re alone all over again. I wish I could just appreciate what we had last year and let it go. It was as if last year we were working at a higher level, because we had support. The truth is, we were always alone, we just didn’t feel so alone. It felt like people were on our side, and trying to make something happen for us.
I wish something magical could happen for us, not just that we had to create the magic by ourselves all the time. We’ve been creating magic for people for almost 7 years. Yes, we’ve had many magical experiences, but nothing that was long lasting. All the magic that happens to us happens because we go out and play. We create the magic, but creating magic all the time is sometimes really fucking hard. That’s what we signed up for I guess, but that doesn’t mean I can’t say it isn’t hard. Just because I made this life for myself doesn’t mean it isn’t incredibly difficult sometimes. You wouldn’t think making magic is hard, but it is. It’s because of the uniqueness of my life that it isn’t hard, and I don’t think that will ever be different.
I just have to find a way to keep my head above water.