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Trying to Keep My Head Above Water

Photo by Dan Rubin

Photo by Dan Rubin

Not doing well today. Uninspired. I’m trying so hard to write this story for our new opera, but it is unbelievably difficult. I don’t like writing when I’m struggling, but I need to. I want to share how I feel, good or bad. If you don’t want to read about things when I’m down, then stop reading. I want to be inspiring to our friends and fans. I know I affect some people by what I write and say in videos. I feel like nothing will ever happen for us. I feel like something is conspiring to make sure nothing will happen for us. Isn’t that crazy to say? It sounds stupid, but that’s how I feel!

We worked so fucking hard to write this opera last year and I was so hopeful something would happen. Something big that would change our lives forever. It felt like a team of people were starting to form around us. A group that would help our work be seen by more people, not just for two shows in Martha’s Vineyard, but for lots and lots of shows for many years all over the world. That didn’t happen, and it doesn’t seem like it will. 6 months have passed since the debut of the opera, and nothing has happened.

We were in New York for 3 months and shit hit the fucking fan, then we were safe at our friend’s house in Oakland for a month, now we’re here. I feel safe, but we have to pay for plane tickets to Europe pretty soon and I have no idea what’s going to happen. It doesn’t help that we’re not doing very well in the park. Last year it was no trouble to pay for tickets because we had money coming in from the opera commission. This year we have nothing else protecting us but playing in the park 4 days a week, and God knows there’s no stability in that.

Last year it was like we were steering a ship that was manned by several people who were helping us. We had a corse set, a compass and the winds were blowing us where we needed to go. Now it seems like we hit bad weather, the ship capsized and everybody jumped out and now Thoth and I are stranded on a desert island staring at the dark, ominous waters beyond the safety of the beach, knowing that we must go back out into the open water and have no idea if we’ll be saved or not. That’s how it feels right now for us.

I wish I could always be inspired. I wish I never got depressed. I wish I wasn’t bothered that we’re alone all over again. I wish I could just appreciate what we had last year and let it go. It was as if last year we were working at a higher level, because we had support. The truth is, we were always alone, we just didn’t feel so alone. It felt like people were on our side, and trying to make something happen for us.

I wish something magical could happen for us, not just that we had to create the magic by ourselves all the time. We’ve been creating magic for people for almost 7 years. Yes, we’ve had many magical experiences, but nothing that was long lasting.  All the magic that happens to us happens because we go out and play. We create the magic, but creating magic all the time is sometimes really fucking hard. That’s what we signed up for I guess, but that doesn’t mean I can’t say it isn’t hard. Just because I made this life for myself  doesn’t mean it isn’t incredibly difficult sometimes. You wouldn’t think making magic is hard, but it is. It’s because of the uniqueness of my life that it isn’t hard, and I don’t think that will ever be different.

I just have to find a way to keep my head above water.