Sunday September 25th 2016
Today would be a good day. There was nothing happening in the park, nothing at the Bandshell to bring the break dancers downstairs. It would be peaceful and quiet. I was sure of it. I did myself up for a Sunday prayformance, the best day of the week for us.
I was right. As we walked through Strawberry Fields, we passed Josh, Dan Rubin’s brother. He was coming to see us perform. Dan showed up too! Yay. We got to start early because Cover Story wouldn’t be there. It was quiet and peaceful for our full 2 hour performance! It seemed kind of slow at first, but we ended up doing really well. We packed up while talking with Dan and Josh. Marcela arrived and began singing. She came over to ask if we were finished before starting. Much better! I’m glad.
We took the L train to Lorimer St. and had dinner at Santos Anne. Long day. Long week. Glad it’s over, but so glad it was so successful!
Saturday September 24th 2016
I slept 12 hours too offset my jet lag. Despite still being tired, I got made up and we went out to prayform at the Angel Tunnel. We knew there would be a big concert in the park and were unsure if we’d be able to play at all. Doing our best and having no expectations is the best way to live life I’ve found. You’re never disappointed, always pleasantly surprised. I’m not entitled to anything. When we get to prayform and have a successful day, it is a blessing. It is never a given!
Sarah Kernochan said she’d stop by at the beginning to see us. That was motivation enough to go out. When the time rolled around, there she was, hugging me as we stretched on the pillars. She watched three songs “Anya” “Esh” and Ee-ay” and then left. She’s treating us to dinner on Thursday, so we’ll have more time to talk then.
People were super complimentary of my makeup and of our music. An Irish woman was adoring us. She waited for us to start and then bought a CD. “It’s magical what you do.” she said. I love when people call me or our music or what we do magical. That’s a great compliment. Just what I’m going for!
We played for less than an hour, being tired from flying all day yesterday, plus the concert started up. The opera singer girl, Marcela, arrived as well and asked if she could sing. She actually apologized for setting up on us on Sunday. It was a big misunderstanding actually. We packed up and left the tunnel with Dan.
Our friend Mega Flash was upstairs so we said hello. He told us that he told Marcela to talk to Thoth. “You have to respect that man. He’s been here longer than any of us.” he said, referring to Thoth. Damn right. Of any person I know, Thoth deserves peoples respect!
Friday December 18th 2015
I’ve been so excited to share the video I made today! It was really fun to make! I wanted to try using ambient music, movement and words together to make something creative and inspiring. I’m really getting into and enjoying making Youtube videos! I just wish there was more time in the day! It takes so many hours to get ready, film it and most of all edit and post it. I’m getting used to it, but sometimes I make mistakes which I have to fix and then upload again. It’s great for me though because I have to learn what the problem is and fix it. Today, for example, the audio got all screwed up when I uploaded it to Youtube, so I rerecorded the audio on the camera and fixed it. I’m proud of myself when I don’t give up on something that is hard. I have no idea how I’m going to consistently get more than 50 views per video, but I am so incredibly grateful for every view, for every comment and for every like. I guess you gotta start somewhere! Doing anything well takes SO much effort and hard work, but when you finally find success you can know that you worked really hard for it. It inspires me to think that more people can know about me and what we’re doing through my videos.
Monday December 14th 2014
This morning Thoth got in bed with me, wrapped me in a blanket next to him and cuddled with me. He began rocking me back and forth. “Rock a-bye baby.” he said. Oh. My. God. So cute!
A friend wrote on my blog yesterday mentioning that a Butoh influenced dance group was giving a class today in SF. I remembered the word and looked it up. I had seen a few videos of this dance style in the past and didn’t like it. A woman standing on stage shaking with her eyes rolled back in her head seemed too one dimensional and simplistic to me. I looked up a documentary about it and found that it’s much more than that. I actually like it! It’s a style of Japanese dance created after WW2. I don’t really see it as dance though. More a type of theatrical expression. They’re not dancing like ballerinas dance, they’re expressing something deep and unconscious from inside themselves.
It made me look into how I prayform. I tend to make pleasant expressions with my face, body and voice when I’m performing. I never make ugly expressions, like gritting my teeth or sticking out my tongue or singing in a growly voice. I have a fear of looking like I’m crazy or scaring people. Thoth has tried to teach me to use a lot of different expressions instead of one expression all the time. For example, he will sing in his beautiful high voice, then start growling, then sing in his baritone voice. He always has different expressions on his face. To some people it may look crazy. It never did to me. I always saw it as him telling a story.
I do have a desire to break out of this “pretty girl” image, but I like it, too. I like being etherial and doll like, but I want to be scary and dangerous, too. I used to be more wild in my expression. I had an experience years ago where I was singing to a little girl and she ran away crying. It scared me. I love being beautiful, but there is this need inside me to not be sometimes. It encourages me that a dance style like Butoh exists. Something that is so dark, confusing, disturbing, and downright terrifying in it’s looks is embraced by a lot of creative people.
One comment under the Butoh video wrote, “Anyone can do Butoh if they’re on enough hallucinogens.” People write that kind of thing about us under videos sometimes. “What kind of drugs are they on?” or “They must be incredibly high!” It’s interesting people equate full expression with being on drugs. Maybe I will start exploring my wild self again in prayformance. It’s an exciting thought! I can always change. That’s the beauty of prayformance. I can be whatever I want. It’s interesting how we trap ourselves in these identities. I am a blank canvas. I want to always grow and change and challenge myself. I can be whatever I want, and prayformance is the perfect medium to do so. I want try out new pieces and work on being more intense at our house concert at John’s house this Saturday.
I had a wonderful talk on the phone with my old acting teacher Andrew Kimbrough. He was sitting outside watching his kids playing. I could hear them over the phone. Occasionally he called to them to be careful or something. I haven’t seen him in 7 years. He asked me how it was to be married. “I love it.” I said. I told him Thoth feels closer to me since our marriage, as if he feels more comfortable that we have made it official. He calls me sweet names more often and is more affectionate. It’s not something anyone else would notice accept me. Andrew is part a little group of people who get me. We were talking about how the world needs artists, despite that we misunderstand them. “We need you.” he said. It was so sweet. “I’m always rooting for you.” He’s really in my corner. I said I’d love to see him again someday, but I have no idea how we’d get to Stillwater. He said he’d like to be in a more urban area on the East coast. “In a few years we’ll be in a place where we can host you. You guys can come stay with us and we’ll have fun.” he said. That will be so nice! He even said, “I love you” before he got off the phone. It made me so happy.
I first met him when I auditioned for The Tempest my freshman year in college. He was an amazing director. He encouraged me to write my first songs, which I got to sing in the play. My friend Will came and said I stole the show. Andrew was the first to introduce me to Meredith Monk, an artist who still influences me to this day. Her opera “Atlas” had a lot of influence the opera we just recorded yesterday. It was Andrew who gave me the motivation I needed to move to New York. He is the only person besides Will I keep in touch with from back then. He and I really connected. I was a young artist, hungry for someone to guide and direct me. He was a teacher looking for students who were passionate about learning. I’ll never forget when he helped me with my audition material for Circle in the Square Theatre School. He was the reason I got in and was able to move to New York (and eventually meet Thoth.) I am so lucky to have a group of people from all over the world who really love me and are in my corner. I could name names, but I’d leave people out!