Friday August 12th 2016
Much better day today. It didn’t rain. We made a good choice and got ourselves out of the house for most of the day, from around 11:30am until about 5pm. Wim and Marja were at their studio until after dinnertime. We wandered around, had lunch, and then continued walking. Thoth kept me away from the house and away from my stress and obsession with finding us a place to live in NYC. It was a wonderful day. The kind of day that will stay with us a long time.
Thursday August 11th 2016
A dark day, in more ways than one. It was raining and cold all day long and we didn’t leave the house. I was stressed the entire day about finding a place to live in NYC I could barely handle it. I looked and looked, but people don’t even write back. I was so obsessed with it I felt like I would be sick. That’s what I do to myself. I get so obsessed with something I don’t have much control over, I make myself crazy. It’s a strong trait of mine, but it also is a weakness that can hurt me. It’s the reason a lot of things have happened in my life. It’s how I got Thoth and am living the life I live, but it’s also how I scare people away.
We went downstairs at night to have dinner with Wim and Marja. It was delicious, I was still depressed and frustrated about us finding a place. Wim gave me some major perspective. He reminded me how we went to Europe the first time and I wasn’t scared. We barely had any money, we had no friends or contacts, just us and our faith in our music, and it all worked out. He asked if I would have done it any differently. Even though it was as times immensely painful and frighting and a total unplanned crap shot, no I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t because what ended up happening. I am a happily married woman to that same man I began traveling so innocently and fearlessly all those years ago. If I wasn’t brave and I didn’t make such a crazy choice, my life wouldn’t be what it is now. So, I have to take risks and be brave. If we don’t have a place in NYC now, I have to have faith we will when we need it. We flew to f**king Marrakech with nowhere to live and survived there with no money for almost two months, we can survive in NYC now with years of experience, a few good friends, our beautiful work and faith. It’s not going to go exactly as I want, but nothing does. Thanks Wim.
We still don’t have a place in NYC for September-November. Fingers crossed.