Sunday February 19th 2017
I wake every morning from around 8am (9am the last few days) and work on my play until noon. I can only write about one page before my mind starts to get soggy. The idea to create something is much smaller than the actual task of creating it. I came up with the idea for this play while we were in Nashville over Christmas and I’m now finally getting to writing it, after backstory writing and plot creation. I can’t imagine writing or creating something that takes years and years to create. Well, that’s kind of what prayformance is. A lifelong creative project. I don’t see it as a project though. Prayformance is my life. A lifelong creative process lets call it. As my life is.
I’m having fun trying different kinds of makeup and costumes. I can mix black makeup and a light costume/black makeup and a black costume/light makeup with a black costume/light makeup and a light costume. It gives me more things to work with. A larger pallet. I used to only wear light makeup and light clothes, which gave me a certain look. Wearing dark makeup or dark clothes adds something different, and always wearing anything black makes my light hair pop out.
Today’s prayformance was so much better than yesterday’s rainy day prayformance. Seven people came to see us at Balboa Park. Bob, the sweet homeless man who’s come to see us for a while now, Bill, our cheerleader, Tori, our sweet, amazing supporter (who loves to draw us), Pascual, our shy, gentle protector, Sister Ida and Sister Yeshe, our dear friends and Skylar, a girl who was filming us for a documentary she’s for school. All are friends we cherish. As I’ve said before, it makes all the difference when people come to support us. Skylar discovered us last night and asked if she could film us for a documentary. I said yes and she wrote the questions last night and drove and hour from school to film us today. Amazing. Who does that? Who actually does what they say they’re going to do? No one. And she’s just a college student. 25 years old! Amazing. She filmed us all afternoon. I gave Pascual the camera to film several songs. Our improv was super cool. We did a funky part. I’m glad we got it on film! Someday this stuff will be legendary. It already is. We had a lot of fun today. No fear. Just fun singing and playing. Skylar will come to film interview questions tomorrow before we play. We’re going out tomorrow because it’s a holiday. We haven’t been playing enough. That’s February for you. My birthday is on Sunday!
Haven’t been sleeping well the last few night and thus haven’t had a lot of energy. Also have been working on my play a lot, which takes away most of my brain power. Sometimes I get super focused on one thing and don’t do the other things for a while (like blog). I did draw a sketch of my new character from my new story. He’s called Fray. I’ll show you, eventually.
I’m doing as many things as I can these days. I’m doing work on my play in the mornings, writing, editing and posting vlogs for both my channel and our channel, writing blogs every day, all while prayforming five days in a row this week! Haven’t been drawing for a little while. Didn’t have enough time. I need to start reading another book.
Whenever I get pulled away from being creative (or I think what I’m doing is worthless in the great scheme of things) I get sad and depressed. Creativity is what gets me up every morning and keeps me going every day. It’s so easy to get pulled away from it in this day and age. My desire is to always be creative, as much as I possibly can. That is the most important thing to me. I feel like sh*t if I’m not creative even just one day. (I’m great at giving myself a hard time for it. 🙂
We played 5 days this week in Balboa Park. We missed playing last Sunday because it was supposed to rain, so instead we went out Wednesday through Sunday this week. Tori came almost every day, Ali came on Friday, Bill came Friday and Saturday and a few other people came on the weekend, including Pascual, Tori’s fiance Michael and Tori’s mother. That’s what makes playing in Balboa Park truly meaningful and fun for me. We always have people watching us. People say such incredible things. I realize I do give myself such a hard time when I’m playing, but I also know I am very talented. I want to do so many things, but it takes a long time to do them. I can only work on my play for so long in a day.
Playing five days anywhere is actually too much for us. We should only play four. Some people have it worse, I know. Five days of going back and forth to a job they hate, but the work we put in is equal to, if not more work than people put in with regular jobs. The reason is because all the motivation and will to do it must come from ourselves alone. There is no one expecting us to play (accept our most dedicated fans who come) and they’re not going to fire us or anything if we didn’t show up. Our life is built entirely on self motivation. The will to do it just the two of us with zero outside motivation. I have no idea how Thoth did it by himself for all those years alone. No f**king clue. I honestly think I would never be able to do this alone.
I believe life is all about doing things by yourself. I’ve found nothing happens if you just sit around waiting for other people to do it for you, or work for other people. That’s what our society is built on, working for others. Our life is about working for ourselves, doing what we want to do. It can be challenging as sometimes self motivation dries up or we get tired or depressed and then we’re kicking ourselves for not doing as much work as we wanted (as both Thoth and I do). There’s only so much we can do in one day, especially on days when we prayform. That takes a lot out of us. I feel like I’ve done good work in a day when I get up early and write for a few hours, write in my diary, draw a little, prayform, eat, edit a vlog and write a blog. That’s enough for me for one day. On days off I feel fantastic when I get a good sketch done, a part of the plot to my story figured out, etc. If that doesn’t happen, we’ll take a nice bike ride to get our minds off things.
We went out to have take out sushi and Chinese food on Saturday night and on Sunday night we went out for burgers. It’s wonderful to not have to worry about what we’re going to eat after we play. We have tons of options. The restaurants around here are fantastic, and there’s tons of places within a block of where we’re staying. It’s such a nice treat for us. In the six winters past when we stayed on Adams Avenue, we didn’t have any options. It was very frustrating. We were trapped. We’re not trapped here in downtown San Diego. We can get anywhere easily. It’s like we’re being rewarded for all our hard work in the years past. San Diego used to be the place we hibernated. Now we can have fun, finally. It’s not that we didn’t have fun in the years past, but we’re having more fun now than ever before. We need to be in the city.
We’re doing these beautiful improvisations during and after prayformance every day. I film the ones we do at the end of prayformance and put the light on us. I think it’s beautiful.
Friday January 27th 2017
I know what my dream is. I know what my goal is. I know what I want to do. I want to bring people to work with us!
We’d have our best friend as our drummer, my favorite actor would be our narrator, and we’d need a bassist/keyboard player. Also, if money wasn’t a concern, we would have a string quartet and a small choir, with sets, lights and costumes too. This would all be in a beautiful theater space made to our specifications. All that extra stuff isn’t as necessary as the core members. This is my dream. To do a show with other artists I love. That is my goal. This is what I want more than anything. Not just one or two shows either, but to perform with these other artists in a sustainable, worldwide tour. That’s the thing success brings, the ability to hire the people you need to make what you do as beautiful as you can imagine it to be, and all the best artists want to work with you. That is what we’re missing. The ability to hire people and work with other artists under Tribal Baroque. To increase our work in a way we alone can not. Thoth and I can only do what we can do.
Today’s prayformance was magic. We’re doing so many wonderful improvisational pieces, each of which are unique and beautiful. I played two solos today too. After the first one, Thoth said it was the best one I had done. I filmed the entire thing and put it on the vlog.
It helped a lot that Ali, Bill and Tori came to see us today. Ali and Bill applaud loudly, very loudly. They both love us in a way that is astounding to me. I realize I am very doubtful and critical of myself during prayformance. I don’t believe people are really that interested in me. I give myself a hard time. I need to stop that. It’s not that I don’t have confidence, I just judge myself a lot when I’m performing in public. I worry I’m boring people. All artist feel that way, even the greatest ones. I wonder why that happens. I feel we are worthy of a much bigger audience for our work, yet when I play I sometimes fear I am boring and uninteresting, especially when I don’t gather crowds for my solos. I’m very genuine in prayformance, and here on my blog and on the vlog. I know I’m interesting and I live an interesting life and make beautiful music with my hubby Bunny. Why do I do that to myself? I wish I could see myself as our fans see me. People probably see me in the way I saw Thoth when I first saw him prayfom in the Angel Tunnel in 2008, and he was probably thinking all the same things I think now. He thinks he scares people, but he probably does. I’m not boring anyone. I’M F***ING AMAZING !! It’s actually hard to see yourself as the beautiful amazing talent you are. It’s easy to sound egotistical. Artist need to be humble, but confident they in their amazing-ness. Tribal Baroque is one of the most unique creative acts in the world and I have one of the most beautiful voices of my generation. See? Writing that feels like I’m being full of myself, but it is my truth. It’s what keeps me going. Someone just wrote “I think it is holy, what you do.” on our vlog channel. All the comments we get are positive to the point of being absolutely jaw dropping. People do love our work. The trick is how to we harness the work we do to reach as many of those people as we can, instead of just being street performers for the rest of our lives?
Having three very supportive people there showing their love and support is so helpful to us. It means that even if a bunch of other people aren’t watching, we still have a built in audience. I’m so grateful to those people. Being an artist and being successful is tricky. No one can tell us what is best for us becides ourselves. I’m working hard on my new story/play. Who knows where it will go or what use it will have for us. All I can do is dream and work and believe. Keep dreaming and working and creating and going out in the world and sharing and believing in myself. My dream will happen if I just keep trying my very best to do what I can to be as creative and expressive as I can. Sometimes I think it is our destiny to be famous and successful. Sometimes that feels far off and away from us. Sometimes I know beyond the shadow of a doubt all my dreams will come true. I started early enough. I started doing creative work at 20. I’ll have been doing it for 10 years by the time I’m 30. That’s got to count for something. All we need is things to fall in place so we can expand in the way my mind and my heart knows only we can.
I HAVE A DREAM FOR SOMETHING SO MUCH BIGGER THAN WHAT WE’RE DOING NOW, AND WE’RE DOING SOMETHING BIG ALREADY. SOMETHING THAT IMPACTS THE WORLD IN WAYS I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE. I NEED TO BE PATIENT. I NEED TO KEEP WORKING AND WAIT FOR IT TO ALL FALL INTO PLACE. I NEED TO PUT MY DREAMS OUT INTO THE WORLD AND ALLOW THEM TO HAPPEN AS THEY WILL. THAT’S THE SECRET. I KNOW PEOPLE WILL LOVE IT. I KNOW PEOPLE WILL GATHER AROUND IT AND HELP IT TO BE BIGGER THAN WE COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE. IT WILL HAPPEN. I HAVE TO LET GO. GIVE IT UP TO THE THE UNIVERSE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. I AM DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. I AM FOLLOWING MY DEEPEST HEART. I KNOW ALL THE PEOPLE. THE RIGHT THING HAS TO HAPPEN TO BRING US ALL TOGETHER. WE ARE DOING WHAT WE NEED TO IN ORDER TO KEEP CREATING WHILE WE WAIT FOR IT TO HAPPEN. THE MAGIC WAS ME MEETING ALL THE PEOPLE I’VE MET ALREADY, NAMELY THOTH, AND US BEING ABLE TO SUSTAIN OURSELVES IN THIS SIMPLE, CREATIVE LIFESTYLE TOGETHER. I KNOW MIRACLES ARE POSSIBLE, BECAUSE MY LIFE AND MY THOTH AND HIS LOVE FOR ME AND THE WORK WE DO IS A MIRACLE ALREADY. OTHER MIRACLES ARE COMING. JUST WAIT.