Monday October 24th 2016
I woke up and Thoth was in a very bad mood. We both know no one cares about our work, accept our few close friends, and that destroys us sometimes. Don’t say it, that more people love us than we think or that we affect people more than we know. If it was true, we’d have more support, instead of it just being us two alone most of the time.
We went to have lunch at Sushi and Noodles. We went there on Saturday when we took the day off (threat of rain all day on the weather radar, but no rain actually happened.) Lunch was really good, but Thoth was sad and bitchy. I don’t like when he gets like that, but I sympathize deeply with his feelings of isolation from the world. We are not part of anything. We are a tribe of two. Only our friends, who we see rarely see, make us feel less alone. I got grumpy, too because Thoth was so sad.
I decided to go to 23rd St. to get things to make a crown. Thoth went into a secondhand store to look for a skirt. I’d meet him at home later. I got a bunch of jewels and wire for my crown, got an electric razor for Thoth from the beauty store, got some frozen fruit at Trader Joe’s and went home. I’m happy we can buy what we need and want without needing to ask anyone for help. I lived here in New York end of 2008 to 2009 without any money all alone and it was horrible. It was magical, too, but so lonely and full of longing for Thoth. (I’m working on the book of our life.) I wish I’d been blogging and vlogging back then. Imagine! That’s why I keep at it.
When I got home, Bunny took a nap next to me while I opened and organized my jewels. It took me 6 hours to make the crown, but I loved how it turned out!
Thursday October 6th 2016
I was so discouraged today. Didn’t want to go out to play at all. I was depressed. Started thinking about Martha’s Vineyard and how much I miss it. We will probably never go there again and I don’t know why. I loved Martha’s Vineyard. We were so supported there. I wish we had more of that. I was hoping we’d do a show once a year in Martha’s Vineyard, but that’s not happening. Not one person who saw the shows liked us enough to bring us back. It depresses me a lot when I think about it.
The park seemed busy and quiet. Three people were waiting for us to begin. One woman sat on a pillar. She had unicorn hair, like me. She had seen us last week, went to our website, read my blog and listened to all of our music. Her name was Rachael. I love that. Such a rare thing. No one has said anything about my blog for months. It’s hard to keep going when no one seems to care. It takes every fiber of our being to do what we do. It’s so easy for someone to write something, say something, throw us a dollar. The least anyone can do is show a little support.
Rachael sat and watched our entire prayformance. It helped to have one person witnessing us. We got through an hour and 40 minutes and I just couldn’t perform anymore. It wasn’t as bad as yesterday, but it was still slow. Rachael knelt and spoke with us while we packed up. The amplified trio started playing. Whenever we hear them, we get sad. I called the park rangers, but who knows if they would come. We walked to the train, got salads for dinner and went home.
Wednesday October 5th 2016
Today was tough. I wasn’t very inspired to get up and got out to play, but I did. I did very simple makeup and hair, but I felt beautiful. That’s all that matters.Dan Rubin came and Cover Story was performing. They hadn’t been at the tunnel for a week. We missed them! They said hello to us. They had a big crowd and it was quiet, so we thought we’d have a great day. Not so much.
We had big crowds but that was it. Generosity? Clapping? Not so much. The entire two hours, the same. A big crowd would gather, they’d clap tentatively, then no one (or maybe just one or two people) would come forward and they’d all just stand there staring at us. No one said anything to us. It was especially hard after seeing a sold out show where people were laughing and cheering and clapping emphatically the night before. We are alone, especially when things get hard. Our frustrations, our bad days aren’t very important to anyone.
I know. Boo hoo, poor me! I’m a world traveling musician who makes a living singing, only two hours a day. Easy you’d say. The truth is, it’s not! We’re struggling every day to get up and do it by ourselves. It is our choice to do it. That’s why no one else in the world does what we do. It’s too hard! I do wish it wasn’t such a lonely path. At least I have my Bunny. Being yourself requires trudging along through life alone. The fact I found someone to be at my side is incredible. We are alone, together, fighting the constant and daily uphill battle to make our art in this unfair and unjust world.
The fact we’re still doing it, that Thoth has been doing this for half his life is staggering. No matter how many great days we have, the days always get hard again. That’s life. We treated ourselves to salads and doughnuts for dessert.
Monday October 3rd 2016 and Tuesday October 4th 2016
So Monday and Tuesday (our days off) were pretty chill. On Monday we went to see a movie on 23rd St. and got a sandwich, doughnuts (at the best doughnut shop in NYC, Doughnut Plant) and ate our (free) leftovers from Sunday night at home. For how little I eat, I f’ing LOVE food!
On Tuesday we stayed in the house all day until time to go see “Falsettos” on Broadway. Sarah Kernochan, James Lapine’s wife, got us free tickets in the orchestra. (James is the director and book writer of the show.) We got there early and got a juice to tide us over for dinner. Picked up our tickets at the box office and went in.
Someone tapped me on the shoulder. It was James. I got up and hugged him. Such an awesome guy. We haven’t seen him since our opera commission last August in Martha’s Vineyard. He’s one of those people I love and admire a lot yet hardly ever see, like my other friend James, from England.
The first act was hysterical. The second act was more serious. I liked the first act more. James talked to us a little when the show was over. The show is in previews so he has to be there to watch it and give notes at the end. Stressful. We walked to 41st St. to have burgers for dinner. It was past midnight when we got home.
Thursday August 4th 2016
We went to Wim and Marja’s art studio today. It was 45 minutes from Amsterdam. They made it so cool looking. I asked Marja lots of questions about her new art pieces. I love her artwork, and Wim’s. They’re both so WIM-sical. Hardy har har. Marja’s art is so colorful. I love colors. 🙂
We spent the afternoon exploring their studio and working on music. I’m documenting the process, but I don’t want to share it until closer to when the album comes out, or afterwards. I don’t want to give away too much. We’re working with electronic loops and are thinking of making a concept album, maybe with the story I wrote for Ee-ay’La, or maybe something totally different. We just create and we’ll see how it goes. We’ll have plenty of time in Nashville in December to work on it at our leisure. I’m really excited about it, and feeling very happy and inspired. I am happy to be happy here because last year I was just stressed about the opera commission, which I thought was going to do something magical for us. With this new album project, whatever happens, there’s no stress or money or expectation involved, and it will be beautiful and fun no matter what. Actually, making Esh and Ee-ay was not fun, it was just really stressful and hard. The pressure was really too much for me, even when we made the concept album with Michael and Rhan in Oakland in December 2014. Too stressful. I was convinced we were wasting everyone’s time and a lot of our money, but it ended up being an album and a show I am so proud of making, but this one will be completely different. Different from all our other albums, and I have no idea what that means. It’s a fun thing to work on. I love creating music when there is no pressure. Having pressure is great for getting it done, but this way is more fun.
Anyway, Wim wants us to perform at the studio with his art next Sunday and invite a few friends over. We did that last year and it was really fun. I can’t believe it was a year ago. It feels like yesterday. Last year I didn’t enjoy Amsterdam at all because I was too stressed about the commission. We went home around 5 and continued working on music until time for dinner. Thoth made us salmon sandwiches and leftover chicken risotto. It’s SOO nice to have home cooked meals again.
Here’s my vlog:
Wednesday August 3rd 2016
Our first day in Amsterdam. I slept like a baby from 11pm until 11am. I was SO tired!! I spent the day editing the travel vlogs, then we took a walk to the grocery store to get food for dinner. Thoth would make chicken risotto for everyone. Yummy!
We came home and worked on music. We’re writing a new album in December. Practicing in this way is more fun for me. Thoth is using Reason to make loops in different keys so I can get comfortable with them. I hope to God we have a safe place to live in New York for the Fall so we can work in peace and play in the park, but I’m not worrying about it. Everything always works out for us. Wim and Marja asked if we’d like to go to their art studio tomorrow. We said yes, and asked if they’d like to come to the festival in Ruigoord on Wednesday next week. We were invited to play there. A few years have gone by they’ve wanted us to play there and we’ve not been in town. It worked out this year.
Thoth went downstairs to cook and I sat with him and we talked about our lifestyle and how sustainable it is. It’s a great life to live. Sometimes we work, sometimes we rest, but we are always being creative and we are always free and everything is always changing. We’re at home wherever we are.
Here’s my vlog from our first day in Amsterdam if you haven’t seen it yet.
Thursday August 21st 2014
“Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist.”
―Ralph Waldo Emerson
Here are some things I’ve done that have helped me embrace my own creative path.
♥ Immersing myself in fantasy and dreams as much as possible.
I really believe fantasy life is where we become immensely creative. Imagine the life you want, and eventually it will come true, but maybe not in the way you expected. I developed a unique musical taste from a very young age and spent a lot of my time immersing myself in it. Classical music, opera, Cirque Du Soleil, Steely Dan… I spent a lot of time fantasizing in my room. I’d dance or sing to music, imaging myself to be on a stage or in a fantastical environment. I also spent a lot of time acting as other characters. I have an immensely complex fantasy life. Life is never as creative and beautiful as your imagination. It helps me to retreat into it when life gets hard. My imagination and dreamscape gives me strength and perseverance. It will eventually manifest itself in real life, as it has for me in prayformance.
♥ Not following the crowd.
I’ve always followed my own heart. I never followed fashion or music trends. I did what I wanted. I wore the most outrageous outfits to my regular high school. I was an outcast and misunderstood for it, but I don’t regret any of it.
♥ Changing my name.
I’ve changed my name many times. I was born Caity, changed it to Joe in high school, then Zoe, then Pink Angel in NYC, and finally Lila’Angelique. Each of these names dictated a particular creative time in my life. When I was Joe, I was boyish. When I was Zoe, I was obsessed with Cirque Du Soleil, when I was Pink Angel, I was learning to be a busker, and when I became Lila’Angelique, I’d developed my creative persona. I may change it again someday. Who knows. Choosing my own names gives me permission to be exactly who I want to be.
♥ Not listening to the radio or popular music.
I completely stopped listening to pop music a few years ago. I believe it kills brain cells and makes us into robots. You can never find your unique voice if you’re always listening to the next popular thing. It used to make me feel small and insignificant and it was impossible to embrace my own creative process.
♥ Limiting the use of my iPod.
One of the first things Thoth recommended me doing was to refrain from listening to my iPod constantly. I wasn’t giving myself time to create my own melodies. It really helped me focus more on my inner self.
♥ Not worrying about what other people think.
Over the years, I’ve been judged a lot on my blog. I used to be so concerned with making everyone like me that I would delete posts and give up on blogging for months, or a year at a time. I’ve realized that not everyone is going to like me, and that’s ok. I can still be myself.
♥ Accepting my imperfections.
I know well I am not perfect. None of us are. I am greedy and selfish at times, I have been rude to people, and I have been hypocritical. That doesn’t mean I don’t I deserve love, acceptance and understanding.
♥ Not comparing myself to others.
This is a difficult one. I’ve distanced myself from the mainstream so I can focus on my own personal creative growth. It has really helped.
♥ Becoming creatively self-motivated.
Over the years, I have learned to motivate myself from the inside out. When I’m not prayforming, I try focusing on creative projects like writing or drawing. That helps keep the blues away.
♥ Having no regrets.
When you follow your own path, you will be judged, shunned, excluded and feel lonely sometimes. In the end, that is the only way to become your true creative self. No regrets!