Today I realized something: W H A T W E D O I S R E A L L Y F ‘ I N G W E I R D . I mean, we’re singing incredibly loudly and operatically in a public hallway in a public park while playing violin, dancing and acting, all in a made up language. It was the first time we played in over a month. Well, we played a show in Huntsville on the 21st of December, but that was different. Playing in public is actually really scary and weird! We’re singing full out for a bunch of strangers. It feels like I haven’t played in a century. I also feel like I have explored some things while taking time off that, though I’m scared to, I want to share in public. My own things. I wonder what these next 4 months will do creatively for me. I feel like I want to burst out. I felt vulnerable today. Tori came to see us and she was saying all these wonderful things about our work and how brave we are. I didn’t feel as brave today. I realize how brave we are to do what we do. I usually don’t think about it. It’s second nature to me. Today, it was as if I was seeing myself from the perspective of the audience. Shocked at what I am doing. Confused and befuddled. How did my life become this? I sing my own music in public parks for a living all over the world with a man who adores me….?! How did this happen? Am I living a dream or something?
Our music is immensely simple, yet very raw and emotional. I think because it is simple we can project a lot more emotion though it. It is simpler to me than it is to people watching us. We make it look easy. I’ve been doing it for 8 years, so it’s second nature to me. I don’t think I’m playing violin and singing usually, but today I was very aware of how unusual it is. No one does what we do in the whole world. That’s how unique it is. No one does it but us. I have been halfway around the world and have not seen anything like it. That’s what causes our life to be what it is, for me to feel the things I feel. Because I haven’t done what we do in a month, I see it in a different way. We may be insignificant in the world, but what we do is important. If we stopped, people would notice, and they would miss us. People to love what we do. I am humble about it. I just have to keep my nose to the grindstone and keep making, keep doing things. I don’t know what kinds of things, but THINGS, as friend of mine said, as many things as I can.
I am working hard on my new play. It is frustrating as hell. I work on it first thing when I get up, after writing a page of long hand. I wasn’t able to work on it as much today as I’d like, as I had to focus on something trivial and obnoxious, but important. All I want to do is be creative. I hate doing anything else. I don’t usually have to. I’m spoiled, but I worked hard to have a life dedicated to creativity. We keep things in our lives to a minimum in order to live like monks, dedicated to art and creativity. It’s our whole lives.
I am so ready to start working on and playing new music. I feel the urge. I feel the need to try something new with my performance. I know by the end of these 4 months something amazing will happen. I will be performing in a way I can’t imagine now. My style will change. We’ll meet new friends. Get to know the friends we have better. Perform new music. Get more of my play figured out. Figure out the story for the new opera. So many things I want to do! I’m happy to say I have more personal projects I’m working on then ever before. Also my drawings, my personal vlog channel and my blog. Lots of ways to express my creativity. It’s hard to stay focused when we come home after prayformance. I’m glad I’m getting up early so I can work on things for a few hours before going to play. It’s a full day of creativity for both of us.
I can be very scared, especially when we first settle in a new place. We have to trust that everything will work out. Even though it usually always does, I think something bad will happen. I prepare for that every day. I expect the worse, so when the best happens, I’m always surprised. My lifestyle is about learning to have faith in our work, in other people’s generosity and in the universe. We truly live life not knowing what each day will bring. Most people situate themselves in a position of safety. We feel safe, then we leave and settle in somewhere totally different. We’re creatures of change. We adapt to whatever we need to adapt to in order to be as creative as we possibly can be at all times. No matter where we are, and we get better at it every time we travel. Our life is hard. No stability, but it’s good for our minds and hearts to not be able to get too settled or too comfortable. We always have to problem solve and be creative in how we are creative and productive in our lifestyle. We’ve found a way that works. Maybe we can’t do it forever, but we’ll do it until we find another way to do it better. We are very blessed. Hard work pays off. Focus on something for a long time and good things will happen.
Sunday March 13th 2016
Hey! This Sunday was a slow one. Not many people gathering (even though my idea of “not many people” is a lot more than most people’s idea of it.) I think days like this are hard because I don’t mean they’re aren’t lots of people watching us, I mean for the amount of people that are watching, they’re not as generous as they should be. WTF is going through people’s minds, I will never know. We’re giving free, beautiful, original art to people. It’s mind boggling. And no, it’s not that they don’t know what to do. There’s a sign that says, “Donations appreciated.” I have to not let it bother me, and I really did my best not to today. When I write about it, I don’t want it to seem that people’s generosity is the only thing I care about, but it definitely helps us and makes things better.
That’s why sometimes I don’t see the audience as my friends. Most people just take what we do and walk away with a beautiful experience, without giving anything back. I guess they think because they don’t have to give, they won’t. That’s kind of insulting though. I wonder if anyone feels guilty when they go home and remember how they didn’t support something so beautiful. We survive on people’s generosity and kindness. We work so hard to remain independent and free to all people, but we can only do that with the public’s continued support. I wonder if our audience realizes that any one of them can make our day by doing something good for us, just as we are doing good for them. We are so grateful to all the people who love and support us. That’s why our friends are so important to us. They are the ones who truly love, support and help us with their love, admiration and care. That’s why I’m so passionate when it comes to being myself and not have to kiss people’s asses. We are worthy of people’s support. What we do is amazing. It deserves to be hear and seen an appreciated. Period.
I was looking at photos of us on Instagram the other day (#tribalbaroque) and got some amazing perspective on what we’re doing. It’s incredible how much I’ve accomplished with Thoth in the past 7 years. I’ve grown as a performer, a singer, a dancer, an artist, a costume designer, a makeup artist… so much! It’s amazing to look back at it. I can’t imagine what other people think about what I’ve done, namely my family and people who knew me before I started doing this. I got out of my hometown, (as I always knew I would) moved to New York and started creating Tribal Baroque from the ground up when I was 21. Now I’m 28 and we have a beautiful music video of an original song, we’ve been traveling across Europe and the USA for 7 years! We even have a fucking documentary in the works and this summer it will be our 4th time going to Europe on our own dime. We’ve released 5 original albums, wrote an opera and are in the process of writing another one. We’ve developed friends and contacts with people all over the world to the point that we have access to a place to stay in Amsterdam, London, Lisbon, San Francisco, Oakland and San Diego. If we ever find a safe place to live in New York, that will be another milestone. I have so many dreams for our work, and I know we can do anything we set our minds to! I also know we will never give up, and no one can ever stop us.
We sang our butts off today, as usual and a few people were super supportive, especially this one guy in the video below. He loved us.
I love when people say the things I know are true. I realize why it’s so important to vlog about our days, because we have documented proof people love us in Balboa Park, and the Angel Tunnel in Central Park and the parking garage in Lisbon. No one can say “Well no one likes you.” or the parks couldn’t say people aren’t enjoying our presence here. We should be fucking promoted by the parks we perform in. They’re lucky we perform in their spaces for free. Some day everyone will truly know and understand that. Some people know that, like the guy above and our close friends and fans who love and appreciate what we do.
I made a feisty vlog about two questions I really hate getting asked. I like making feisty vlogs. It’s different than making feisty blogs, like today’s is turing out to be. You can hear my vocal inflections and sarcasm more easily.
Thursday November 12th 2015This morning I did my makeup even though we weren’t sure if we’d go out. It was raining. Thankfully the rain stopped, so we went out to the park to play. A woman asked to take my picture. “Gorgeous.” she complimented.
There were no performers at the Angel Tunnel. The skies were dark and gloomy. For the first hour, it was quiet and not many people watching, but it got better as time passed. A man who had seen us two years prior clapped wildly after watching a few pieces. “Bravo! Incomparable! You made my day!” he said.
We had great audiences as the sun set. A couple from the Czech Republic was walking past as we were playing “Pentagram.” They slowed down and watched the rest of the piece. They then moved forward to watch “Heaven Scent.” When we finished, they didn’t have the words to express how they felt, but they clearly were enthralled. I love when we surprise people!