Tag Archives: artists

Protected: Letting Go of What Is, Opening to my Dreams of What Can Be

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Protected: Finally Something Exciting Happened!!!!

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Thursday January 19th 2017

I just finished my first diary in 10 years. 160 pages in a month and a half. WTF. I’m gonna have lots of diaries by the end of the year. 🙂 That’s why I haven’t kept a physical one in so long. More sh*t to carry around. We went to play today. Thought it would rain, but it was sunny. We can’t stay home on a usual prayformance day when it’s sunny. We’re improvising a lot, as I wanted to. Thoth had more fun with it today. He was in a much better mood. My poor baby gets so emotionally inside out when the weather changes. He is such a sensitive soul. I love him so much.

Sometimes I feel so strong, other times I don’t feel strong at all. Today I felt strong. Today I had fun and believed in myself. I did yesterday, too, even though Thoth wasn’t doing well. I love trying new things. I love improvising. Prayformance, the act of doing it, our day leading up to it and after it, is so good for us. It gives us purpose and happiness, as nothing else does. Writing, drawing in the morning. Singing and breathing in the afternoon. Writing and drawing in the evening. It’s a perfect, all-day-creative day. Some days are more of a struggle. Some days I wonder why it has to feel so hard, other days I can’t believe how blessed we are. I love the freedom of our life. The spontaneity and the discipline of it. The humbleness and the giving of it. The raw and openness of it. The simplicity of it. Balboa Park is an easy and painless place we play for 4 months out of the year, especially right now living downtown. NYC is much harder. Lisbon is pretty painless too. It’s getting there that’s hard and where we live. We’re living in such a beautiful place now.

I’m loving the vlog these days. I love this video I made of us singing after prayformance today. I think it’s beautiful. I discovered if you play the video at different points in a few different tabs the harmonies are really pretty. I wish I had been vlogging this consistently when we first started traveling at the end of 2009. We have some random footage, but not of our time starving in Marrakech… or our week in depressing Athens or our fully paid trip to and performance in Madeira, or when Thoth danced on the ferry to Greece or our first trip to Amsterdam or our fully paid for trip to and performance in Sao Paulo for a festival, or our all night and all day drive from Texas to San Diego, or…… I need to write a book about our travels. I’ve been working on it over the years. There is footage of us playing in every city we’ve ever played in. If we got famous enough, it would be amazing if every video ever filmed of us (on people’s camera phones, etc.) were sent to us and we could make a documentary using their footage. That would be amazing.

I have so many dreams for the work we do. I believe in what we do. I believe creativity and art and imagination are the most important things we have.

Singing Through Sickness

Wednesday November 2nd 2016

I slept like a log. Didn’t do any makeup, accept some black around my eyes. I would be blowing my nose all day so any makeup would just rub off. Dan let me know he’d be coming to the park to see us. That would cheer us both up.

We had to get to the park from the east side today. Good we left early. Cover Story was there when we arrived, so was Dan. I put on my headdress and bells and we played. It was a great play for us today. My voice felt OK, but not perfect. I took breaks, letting Thoth do solos while I rested my voice. My voice felt much better than I was expecting, but I didn’t want to push it. We have 3 more days of prayformances until I can rest fully for 3 days (and my sister arrives!) I’ve learned how to sing when I’m sick. I won’t sing at all if I’m really sick, but if it’s just a light head cold I produce quiet, limited tones in a limited range and I’m fine. A woman watched us for a long time and was adoring us. She said some incredible things, as you can hear for yourself in the vlog above. Marcia came down at 5 and hugged us. “Lets not fight. Lets try and work together. I love you guys.” she said. That perked me up. We went to an Indian restaurant near home and I talked to my dear sister.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Photo by Dan Rubin.

Tuesday November 1st 2016

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I was full on sick today. At least I didn’t have a sore throat, only a blocked nose. I stayed in bed all day and watched “The Passion of the Christ.” Thoth brought me soup. He takes good care of me when I’m sick. I like to imagine Yeshua would be our champion and friend. I see Thoth and myself in him. He was an outcast like we are. Underappreciated for his gifts. He would have loved us and our music. I started feeling better in the evening. We wrote an apology to Marcia, which she accepted. I went out to get us sandwiches for dinner and redyed my hair. I felt much better.

Monday October 31st 2016

I was feeling the beginnings of a cold last night. I hoped to g-d it wasn’t. When I got up this morning, I knew I was getting sick. I did everything I could to combat it. Lemon, vitamin C, nasal cleanse, etc. It got more pronounced as the day went on. I managed to finish editing all this last weeks vlogs and blogs. We even when out to have sushi for lunch. In the evening, I bleached my roots and did some creepy makeup for Halloween. I had want to go down to check out the parade, but by the time my makeup was finished, I was full of snot and feeling really down.

We were both shocked and disappointed to realize how badly we did this week. We had worked so hard and been so expressive this week especially! It bummed me out to think I had expanded so much and it didn’t really make a difference. It doesn’t matter if I expand or not to anyone, accept for my own desire to do so. We don’t do better because we prayform better or are more expressive or creative. That’s why almost every street performer you see only plays a few songs and never does anything new. They don’t have to. We went out to Santos Anne for dinner. We were both low energy and sad.

Where Was Our Audience?

Wednesday October 26th 2016

I got up excited to try a new darker makeup look today, which I did. Thoth said I looked Gothic.

14877626_1304611286240179_1965718109_n 14825828_1304610189573622_432961630_n 14874836_1304610779573563_241804225_n 14877010_1304610616240246_599710624_nWe got to Central Park in the cold and to our surprise the Conservancy was setting up for their big fundraiser (which blocks the back of the Angel Tunnel where we play.) We knew that would negatively affect our week as the break dancers would come do their thing downstairs. Annoying, as always.

Cover Story finished as we got ready and Herman, one of the singers, came over to hug us and say hello. While we stretched he said, “Your eyes are mesmerizing.” It’s nice that someone at the tunnel likes us. Once we began, the Afrobats started up, playing their boom box quietly. I was sure our day was ruined, and I was right! It wasn’t just them, people didn’t clap while we played really at all or gathered– or tip us or anything. It was as if everyone was ignoring us, or worse, they were just deaf and blind to the beauty that was right in front of them.

On these days it’s especially hard because no one points out or even openly recognizes what’s going on. No one says, “Hey I’m sorry no one is clapping for you guys, you’re amazing, and to play while those assholes are doing their stupid show is incredible! They’re hacks. You guys are original and unique, and you don’t give up! Inspiring! Thank you!” No one says that. They don’t even notice, even though it’s happening right in front of them. A woman said something like that to us back in the summer of 2013 when the Afrobats were doing show after show and we weren’t stopping.

Not only didn’t most anyone clap or tip us today, they didn’t even watch us. It was pretty shitty. We’re doing the best we can and no one was even watching us. I know within myself that we’re doing something the world has never seen and when we’re dead everyone will wish they had supported us, the same as they wished they supported all the other great artists of the past. It actually felt amazing to sing full voice over the Afrobats show. We’re not trying to bother them, but we know how much it irritates them to hear us. They really do hate us for some reason. The other day Ravon (one of the two Afrobats) said “Hey homo!” to Thoth as we were passing by into the Angel Tunnel. They have a deep seated fear and disdain for us, and there is no way to talk to them. Maybe if someone else did, but they don’t listen to conflicting opinions. Well, no, they don’t hate us. What am I saying. They don’t even know us. How can they hate two people they don’t know. They hate something in themselves, their inability to be more free and open, and we threaten and frighten their masculine, ghetto street cred or something like that.

We played through it though, and got through it. Glad when it was over. Yuck. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain, so we can take a day off to recuperate. When we finished, Marcela set up her stuff and her boom box literally right on top of us. So rude. We had to drag all our stuff out of the way it was so loud. People clapped louder for her than they did for us all day. It was too painfully ironic for us. “We’re doing the best we can. Society is the way it is and we can’t change it. It’s just going to get worse. We can only change ourselves. We succeed by doing our work. Fuck everyone else. When we’re dead no one will care we did this work, but it will be great benefit to us karmically, spiritually, emotionally, and in every other way.” I said. It’s true.14800912_1304611506240157_1592994180_nThe thing that’s hard about a first prayformance day being bad is that I was so creative this weekend. I was in my own little world creating this headdress, and then having that lovely lunch with Marianne made me feel that much better. But then to go out in the world and see how little anyone cares what we do creatively is so hurtful. I won’t forget Marianne saying me writing about the bad days is even more inspiring than the good days, because it shows me as very human. I am human. I know everyone has problems and frustrations, but mine are just as important as anyone else’s. I’m so glad I have this blog and the vlog to get things out there.

At home Meli, Amy and the guests from France were hanging out. It felt so homey and sweet. I love coming home to Meli’s place. It’s the best place we’ve ever stayed in NYC. Going home actually cheers me up. I’m going to miss it here so much. I cleaned my face and went to get chicken for our dinner. I watched the people making our food and thought how lucky I am to have my life. Amy was in love with my new wire headdress and wants me to make her one. “You could be a costume designer.” she said. She’s so sweet and enthusiastic. It made my day. She told our other roommate J.P. about it. “She made this headdress that you would see at the Met.” I heard her say. So sweet. We ate our dinner and went upstairs to work until bedtime.

Tuesday October 25th 2016

Again, Thoth was in a bad mood when I got up. Poor baby. Depression sucks a**, doesn’t it? We got dressed up (I wore my new crown) and we went to 81st Street for lunch with Marianne, one of our biggest fans. She was waiting for us when we arrived. We talked and ate and she gave us designer clothes she didn’t want anymore. She’s been reading my blog for three years and watching the vlog since I started it in 2014. She loves our honesty and bravery going out every day and being ourselves. It inspires her. She says the vlog is more interesting than most things and deserves more attention, as well as us. It completely cheered us up. Thoth had gone to lunch feeling sad, and left laughing and smiling, all because of Marianne. I went to 23rd Street to get more things to make another crown at Michaels and went home. I edited the vlog and blog and sewed hair clips into my tiara until 1am. Being creative is my reason to keep going.