5.3.2010
Yesterday we saw a lesbian couple making out beautifully near the Ramblas. Seeing them made me long for a female lover. I had another dream. Thoth went to take a nap in our simple little hotel room and I went out to a fancy brothel. I sat to eat in a restaurant of red velvet curtains and crystal chandeliers and beautiful vases flowers. I asked a man if the women in the back would be okay with playing with me. He said, “Well, I don’t know, wait a minute.” I was wet and excited with anticipation the whole time. When he came back he said “Sure!” I sneaked down a bright corridor and listened to him tell the girls about me. I saw their dark outlines in a large, luminescent ball. They saw the picture of my extremely pale facade on a camera and laughed saying, “What’s that?” When I went back, Thoth was there. He had no pants or underwear on and pounced on a woman! Wanting to join in, I bit his ass. Then I woke up. Yikes.
Today, I’ve had two things I’ve not had in so long, a smoothie and a grilled cheese. I made a smoothie for Thoth, too. Delicious! Vincente has a wonderful little device that mashes up food very well that’s much cleaner then a blender and a little presser you can toast bread in. My grandmother had one of them, too. I would love to go back to the tunnel and prayform. I doubt we will be prayforming this summer unless we go back. I’m not sure that is our path.
I am remembering things strongly. Having a horrible, weeping, emotional breakdown alone in my room after a month in New York trying to survive theatre school. The joy of first seeing Thoth. The freedom of dancing with him; running down the stairs, falling on the floor, moving my body to the music, him singing to me. When he did Caguma for me. Innocently falling in love with him, listening to his music, dreaming about him. Going to the tunnel as much as I could, even when he wasn’t there. The safe, warm feeling of his home and singing with him over the winter. Being so shy. Susana sitting on the bed speaking to someone on the phone in Spanish. Wondering if she felt left out. Making strawberry cupcakes with him. When I was first began prayforming with him and mentioning passively he never says he loves me but he turned to me and looked me in the eyes and said “…but I do love you.” When my sister came to New York last summer and sat in the tunnel with us. The excitement of our first walk about. Getting arrested with him and being so scared and brave. Looking through the bars of the holding sell where Thoth sat in the lotus position crouched like a caged tiger. Tickling him in the tunnel. Feelings of anticipation. Dancing with Oyen. The beautiful sight of my father listening to us with his eyes closed sitting on the footdrum. Sitting beside Thoth for hours and soaking up every word. Weeping because Thoth told me he can’t prayform with me anymore and wanted me to go home because he didn’t want to loose Susana. Sitting on the steps thinking I’d never see the tunnel again and Thoth saying, “Don’t let this scare you, but we could commit suicide together.” Walking to the subway saying we both want to die. Talking at the subway and the next day him sending me an email forgiving me. Celebrating my one-year anniversary at the Boat House with Dan, his brother and Rodney. So many beautiful people coming to the tunnel to say goodbye to us and a gorgeous redhead woman giving Thoth a handmade shoulder bag with an antler clasp that he had to leave behind.
Every day is a blessing to be with Thoth. Every time he touches me it is a gift. I am happy when he is silly with me or I can kiss him. To have my teacher and someone I love with me all the time is very special. What we will do next is a mystery to me. Amazing how quickly everything happened. Within a year and a month, he left everything behind to go to Europe with me. I love loving Thoth. He’s so playful with me. I want to prayform so badly. We would be so happy if we could prayform.