Monthly Archives: January 2017

A R T I S T I C V I S I O N S A N D D R E A M S

Friday January 27th 2017

I know what my dream is. I know what my goal is. I know what I want to do. I want to bring people to work with us!

We’d have our best friend as our drummer, my favorite actor would be our narrator, and we’d need a bassist/keyboard player. Also, if money wasn’t a concern, we would have a string quartet and a small choir, with sets, lights and costumes too. This would all be in a beautiful theater space made to our specifications. All that extra stuff isn’t as necessary as the core members. This is my dream. To do a show with other artists I love. That is my goal. This is what I want more than anything. Not just one or two shows either, but to perform with these other artists in a sustainable, worldwide tour. That’s the thing success brings, the ability to hire the people you need to make what you do as beautiful as you can imagine it to be, and all the best artists want to work with you. That is what we’re missing. The ability to hire people and work with other artists under Tribal Baroque. To increase our work in a way we alone can not. Thoth and I can only do what we can do.

Today’s prayformance was magic. We’re doing so many wonderful improvisational pieces, each of which are unique and beautiful. I played two solos today too. After the first one, Thoth said it was the best one I had done. I filmed the entire thing and put it on the vlog.

It helped a lot that Ali, Bill and Tori came to see us today. Ali and Bill applaud loudly, very loudly. They both love us in a way that is astounding to me. I realize I am very doubtful and critical of myself during prayformance. I don’t believe people are really that interested in me. I give myself a hard time. I need to stop that. It’s not that I don’t have confidence, I just judge myself a lot when I’m performing in public. I worry I’m boring people. All artist feel that way, even the greatest ones. I wonder why that happens. I feel we are worthy of a much bigger audience for our work, yet when I play I sometimes fear I am boring and uninteresting, especially when I don’t gather crowds for my solos. I’m very genuine in prayformance, and here on my blog and on the vlog. I know I’m interesting and I live an interesting life and make beautiful music with my hubby Bunny. Why do I do that to myself? I wish I could see myself as our fans see me. People probably see me in the way I saw Thoth when I first saw him prayfom in the Angel Tunnel in 2008, and he was probably thinking all the same things I think now. He thinks he scares people, but he probably does. I’m not boring anyone. I’M F***ING AMAZING !! It’s actually hard to see yourself as the beautiful amazing talent you are. It’s easy to sound egotistical. Artist need to be humble, but confident they in their amazing-ness. Tribal Baroque is one of the most unique creative acts in the world and I have one of the most beautiful voices of my generation. See? Writing that feels like I’m being full of myself, but it is my truth. It’s what keeps me going. Someone just wrote “I think it is holy, what you do.” on our vlog channel. All the comments we get are positive to the point of being absolutely jaw dropping. People do love our work. The trick is how to we harness the work we do to reach as many of those people as we can, instead of just being street performers for the rest of our lives?

Having three very supportive people there showing their love and support is so helpful to us. It means that even if a bunch of other people aren’t watching, we still have a built in audience. I’m so grateful to those people. Being an artist and being successful is tricky. No one can tell us what is best for us becides ourselves. I’m working hard on my new story/play. Who knows where it will go or what use it will have for us. All I can do is dream and work and believe. Keep dreaming and working and creating and going out in the world and sharing and believing in myself. My dream will happen if I just keep trying my very best to do what I can to be as creative and expressive as I can. Sometimes I think it is our destiny to be famous and successful. Sometimes that feels far off and away from us. Sometimes I know beyond the shadow of a doubt all my dreams will come true. I started early enough. I started doing creative work at 20. I’ll have been doing it for 10 years by the time I’m 30. That’s got to count for something. All we need is things to fall in place so we can expand in the way my mind and my heart knows only we can.

I HAVE A DREAM FOR SOMETHING SO MUCH BIGGER THAN WHAT WE’RE DOING NOW, AND WE’RE DOING SOMETHING BIG ALREADY. SOMETHING THAT IMPACTS THE WORLD IN WAYS I CAN’T EVEN IMAGINE. I NEED TO BE PATIENT. I NEED TO KEEP WORKING AND WAIT FOR IT TO ALL FALL INTO PLACE. I NEED TO PUT MY DREAMS OUT INTO THE WORLD AND ALLOW THEM TO HAPPEN AS THEY WILL. THAT’S THE SECRET. I KNOW PEOPLE WILL LOVE IT. I KNOW PEOPLE WILL GATHER AROUND IT AND HELP IT TO BE BIGGER THAN WE COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE. IT WILL HAPPEN. I HAVE TO LET GO. GIVE IT UP TO THE THE UNIVERSE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. I AM DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. I AM FOLLOWING MY DEEPEST HEART. I KNOW ALL THE PEOPLE. THE RIGHT THING HAS TO HAPPEN TO BRING US ALL TOGETHER. WE ARE DOING WHAT WE NEED TO IN ORDER TO KEEP CREATING WHILE WE WAIT FOR IT TO HAPPEN. THE MAGIC WAS ME MEETING ALL THE PEOPLE I’VE MET ALREADY, NAMELY THOTH, AND US BEING ABLE TO SUSTAIN OURSELVES IN THIS SIMPLE, CREATIVE LIFESTYLE TOGETHER. I KNOW MIRACLES ARE POSSIBLE, BECAUSE MY LIFE AND MY THOTH AND HIS LOVE FOR ME AND THE WORK WE DO IS A MIRACLE ALREADY. OTHER MIRACLES ARE COMING. JUST WAIT. 

Thursday January 26th 2017

Today wasn’t as wonderful as yesterday, but we still had fun and doing improvs though. My solo today wasn’t as awesome as yesterday’s. Thoth is trusting me to let go during improvisations and dance. We’re doing more improvs then we ever have before. “I can get lost with you now.” he said after a pieces. It’s taken years for him to do that with me. It feels good to do solos, but I didn’t gather a crowd of my own today, unlike yesterday. I’m surprised how much I’m enjoying using black for my makeup looks these days. In years past I was terrified of using black. I thought I couldn’t wear dark colors because Thoth wears dark colors. Such limits one puts on ones self! I can dress however I want to dress!

I’m trying to make videos for my channel as well as the Tribal Baroque channel, especially when I have on cool makeup. It’s such a challange to continue to make videos when I know no one will watch them. I’m doing it for myself. I have to remember that. Just do the work and try not to think about anything else. That is my daily, lifelong challenge.

THE IMPORTANCE OF IMPROVISATION

Wednesday January 25th 2017

Today was special. I listened to music all morning and took a day off from writing my play. Needed to give myself some brain rest. It’s good to do that every once in a while. I worked on a  drawing and danced around after eating breakfast.

The bike ride to the park requires steady uphill peddling, but it isn’t too long, and is good exercise for us. In 30 minutes we’re at Balboa Park. Our friend D. saw us on the road and waved, pulled around a knelt before me as I biked past. I didn’t recognize him at first. He’s a fellow vagabond traveler like us. It was good to see him.

We had a grand time prayforming today. We played a few improvisations, together and separately. You missed out if you missed it. We played a waltz in F# minor that was really beautiful. Simple. It made a woman cry. She knew without us telling her we’ve been doing this for a long time,so we wouldn’t understand how amazing what we do is. I gathered a crowd all by myself singing a solo. I really went for it and explored a few different ostinatos. That brings me a lot of pride to gather a crowd. It’s one thing to play solo in the park, it’s another to stop people by myself. A lot of the time I feel it isn’t me that’s stopping people, it’s Thoth. I’m not as focused in my movements as he is. He holds everything together and I float over on top when we play together. When I play alone, I have to hold it together. It’s a good practice. I used to be so afraid to improvise by myself. These days I’m not being too complicated and realizing it’s not about the violin, it’s about the voice. The simpler the ostinatos I play, the more freely I can sing. Simplicity is key.

I used to only sing other people’s music. I wouldn’t dare improvise. I didn’t believe I could. Now I love improvising. Someday I want to play a fully improvised show. Someday I want to play a full set by myself. I can do things now I could never do when I was younger. Improvisation takes confidence, courage, focus and simplicity. I learn so much when I improvise alone. I see instantly what doesn’t work and what does. It’s good for me to play solos and finish them alone. Before, in Esh and Ee-ay, I would play a solo, but Thoth would take over before it was over, do his solo, and then it would end as a duet. Now I have to get through it alone. I have to come up with an ending, which is the most difficult thing to do when improvising. Thoth told me when we first started playing together, “You’re always looking for an ending.” Musicians who don’t know how to improvise, don’t know how to end. Ending an improvisation requires confidence, especially doing it in public. There is always the possibility that people won’t clap. They didn’t when I first played my solo a few days ago. In a private performance, people always clap. In public, not so much. Performing in public the way we do gives me a lot of confidence.

All I Can F***king Do is DO THE WORK!!!!!!

You know what, F*CK IT! I’m a person who sings music no one has heard before in public parks and I’m living in a world that doesn’t give a SH*T about it, but at least I’m f*ucking doing something!!!!!!! At least I’m trying to do something noble and giving and good! People’s lack of care doesn’t stop me from being immensely successful at it either!!! I’m a f*cking artist! I make art! I try to inspire people! I AM FREE! I wish more people supported it, but ah well! That won’t stop me from doing it, regardless! I can’t control what people are going to do. We are doing more than most people!! Anyone can enjoy what I do, and frankly, they should count themselves lucky!! Every person who ever had or will see us perform live in public is one lucky mother f*cker! In history, people will wish they could have been in their shoes!! People should be falling over each other to help us and house us and put on shows for us, but they don’t! We do it our f*cking selves, and we’re the better for it! I’m proud that we do!! If you wanna do something right, you’ve gotta do it yourself, G o d  d a m n  i t 

The only way to do anything with heart in it, especially these days, is to do it yourself. Most people are too concerned with making financial gain over making anything with soul. We are not. We sacrifice for our heart work, but that doesn’t mean we aren’t successful in our own way. In order to follow your own carved out path, you have to go and do it, and do it fearlessly, and not compare ourselves to the status quo. Just go and do stuff!!! A lot of people won’t get it. That’s fine. (Some do though. We cherish those people. They are special.) I don’t listen to anyone who dissuades me. I don’t let that stop me. We need more brave artists in this world; people who are willing to stick their necks out for art and truth and beauty. That’s what makes life worth living. Not money and fancy houses and cars and that bull s*it! Wake up people! Get your heads out of your butts!  Support art and music and goodness!

We are incredibly successful for being street performers! We get ourselves around the world by ourselves! We are doing enough, giving enough and working hard enough. I get feisty like this because it’s just Thoth and me against the world it seems. It’s so rare for people to stand up for us. Those who do are really special people!( THANK YOU!) We are two people fighting an uphill battle to create a life that is different from any person in this world! We go out and share our art and our music with as many people as we can. People should be grateful, instead of judgmental and mean and condescending as they sometimes are. Thank god that rarely happens!

The best thing to be done is to try and create as much as I can and not think about how little support we have. It’s depressing and debilitating. It’s not how much anyone cares, it’s the work we produce that really matters. I’m a human being and I want to be loved, but creativity is the only thing I can do that gets me through my dark feelings. All artists feel this. I’m not alone. I’m  brave enough to write about it and be vulnerable. It’s can be debilitating to put things out there day after day, year after year and to look too closely at how little energy is received than the energy that is given to do it. It’s a given. Artists give more than they get back. Only the lucky ones, the overrated ones, get more than they give. That is the nature of being an artist, but we don’t have to like it. We want to be loved. We want our work to be appreciated. We are sensitive and vulnerable to criticism. All we want is love and support.

I wish we had more support, but really, F**K IT. That doesn’t stop us from being successful and making beautiful art and music anyway! We don’t need lots of support to do what we do. It would be nice to have more of it, but we can survive without it. When people come see us perform, it makes all the difference for me. There are a handful of people who care enough to make our life feel less lonely and help us in the beautiful ways they do. From giving us a place to stay or coming to see us prayform, to simply commenting on our vlogs and on this blog and supporting us on social media. We can’t do indoor shows or tour with a band, but we can go out to the park and sing every day and support ourselves through that. That is a blessing. Our friends who love us make all the difference. I do wish more people loved us, but F**K it! Some do, and for that I am grateful. We’d need many, many more people like them in order to be more successful, but we don’t have that. We had a handful of supporters, and that makes our life magic, even in the smallest ways. When friends come to see us in the park and stay for the entire time and talk to us afterwards, we feel loved. I wish we had more fans, but F**K it! The few fans we do have do love us and appreciate what we do deeply.

I wish we could perform indoors more often, but F**K it! We don’t have to in order to survive. We do fine performing in public! At least we have that. There is something beautiful about giving our art away and random strangers give back to us out of genuine love of what we do and not by cohesion or force. We are free in public. We are actually pretty famous in Balboa Park and other places we play! We don’t have the influence to get people to come to indoor shows. I actually don’t know how to get people to come to indoor shows. The beauty of public performance is we don’t have to worry if people will come. They always do. It is a much humbler was to perform. I constantly have to look in the mirror of humility by performing in public. That’s why I have so much pride, because I have to believe what we are doing is important, even if it many not seem to be. It is for me. It is for Thoth. It is for those people who truly understand what we’re doing. You know who you are. Thank you.

I wish people supported the vlogs and the blog more, but F**K that too! Despite how frustrating it is at times, it’s not stopping me from making them. I’m doing it for myself. I can’t make people support us more. I can only do the work every day. Work and create and do stuff!!! It is shocking how some people feel entitled to taking our art and giving nothing back, but it shouldn’t surprise me. We are a naturally selfish society. I will always give. I will always hope for people’s generosity. I will never give up. F**k those who think anything other than good things for the work we do. Thank you to those who truly see us and appreciate us. I cannot make anyone like us or respond to us. I can’t control people’s actions. I can only do good works and be a good person. That is all.

 

I ‘ M F E I S T Y T O D A Y

Saturday January 21st 2017

I made three, count them THREE VLOGS today. Not that it matters or anyone cares! It’s actually amazing pathetic how much free, beautiful art we give to people and get so little back for it. I think that will always be the case. We’re lucky we make enough to survive. We are public servants who are not duly compensated for our work. We give and give and give. I think some day it’s got to change. People have got to open their f**king eyes and say “Hey wow, you guys are giving a lot! We should support you more!” Yeah, I know. We’re not the most important thing in the world. People have their own lives and problems to attend to. People are busy. Blah. Blah. Blah. No one owes us their attention or money because we share all this beautiful music. Who cares right? Yeah exactly. Who does care? Why should anyone care about us? There are many more important things to care about. There’s that EVIL ORANGE CLOWN MAN for example. We should be paying attention to him, right? Not us poor stupid ARTISTS. Who cares about us? Who cares about goodness and beauty and giving when evil now has the most powerful position in the world! What does free art matter! Oh right! It matters because in history people will be in awe of those who gave their art to the world and got nothing back and they’ll laugh at that crazy orange dictator. They’ll wonder how those artists kept going, kept making art, kept doing something giving and beautiful when no one gave a s**t, just as they marvel at the artists of the past who died with nothing for their art.

I know that our success would mean a change has occurred in the world. The world is completely backwards now. Those who give beauty and do good works are ignored while those who thieve and hurt and mock are given the largest amount of power and attention. It’s absolutely disgusting honestly. The world would need to make a huge switch. I know people are hungry for what we do. I know people love our music. I know what we do is beautiful. I am proud of what I do with my life, but I am sicked at how invisible we are. I make art and share our work simply because I must. It is not for now. It is for history. No I don’t have a big f**king ego about what we do. I’m forced every day to look straight in the face how little anyone cares. Everything I share, everything we do, is seen and supported by so few people. If we had a million people like our biggest and most devoted fans (you know who you are) we would be able to do the things we’ve always dreamed of. We cannot now. We can travel and perform in public resonant spaces. I am grateful for what that gives us, but we are capable of so much more. Having to look daily at my insignificance sometimes becomes too painful. I know what we are and what we are capable of, and we are not doing that. We are surviving, creating the only way we can. We have no other way to share our music or live other then performing it in public for anyone who will listen. I want us to have more options. We are worthy of it.

We are worthy of attention. We are doing something beautiful and completely unique in the whole world. I want to perform our operas indoors and tour the world with an entourage of helpers, our band and a chamber orchestra, as well as other artists and unusual performers to collaborate with. I want us to sing in churches. I want us to be legitimized by and be given thanks by all the public places we have performed in. I want us to have a theater space/school in which to develop new works. I want us to have million of subscribers on our Youtube channel. I want us to have contact with other unique artists of the world. I want us to be able to put on the shows as beautiful and amazing as we can imagine, with no limit to budget. The magic and beauty of what we do now is we manage to make raw art and beauty with nothing but our own willpower. No one makes it possible but us ourselves. Almost everything stands against us being successful. We could stop tomorrow and only a few people would blink an eye for a moment. There is nothing pushing us onward but our love and our need to put out into the world what does not exist.

I am grateful for my husband for holding me up, as he is grateful for me. We push each other forward, despite the darkness all around us, which will eat us alive if we let it. Thinking about the state of the world right now too much leads us down a dark path. At least we have our work. It’s all we have. We have a few dedicated fans. We appreciate them more then they know. Those who are reading this, for example, I appreciate so much. I don’t know what else to do. I am doing what I can. Being creating, being a good person, trying to be patient, being loving and giving. That is all we can do. Just keep going forward. Feel what I feel. Get it out in writing and in words and push onward forward. Don’t give up. Let those few special people’s love for us and our work be enough. Let ourselves, our work, what we are doing, be enough. We are enough. We are worthy of what we dream of.