I’m terribly sorry to my (tens of) readers for not posting as regularly as I was before. I feel an unnatural and honestly ridiculous amount of guilt about it (also about having not much to say in regards to the vlogs either). Haven’t posted on my own channel in 5 days either. I am sick, which is good enough of any excuse, but I’m also just trying to focus on myself more. My blog is for me, yes, bu having been writing every morning in a private journal, makes the blog (with it’s hordes of ardent readers) feel particularly pointless and redundant. I am writing a play and drawing depressing things and acting all of my days up here in my room. We still have 13 days left in Nashville.
I’ve been getting up at 7 or 8am every morning for a month. I never thought I’d be able to do that. Even this morning when I was feeling sickly, I still got up. When we first got here, I was acting in the morning, then cleaning my room and listening to music. Later I started writing my morning pages first thing. Once my room was all cleaned, I acted and did intimate things most days. On Christmas day, I started drawing original artwork in my sketch book. I had been making acting videos every day previously, but my voice was run ragged, so I decided to rest. On the same day, I started writing my first play. Recently, I’ve been writing my three Morning Pages and working for over an hour every day on my play.
I need to stay focused on long term creative projects, not just short term things. I’m really good at doing something that takes a few days. Drawing a sketch, making a video, writing a blog entry. I have done things that take many years. Prayforming for one thing. That’s been 8 years of work, and is a longtime, lifelong commitment. I wrote an opera with Thoth for a year, but it was incredibly difficult and only happened because we were paid and would debut it in Martha’s Vineyard. I need to find a way to stay focused on a long time creative project just because I need to instead of needing to share and get attention for it all the time. I find it very difficult to write something, draw something, create something, do a makeup look, sing, perform, play violin, etc. without wanting to show everyone! That need for constant attention and compliments for and creative work I do is causing me to not create as much as I know I can. I have pulled away from social media a lot over the last several days. Its all a lie. False. It’s so easy for people to press “like”. I’d rather people leave a comment.
It is actually terribly frustrating to create something one can really be proud of (a play, a song, an opera, a book) yet it is so easy for people to either like or dislike it. It is also highly possible for one’s work to never be respected or seen by anyone. No one sees or understands the blood, sweat and tears artists have to put into their work to make it great. All artists want to create something greater then themselves, but not many are willing to do the work. In the end, we have to create because we must, not to get attention, fame, money or anything else. It might come, but only if we work hard and stay focused on creating for ourselves.
I want to be a more macabre, grotesque performer. I have a lot of darkness in me that needs to be seen by the world. I’m not all sweetness and femininity. I may seem that way on the outside, but on the inside I’m a dark, disturbed boy. That needs to come out. It started coming out with my acting videos, and now it’s coming out in my drawing and in my play. I need an outlet for it. My outlet for that has always been in private, but now it needs to be out. It almost feels like coming out. I’m a dark, boyish creature. I’ve been hiding it for my entire life. When I talk to my mother about it, she denies it. She doesn’t see it in me. No one does. Thoth embraces it in me, as I embrace his femininity. I told a friend of mine recently I want to play a Phantom-like character. Instead of saying I don’t have the right body or voice for it, he said “Well, you could.” That was in a way, the beginning of my journey toward openly embracing this side of me. The acting side. The emotive side. The extreme side. The vulnerable side. The ugly side. The scary side. I started exploring it with my creepy makeup back in October in NYC. It was immensely freeing in regards to my acting and self expression.
I’ve been terrified for years to show my teeth, to growl, to look crazy. I’m not so scared of it anymore. It’s longing to come out of me. Someone said to me a few years ago, “Why can’t you be the monster?” Back then I back away from it saying, “I’m angelic. That’s just who I am. I’m not going to change.” Now look at me. Low and behold, I’m changing. All in good time. Of course all that dark stuff in me would start to come out eventually. I couldn’t suppress it forever. I can be scary. I can be anything I want to be. I’m not limited to one color. I am free to create whatever I want to create. It’s amazing how long it takes to learn these things! 8 years. It’s a lifelong process though I think. The kinds of things that can show us how limitless we are. It takes a lot of self love, self acceptance and self work to see the invisible restraints we put on ourselves.