Monthly Archives: January 2016

Getting Hurt while Running (I’m OK though!)

Saturday January 30th 2016

I got up and got ready to go running as I have for almost a month. I was feeling good and slept well.  I ran about 10 minutes from home and turned on a side road to take a breather. When I started to run again, I immediately tripped and fell. It hurt a lot. I didn’t have a phone, so I got up and walked back to the house, crying the whole way. I got to our room crying to Thoth that I’d hurt myself. He dropped everything and ran over to hold me. He brought me in the bathroom to clean me up. My knee was red and stung like hell. I couldn’t stop crying. He cleaned me up and put me in bed to rest. I called sis and told her what happened.

Eventually I got up and made some cereal. Despite that it was cold and cloudy out, we decided to go out to the park to play. I would have felt worse if I didn’t. I slowly got dressed and we drove instead of biking. We’ve driven to the park three days in a row. Jim has lent us his son’s car to use while we’re here. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. Unless it’s pouring we’ll drive tomorrow too. I’ve been in no mood to bike. 

The park seemed busy, but it was a slow performance for us. We sold a few CDs, though. Playing in the front (on El Prado, where all the people are) Thursday and Friday helps me manage playing in the back (on Patio B where it’s less busy) on the weekends. Saturday’s are surprisingly slow, but Sunday’s are almost always good. When it’s slow in the back, which it’s been all month, it’s really slow. By slow, I mean there is no one in the hallway watching us. The front is rarely ever slow like that. It’s hard to play in the back when it’s slow, but it’s better than nothing. We can’t play in the front on the weekends. There are too many performers fighting for such a small area.

We stopped to take a break and some guys saw us and ran over to us. One had a boom box, the other had a drum, the other had a camera and the other was clearly the dancer. The dancer, called Anointed, asked to sit between us and film. We said sure. He had a really cool outfit on and put on colorful mask. He then asked if we could play while he danced. At first I hesitated, but then said ok. We played “Interlude” and the drummer stood on the rail and played gently with us while Anointed danced in the center. I wish I’d filmed it! Damn! It was awesome. The drummer recognized us from Central Park and he was a really sensitive player, which is rare. That was the highlight of the day for me.IMG_20160130_181529704

We packed up and walked to the car. Thoth held my hand. He’s such a good husband. “We’re getting fish tacos for dinner.” he said. That made me happy. “Is that my treat?” I asked. “Yes. It’s like when you get a lollipop at the doctor’s office.” he said smiling.  What a sweet husband he is. I’m a very lucky girl. Every difficult situation we’ve faced only brings us closer together.


Feeling Wonderful

Friday January 29th 2016

I was in a great mood today because I slept well, finally. I am so lucky to be alive! The chances of me existing are almost zero and the fact I met Thoth is a miracle. My existence is a miracle.

We played up front in the hallways of El Prado today. It was so nice. Les came to see us. He always tips us, which is so kind. An old woman wanted to see us play, so she waited, but wandered away after we started. I had my eyes closed during “Anya” and heard a familiar voice cheering when we finished. I opened my eyes and went to hug our friend Ali. She’s also very generous and supportive of us. She took pictures all afternoon like she always does. I love when people do something creative while watching us perform.

We had nice crowds and I was in a much better mood. Yesterday I wasn’t in a bad mood, but I was dreamy and played with my eyes closed and didn’t move around much. Today I danced and smiled and interacted with Thoth and had fun. Thoth likes it better when I’m like that.We had big crowds and people cheered for us. “Are you professionals?” a woman asked. I paused, then said, “I hate that question.” Thoth explained, “A professional means to make a living doing something and that’s what we do so by definition we are professionals.” “That question always feels like a challenge.” I said. The woman apologized. “Even though it may seem one way, it’s a compliment.” a woman sitting in the audience said.

The woman stayed and watched the rest of the prayformance, even when everyone else left. We finished and Ali stayed and talked with us. A man in the audience asked how much we charged for a private performance. We told him and exchanged numbers. He said he would get in touch with his friend who is a famous self-help author for a private performance. I felt wonderfully blessed. IMG_20160129_164932197 IMG_20160129_165042558

I saw a cute man on the drive home and called out to him from the car door. “You’re beautiful!” I said. We went to the grocery store and then went home.

Feeling Supported and Loved

Screen Shot 2016-01-29 at 11.55.49 AMSometimes I truly see how many people care about us. It’s amazing how many do. There are people who read my blog first thing in the morning, who keep up with how we’re doing and truly go through it with us because of my blog. It’s so humbling. Sometimes I get clouded over by the false reality that people don’t care about us, but they always do. Many people I may never meet or know pay attention, too. I’m glad I have this forum for people to know how I am. I had a bad day yesterday, and people actually care. People care about my and Thoth’s happiness. Some people get so concerned when I cry that they cry too. It’s so important for me to have this blog. It’s created a community of people that care about us. Amazing! Just by writing about my life and being really honest and open about it, I’ve brought people closer to us. They get to go through the highs and lows of our life with us, especially if they read every day, and many do. More than I know. More than I will ever know. I see numbers of visitors, but each visitor is a person who I am affecting in some way. This blog has a lot of power to do good. It brings me a lot of comfort to know some people are down in the trenches with us in a way. It’s like there’s this group of people who are invisible angels all around us, caring and hoping with us and for us. Even when I write about depressing things, people are still there rooting for us. It’s a comfort to know that. Both Thoth and I want to be loved and accepted for who we are, and we both are injured. Every day when we prayform, we’re giving beauty and asking for love and support. Even when we get beaten down over and over, like frail flowers being blown by heavy winds, we continue to reach outward asking for love. We cling to each other as the wind blows us, holding onto hope and faith that when the storm passes, everything will be ok. Thoth is there for me in a way no one ever has before. Our love is magical. We love each other no matter what. He is so good to me. Always caring, always loving, always solid always there for me. I am so lucky. He has given me everything and only wants me to be happy. When I’m sad or struggling in some way, he gets sad, too. When I’m happy, he is happy. I love him so much. He’s so hard working and so calm though life’s problems. He has taught me to be a very strong person and helps me get through and continue to make music for as long as I live. I don’t know what we’d do without each other.

Hard Day Gets Better.

Thursday January 28th 2016

I had a horrible night. It’s been hard for me to sleep the past several nights. Last night was the worst. I thought I would go crazy. I woke Thoth up because I felt so alone, but there’s nothing he can do to help me. I ended up falling asleep around 2:30 or 3am. I was so tired when I woke up around 10:30am. Thoth was worried for me all morning, so it was hard for him to do anything productive. We got dressed and drove to the park, but I was a walking zombie I was so tired.

We set up in the hallway on El Prado in Balboa Park. I closed my eyes while we played and didn’t move a lot. It was helpful to sing. Singing always feels good, especially when other people are enjoying it, too.

Someone posted a blog about seeing us in Barcelona back in 2010. It was amazing to read about a time when we were struggling so much from someone else’s perspective. It reminded me that whatever we’re experiencing, no matter how hard it is, people are having their own experiences watching us perform, and they’re usually quite special. I kept that in mind when we were performing. I also read somewhere someone comparing my voice to silk, so I thought of that while I sang, too. Nice thoughts to be thinking while we were prayforming.
IMG_20160128_170431951 IMG_20160128_170649We went to our friend’s house to have dinner after playing. It was so nice.

Why I’m an Introvert, My Cirque Du Soleil Audition Story and More…

Wednesday January 27th 2016

I had a friend over last night and went out to the beach with them. Not something I do. Like, ever. It’s a challenge for me to be around other people, even friends, when I’m not performing. I’m so reclusive. I think this stems from being bullied in school. It got to a point, after being bulling through elementary and middle school, that I stopped talking to everyone. I no longer longed for friends and embraced being alone. I’ve always been a person to person kind of person. I like being with one (MAYbe two) people at a time. Otherwise I get overwhelmed. If I go to a gathering or spend time with a friend outside, I always become very tired afterwards.

I remember walking through the halls of my high school wearing my grandfather’s tux and a pale purple tutu with my eyes painted in black tears, listening to The Magic Flute or Don Giovanni. I wouldn’t speak to a soul the entire school day, then I’d go home and blast Phantom of the Opera or Michael Jackson upstairs in my room.

People didn’t know what to think of me. My mom was immensely accepting of how I dressed, but my dad wasn’t. They were divorced so when we stayed at his house when mom was in rehab for alcoholism, he wouldn’t let me dress up or call myself Zoe. (I went by a lot of names growing up.) I took the name Zoe in high school because I desperately wanted to play Zoe in Cirque Du Soleil’s Quidam. I auditioned for them in Orlando when I was 19, but didn’t get in because I couldn’t belt. I can now, but I don’t want to be in Cirque anymore. Isn’t that funny?

I never thought I would be where I am today 7 years ago. I was sure I would be in other people’s productions singing other people’s music, but not playing original music. You never know what life’s going to throw at you, am I right? If I had known I would be singing original music and be married to such a wonderful man, I would be thoroughly shocked. I never thought there was any way I could learn to write original music.

My parents never discouraged me from being a musician or an artist, because they were artists too, but I can understand why a lot of parents do. It’s one of the hardest lifestyles to survive at. There’s very little security (or money for that matter.) Most creative people are never lucky enough to make any money creating their art, nor do they have any idea how to do so. I never thought about making money when I started prayforming with Thoth, I just fucking did it. I never thought about how I would survive in New York when I moved there when I was 19, I just fucking moved there. I’ve found over the years that I start worrying more as I get older, even though people still think I’m a teenager. (Just yesterday when I was out with my friend the cashier asked if I was her child, and she is 4 years younger than me!) I hate worrying.

Sometimes I remember back to when I was 20. It seemed like I was fearless. I did some of the craziest fucking things with Thoth. We survived in Marrakech with no money and somehow we didn’t get die. Like our friend Mike says, “You have memories none of us could ever dream of.” I don’t regret any of those crazy experiences even for a moment. I know anyone who is starting out on the creative path may find it daunting. I sure did. I don’t really have any advice to give, other than “Just do it.” I have no idea how to achieve my dreams, I just have to get up every day and do the work. Prayform, write, make videos, sing, practice, be patient, meet people, work hard, be kind, give myself a break, and do my very best.