Category Archives: My Beliefs

I Don’t F—ing Care What You Think

Friday July 2nd 2016

I don’t do what I do for you to like me. I don’t do it for your approval. I’m not writing this for you either. I don’t care if you don’t like me. I love you if you do, but I don’t cater what I do to you. I’m not posting pictures of my looks for you. I’m not singing for you. I’m not playing violin for you. I’m not doing anything for you. I’m doing it for me. I don’t care what you think about me or what I’m doing. You can’t advise me when I’m feeling down. You don’t know what I’m going through. There’s no reason for people to care about me, and yet people do. It’s amazing anyone does. I’m a very small person in a very big world. If I make any impact at all, that is astounding, and I know I do. I love the people who love Thoth and me, but I couldn’t give two shits about the others.

My world is small, complex and unique. I write about it here and make vlogs, but there’s nothing I can convey to make you truly understand or like me. Either you do or you don’t. I’m not vlogging or blogging for you. I do that for me, too. It’s a document of my experiences and growth. I share it so if someone can take inspiration from the musings in my head about my strange little life, then that’s great. If people find inspiration in the strange little thing I do called prayforming, then that’s fantastic. The best I can do is keep doing my work and not listen to anything that doesn’t empower me.

It’s of no importance what others think. It’s a freeing thing to say. Immensely satisfying. It’s debilitating to be doing things for approval from others. Everyone is their own unique person with their own unique dreams and values. No one can do for me what I can do for myself. No one can make the things happen I want unless I do. We have a vision, and we make it happen every day. I am fearless and fervently devoted to the work I do with Thoth. I would die for it. I don’t care what anybody thinks about that. I used to, and it really fucked me up. I can’t wait for something to happen outside me, I have to do it myself. I can’t hope for people to be more understanding and accepting, I have to be myself. I am what I want to see in the world. I can’t make anyone feel or do or say anything they haven’t chosen to. It’s a miracle we keep ourselves alive with our work, and that is all that matters. Sure I get down, but I always get up and keep playing.

I used to be scared of offending people or turning people off or doing something that made people misunderstand me. I couldn’t deal with the idea that someone hated or disliked or misunderstood me. It was maddening, but now I’m free of that. I stopped giving two shits what people think. I’ve stopped trying to please everyone. I don’t want to please you, I want to challenge you and move you. I don’t want to be easy to swallow. Being a public performer makes a lion out of you. It shows you who you are and what you’re truly capable of. It puts you face to face with your fears. It molds you into a tough, strong, fearless warrior, especially doing it as uniquely as we do.

I’ve done things at my age most people will never do in their lifetimes because they’re too scared to fail. I’ve never been afraid to fail, because I knew I would never give up. I threw myself into a life of traveling and prayforming with Thoth, throwing caution to the wind back in 2009. No one believed in us then accept for one or two friends, but look at us now. You have to sacrifice everything in order to make your dreams happen. There’s just no pussy-footing around it. Either you go for it %150 or you don’t and end up regretful and bitter in your old age. I will never regret the choices I’ve made. Every day I am reminded I made the best choice of my life, because every day I get to do what I love for a living. I am a professional singer. I’ve never been anything else. I knew that’s what I wanted to be and so that’s what I am. No naysayers could ever stop me. If you follow the voice of your heart with determination, confidence and fearlessness and have faith your dreams are real, then anything is possible. Anything is possible if you follow your heart every day of your life and you try to be kind to others and good to yourself. If I died singing to Thoth, I’d die a happy woman.

Some of My Thoughts on Life After Death and Religion

Tuesday November 18th 2014

I am woken to the brush of something soft on my cheek. My eyes flicker open, but the light is so bright I can only feel the presence of a being in front of me. As my eyes adjust to the light, I envision a shape. I become more and more aware. The soft feeling on my cheek is a hand. The being looks at me with such tenderness. From its back, a shimmering pair of wings spread behind them. It picks me up gently and lifts me into the air. We are flying. The view is stunning. Clouds are a frothy mixture of pink, purple and blue. There are beautiful, grassy hills and valleys and stunning cliffs with gorgeous waterfalls below us. I can see other beings flying through the air. Every color was something I had never seen before. As we fly, I become aware the the being’s eyes are always focused on me. It’s eyes have such compassion and understanding. Suddenly, I recognize who it is. It is Thoth. My husband, the love of my life. The man I’d been waiting to see again since he died all those years ago. We embrace with joy and a dazzling, glistening palace appears over the horizon, the enormous swirling spirals reaching beyond the clouds. We float through the gates into a bright, warm light and disappear.

This is what I wish to happen when I die. I’d like to hope heaven exists and I can see my loved ones again. It makes me feel hopeful when I read about life after death experiences. This life is so hard, there’s got to be something better afterwards, but how could it be? I read “Proof of Heaven” a few years ago. It’s about a neurosurgeon who went into a coma and came back, claiming he saw the afterlife. It was very vivid, and he believed it was real. My sister mentioned something to me about it that stumped me, though. “What if he hallucinated everything a second before he woke up?” The one thing I can say against that argument is that some people come back talking about events and people they would have never known about on earth. I want to believe heaven is real, but I don’t know how it’s possible for consciousness to survive beyond death. Maybe we do have a soul that keeps our consciousness going, but we could never prove it’s existence on earth. I was raised an Episcopalian and taught all the regular things about Jesus and the Bible. I have since come to know that Jesus’ real name was Yeshua. I believe he existed, but I’m not sure he was God. I do believe he was a good man who taught people to love each other and the highers up didn’t like that, so they murdered him. Human beings tend to largely ignore unique people while they’re alive, then they idolize them once they’re dead. Funny. Yeshua, Van Gogh, Bach, Poe, even Mozart didn’t have the kind of world over adulation and respect they have today. I wonder why that is. Anyway, I don’t believe God is a man with a long white beard sitting on a throne in the clouds, but I believe there is a presence of great love out there watching over us. I believe heaven is anything we can imagine it to be. I believe in fate, because I know I was destined to meet Thoth, as he was to meet me. There is no doubt in my mind. I do also believe we are in control of our fate. We are given the power to choose. I hope to be reunited with Thoth in the afterlife, because I know he will die long before I do. It will comfort me to think he is in a better place.

Do you believe in life after death?