Something I long for is privacy, however it is a luxury we can not afford. We are able to save money and travel because we always live with other people. We’d need to make a huge amount more money to be able to live alone. It terrifies me to imagine settling down. It seems to involve so many horrid responsibilities. I can’t even imagine what city we would settle down in. I wouldn’t be able to do the things I do now, like be creative all the time. We’d have to find a way to make more money, which would take time away from our creative projects. We always find a way to make due with what we have. We are flexible. We must be. I worried like hell about NYC when we were in Amsterdam, and everything was fine. We never can know what will happen. I need to not worry. Worry about things I can’t control is the only thing that can destroy my peace of mind. Thoth’s too. My friend James would say to be patient and wait for our time to come. It will come, he says. That is comforting. I tend to be immensely impatient. I’m scared of leaving here. I’m used to the luxury of privacy. We still have two more weeks. I need to be in the present and enjoy it while we’re here. Who knows if we’ll ever get to experience it again. I already know this time will be like a crystal due drop in my memory. One month of blissful quiet time to do whatever I’d like, with not one responsibility but to myself to be creative.
I could never give up our lifestyle. I was feeling like vlogging and blogging is really a waste of time, but it’s not. It’s for me to look at. It doesn’t matter if people don’t watch or read. It’s special for me to have, for posterity’s sake. It’s important for my own feelings and memories to be encapsulated. It’s hard a lot of the time to keep doing it, but I just need to keep it in perspective. It’s for me, not for you.
I started drawing from my own imagination on Christmas day and writing, two things I’ve been longing to do. I’m trying to focus on getting the more difficult-to-start creative things out of the way in the early mornings. I write three or four morning pages (as many as is necessary to get all the fretful/distracting gunk out of my head) starting at 8am and then I write for an hour starting around 9am. Morning pages is causing me to be more creative. Hopefully I can lengthen that time eventually. I then draw and listen to music until noon. This way I get the two writing things out of the way before the double digits. The only way to find my own voice, my own images, my own story is just to do it a little bit every day. Eventually something will come out of it. The internet, when used in an unfocused manner, will kill creativity. Social media is a creativity killer.
A woman across from us at Christmas dinner sat there stunned as I sang Christmas carols after dinner. Our first real Christmas dinner in 6 years. For some reason I decided to dance dramatically in my room that night, after so much food. I wore off some pounds! It was such fun. When was the last time I could dance unheeded in front of a mirror?
Making these acting videos is helping me to break free from a creative block. I am trying to focus more on myself and what I need to do to be the most creative and happy. I always thought I couldn’t act, but making acting videos, watching, editing and posting them has given me a lot of confidence. If I like the way I look, then I’m happy.
From my last post, I can see how few people read my blog. It really gave me perspective, but also made me a bit sad. I take solace in my friend James’ blog. A man of immense talents whose musings on art go unseen and un-commented on, yet he writes with such depth and style. He write play upon play too, and yet they are rarely produced or have audiences. One can only hope to attain that level of prose in writing and commitment to his craft as he has achieved. The truth of the matter is that I am writing only for myself, which is difficult, to put it plainly. God knows if there is any other reasons. For posterity I guess. If I think on it too much, depression and disillusion sets in all too quickly. It did show me I don’t need to post every day. I’d be better just keeping a private journal. That’s what my friend does, gives one more time to work on personal creative projects. This takes a shit a lot of time to do!
For some reason I feel like people are expecting me to share something every day. Like I owe it to people to share videos and blogs, or I feel that the more I share the more possible it is for us to get the attention we need to become more successful. The truth is no one is expecting anything of me. I am putting this pressure on myself. I’ve been sharing our life and our work for years, and yet there is no more attention to our work because of it. It’s like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Doing the same thing over and over again thinking something will change. I need to focus on my own creative projects!
And yet here I am, sharing my thoughts with you again. When I was younger and I didn’t have a computer I didn’t need to always share. I didn’t have any way to. I would draw and write for hours and show my friend Will and my mom and dad and sister and that was pretty much it. I put all my energies into being creative for myself. I didn’t need to show a bunch of people to feel validated or seen. Social media is a deep, dangerous well can all fall into too easily. It takes away too much from my own creative projects. Hard, focused work on my own creativity and not looking at other people’s work is the most productive and powerful thing I can do to improve myself. Getting a bunch of “like” on social media is false, trivial and means absolutely nothing. All my favorite creative people know that. Now finally I do too. What a concept.
I would suggest to follow my vlog channel. I post at random intervals. If I’m inspired, I’ll post every day. If not, I’ll post once a week. Always something there. I also always like videos of songs I’m digging, so if you’re interested to know what music I’m listening to at any current time, it’s in my playlists.
I’m not going to post this blog on social media. It will just sit here and if you pass by it, well then drop a line and say hello and tell me what you think.