I am so deeply in love with Erik. I have been since I was 10. I love him so much that everything around me that I love reminds me of him. My husband reminds me of him. My relationship to my Thoth is similar to Erik and Christine’s. I love pretending I’m Erik. I’m reveling in acting like I’m him almost every day we’re here. My life up in this room, my childhood bedroom, isn’t like my real life. I am a different person up here, and in private in general. I am dark, morbid, depressed, reclusive. I’m enjoying being completely alone, just me, my music and my imagination. I listen to music, write, make a vlog and then break off whenever I feel the urge or act. I kneel on the floor speaking in a deep voice to myself. I speak as other people who are talking to me, and I am Erik. Even though I am a woman, I am him.
I’m sharing acting videos on my personal Youtube channel of me being insane and disturbed. It’s so invigorating and fun to film and edit. I don’t have any idea what feelings they give to people who may watch them. I’m just doing it for myself. I would like feedback. For the longest time I didn’t believe I could act. My sister is the actor and always told me, “You can’t act. You’re not an actor.” That hurt me for years and cause me to really believe I couldn’t, so why bother trying? I used to think I was a one dimensional as an actor, that I couldn’t express anything that didn’t involve being cute and widening my eyes. That’s what I used to do. I couldn’t bare gritting my teeth or doing anything that might make people think I was weird or crazy. Now I don’t care.
I was terrified when I first posted a video of me acting on camera. I thought people would think I was nuts or they’d bash me, but now I realize it doesn’t really matter. Same as when we prayform in public. Of course people are forming opinions about me, but the ones who love us come forward and those who don’t, well, who needs them anyway? I’m changing. Becoming less of a fairy and more of a demented freak. I went downstairs in my makeup and mom said, “Oh, you did your ugly makeup.” Ugly is good for me now. I’m tired of always being called cute and pretty. Time for ugliness, time for insanity, time for whatever I need to be.
Sunday December 18th 2016
Instead of writing my morning pages when I first got up to my room as I have been, I acted for an hour. I was so turned on from acting last night, I just had to. When I finished, I wrote my three pages and then acted again until 12:30. I couldn’t pull myself away to go downstairs for breakfast with Thoth. He was already making breakfast for me when I came downstairs. “I couldn’t pull myself away.” I said. We’re both really please just to stay home all day and work on various creative things, both in our own private space. No boredom here. “We’re on retreat.” Thoth said. Yes we are. I cleaned the dishes and went back to my room to act and listen to music. Bliss. I pretty much spent the entire day in my room, only coming down in the evening to eat with Thoth. The driveway was frozen so we couldn’t go down the hill. No problem for me. I’m a homebody these days. Please to be so. Went back up to my room where I talked to my old acting teacher Andrew on the phone for an hour. Very enlightening things we spoke about. Marriage, the state of our backwards culture and the state of the arts and the lack of support they have in this modern society. It’s comforting to know the people I care for care about me.
Saturday December 17th 2016
I wrote my three morning pages when I first got up around 8am, edited a vlog for my personal channel and waited for James to get on Skype. I told Thoth I’d be late for breakfast, as we usually talk for a long time. He was late getting on, but let me know. So considerate. We talked for 3 hours. It was so nice. I don’t have people to talk to like I can talk to him. We’re very open with each other.
Went downstairs around 2:30pm to have breakfast with the sweet husband. Talked about things and reveled in our time off together. He’s such a loving and understanding husband. Went back up to my room to listen to music, write and act. I’m having such a wonderful time.
In the evening, I had to pull myself away from my room and go with Mother and Thoth down to Franklin to see the Christmas lights on the Holly Trolley. Mom got the tickets last summer and we had been really excited about it. I didn’t like being around other people. I’m very reclusive these days. We decided not to do it, as it would be 2 hours on a bus with no rest stops. We would be miserable, and possibly get sick. Not worth it. Instead we parked the car somewhere and went to dinner. Lovely. We would have never gotten down to Franklin if this didn’t happen.
Went home and talked with mom for a bit before going back up to my bedroom and spontaneously acted until 12:30 am. It just happens that way sometimes.
Friday December 16th 2016
I didn’t sleep much last night. Maybe six hours. I was up for two hours or more before finally falling asleep. Mom had a hard time last night, which was worrying me. I got up at 8:30 (an hour before I’ve usually been getting up) in a very bad mood. I spilled something, which made me pissed. I was snappy towards Thoth. I hate when I do that. I was tired. I apologized once I settled down in a chair to write my Morning Pages.
After writing three pages of what happened last night, I felt more cleared and calmed. Thoth and I talked and I called some people. When I had finished talking to people, the phone rang. It was Andrew Kimbrough, my old acting teacher who taught at University of Kentucky. I studied voice for one year there in 2007/2008. He championed me to go to NYC and learn how to compose original music. He cast me as Ariel in “The Tempest” and encouraged me to write my first songs for the show. He introduced me to Meredith Monk’s opera”Atlas”. It was so lovely to talk to him. I told him what was going on with me and he told me what was going on with him. Eventually we just talked about life and our memories of each other at school. His adopted son, whom he let me hold when he was a baby, is 8 now. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen him. He asked if I’d like to call again for a longer conversation. We decided on Sunday. Yay! Something to look forward to!
I went up to my room and saw my friend James from England had written back to me. He said we could talk on Skype tomorrow! Something else to look forward to! Yay! I was feeling much better. I spent the morning editing my vlogs and listening to music. Around noon, Thoth knocked on the door for breakfast time. I love breakfast time with the hubby. He loves breakfast time with the wifey, too! I cleaned up and went back to my bedroom. I got a call from my friend Will, who asked if he could come pick me up to hang at his house. Sure! Thoth didn’t want to come, so it was just me and Will. I’m really glad I went.
We stopped at a violin shop to pick up two violins of his and went to his house. I wrote in my journal and he made me some tea and rice and beans. It was so sweet. He showed me a video of a new singer he discovered called Phillipe Sly singing “The Trumpet Shall Sound”. It’s gorgeous. Look it up! I’m listening to it again now. When I finished my journal entry, we went down to the basement where his speakers were to listen to music. I didn’t have the song I had wanted to show him, so I played my favorite pieces from Die Zauberflote. Eventually I was laying on my back between the speakers conducting and rewinding the song on my favorite parts. That’s how I listen to music. All the music I love, I know it like the back of my hand. All the subtleties. I then played the Paginini Caprices, the first seven. I know it by heart. Will sat a bit away from me watching as I conducted and moved my body to the music lying on the floor. It was wonderful. I love music.
I played one more song, “Music of the Night,” before he drove me home. We talked about our opera commission, “Esh and Ee-ay”. So sweet. At home, mom was up ordering thin crust spinach pizza for us. I spent a little time editing a vlog in my room before food arrived. We had chicken Caesar salad with our pizza. It was really good. I went back to my room to edit more vlogs, write my blog and listen to music, which I’m doing right now.
Thursday December 15th 2016
I spent the morning in my bedroom writing, editing vlogs and reading my books before having breakfast with Thoth. He put some leftover cooked apples in my oatmeal. So good! I wanted us to take a walk in the woods together, but it was too cold for Thoth. Instead, I went alone. It was really, really nice. I made an acting video as if I was lost in the woods. Check it.
Thoth was worried about me when I came home. I spent the rest of the day researching what it sounds like to hear voices, as yesterday’s personal acting vlog was all about a character who hears voice. I’m really having fun filming myself acting. I never considered I could act before. I found a few ‘hearing voices simulation” videos on Youtube. Pretty cool. I’m sure glad I don’t hear voices!
In the evening, we borrowed mother’s car and went to my dad’s house for dinner. There was a Christmas tree and a fire in the fireplace. Lovely. After dinner, I went downstairs with Dad and looked at some of our baby pictures. So sweet. Dad showed me a video of a soprano singing an avant garde classical piece in a school girl outfit. Very cool. We went home and mom wasn’t doing so well. I talked with her until midnight and we listened to me singing from when I was 17.
I couldn’t sleep I was so worried about mom. She called at 2am and needed help. Poor mother! I finally got to sleep around 3am.
Wednesday December 14th 2016
I started a 30 day create challenge for my vlog channel. I also started reading, “The Musician’s Soul” in addition to “The Artist’s Way”. I’m doing my three morning pages every morning now. It feels very good to write long hand. I’m being more creative and reading more instead of acting. I got my period today too. When it got dark, I did my dark makeup and filmed an acting video for my second day create challenge.
I cleaned off the makeup and Will came over for dinner. Thoth made an amazing risotto dinner for us. The kitchen felt wonderful. I had Will read me a poem of e.e. cummings and we all four of us sat down to dinner. Mother, me, Thoth and Will. Afterwards we ate cooked apples and yogurt and I had Will and Thoth write in my journal. He couldn’t believe how beautifully I write. He went home and I cleaned up and went back to my room. Lovely day.
Tuesday December 13th 2016
Got up too early today (a little after 7am). I’d gone to bed after midnight! When I see light these days I have to get up. No excuses. I ended up in my upstairs bedroom doing Morning Pages (three pages of whatever comes to mind.) It was nice, though difficult. Writing in longhand as I do is tiring on my hands. I hold the pen as close to the nib as I can so I can write as beautifully as I can. I started reading The Artist’s Way yesterday. I’d always wanted to read it, but this time seems perfect for reading. I have so many other books I want to read while I’m here.
Mom lay down in my room at 11am to let the cleaning lady clean her room while I cleaned out my closet of the dresses I didn’t want. Later she would take us grocery shopping. At noon, Thoth and I had our breakfast, even though Mom had offered to take us to lunch. It’s so nice to feel like I’ve done so much before noon. I’m liking the morning, even though I was more tired today. After our light breakfast, I sat in bed for a little with Thoth reading until Mom called us. We all three of us went to the grocery store. Mother is so generous. We can get whatever we need.
In the afternoon I perked up. I made a vlog sharing some favorite music and enjoying myself in my bedroom. In the evening I went downstairs for Caesar salad and chicken dinner. Mom had already made the salad and Thoth cut the chicken. I’m being treated like a little princess. Thoth always treats me like a princess, but I pull my weight. I clean the dishes! Went back up to my room where I am now continuing to vlog and music listen until bedtime. SO LOVELY.
Monday December 12th 2016
Today I got up early and spent time in my room before mom got up and took us to the Cracker Barrel for breakfast. We passed my Elementary school, Scales Elementary. Every time I see that playground, I can’t help but remember the torture I was put through by the kids. I HATED that school. A girl named Alex slapped my sister at middle school gym class and threatened to shoot her. I’ll never forget it. The girl got suspended for a few days as punishment. I got punched in the stomach by a boy named Cameron for laughing at a joke he said. We were called “The Humping Harkins.” Nice. The kids called us lesbians because my sister and I were so close. We hugged and kissed and snuggled a lot. Those f**king kids. One time a girl name Karen, who was “friends” with my sister in middle school, stopped talking to her. Sis confronted her on the playground and Karen said people had said we are lesbians and she can’t be friends with her anymore. It devastated her. It was impossible for us to make friends. Our only “friend” Anna became friends with our bully Alex. That was devastating too. Fun. Thank God I got out of there alive and in one piece.
We had a lovely lunch together. I hadn’t had Cracker Barrel pancakes in 6 years. Mom then took us to Costco where we could get whatever we needed. We got tons of frozen fruit, seed and nuts for smoothies. We’re so spoiled! While we were in the store, I had a strange realization. I’m from Nashville. Most of my memories from childhood are from Nashville. I only remember NYC from our many trips there. I was born in NYC, but I was raised in Nashville. Nashville is my home. I’ve denied that for years. I’ve been ashamed of it. I felt like because what we do is so unique, saying I’m from Nashville would take the mystery away. The truth is, a lot of great artists come from small towns. It’s not where your from that counts, it’s what you do with your life that matters. I should be proud of my roots.
Sunday December 11th 2016
Mom went out to a party at 2pm and wasn’t back until nighttime. We had the house to ourselves. I realized today we have more time here than I thought. It made me feel more relaxed. We still have a month left. It’s so calm and relaxing here. No need to feel guilty about anything. We are safe and snug and secure here. Nothing to worry about, unlike everywhere else in the world. It is so hard not to worry, especially as artists. We especially never know what is going to happen. None of us know, but the artist is much more clear about that fact. People in other professions like to pretend they have their shit together, like retirement, health insurance, a cozy little house live in. We have none of that. Just each other, our art, and what we’ve saved through that. Being here is so different from our usual life. My bedroom I can go into whenever I want and be alone, all the music I have to listen to, the heater in my room, any food I want to eat, movies to watch, the heater in my room I can turn on whenever I need to, the car to borrow, all the books on my shelf to read, Thoth and Mother’s gentle love and generosity… I can go on. All thanks to my dear Mother. No reason to be bored. I have so much to do. Every day I get up early so I can do as much as I can before the day is done. There isn’t enough time!
After spending the day in my room acting (loudly), writing in my journal and music listening, I went downstairs and watched bits of Andrew Reiu in concert. I used to love that DVD. I didn’t like it so much anymore. It’s an orchestra in pretty dresses playing your typical, classical tunes everybody knows. That’s why he’s successful, not because he plays original music. That takes much more work than playing dead people’s music, though I have respect those who choose that path of course. I used to think there was no other path than singing things people had sung before. I was in love with opera. All the CDs I have up here in my room are operas, classical music, musicals and CDs from my dad and mom. I was headed the direction of being a singer of dead people’s music up until I was 20, and learning all that music did give me a lot of skills, but I completely went off into left field when I met Thoth. I’m glad I did.
Mom and I had a good talk that evening before finishing a movie, “The Pianist”.