Friday March 3rd 2017
I had another difficult sleep last night. Tried to take less Meletonin than the nights before, but the panic and fear about sleeping is so strong, I had to take my usual dose. It feels unnatural to take anything to sleep. Last year I had to as well and it messed me up for months. The fear of sustaining our lifestyle plagues me most at night. Two specific things fill me with worry. Lack of CD sales and park rangers bothering us. I try to think of ways to fix the problems, but I can’t. The park rangers may always bother us and we may never be able to sell CDs like we did before. We may also never have stability. It’s terrifying to me. Selling CDs is a major factor to our lives being sustainable. I wish we had somewhere else to play in the winter, but we don’t. These months have always been bleak, but right now it’s worse than ever before. It’s not like we sell lots of CDs elsewhere. People don’t buy them much anymore, and there is nothing to replace them. I don’t know what to do about it either. It’s not just something that sustains us, selling our music puts it into people’s lives and minds and hearts when they don’t see us live. It keeps us with them. Without taking away our music on CD, people won’t hear it again (unless they film it, but that isn’t the same as listening to our professionally recorded albums.) Our yet-to-be-released album has music on it no one has ever heard, but why release it if we can’t find a way to make money off it? Why does everything have to be so frighteningly unstable? Sometimes I just can’t take it anymore. I didn’t work on anything creative this morning. No play writing or drawing. Just fear.
I talked to someone close to me about how I was feeling and got to feeling even worse. I felt like it was our fault that things aren’t going well for us right now. That it’s because we don’t sing in English or because our music is simplistic. That’s not why, I know. It can’t be. We’re not going to change the core of what we do; singing in a made up language with our two voices, two violins and foot percussion with magical makeup and costumes. We change every day, as our most dedicated fans know. Lots of artists have had success not singing in English or their music being simple. Cirque Du Soleil and Philippe Glass are the first things that come to mind, two very successful, famous and well respected groups/people. We haven’t gotten worse either. We’ve gotten so much better. Our albums have gotten better too. It’s easy for someone to blame how we make our music for our lack of success when we’re not successful. If we were successful and had something to show for what we’ve done, no one would say that. People love our music and used to buy it in droves. If everyone who was uniquely making art/music/theater in their own unique way changed in order to possibly find more success we wouldn’t have all the great unique artists in the world. Somehow feeling like I did I managed to do some really beautiful makeup for today’s prayfomance. It helps my mood to feel pretty. I put together a really beautiful outfit, too. I don’t call it a costume, costume implies falseness and fakery to me. I am always me when I prayform, the heightened, expanded and outrageous me, even if I’m feeling sad, like today.
As we biked to the park, I started saying positive things to myself. “I’m lucky. I have Thoth. He’s never going to abandon me. I have my sister and my mom and dad who love me. I’m never going to starve or be homeless. I have my voice and all my talents… Drawing, acting, makeup, costuming, writing… I’m so lucky to be able to support myself by playing music. Things will get better. Everything will balance out. We’ve been through much worse. I need to stay positive. I have a dream, a very specific goal. Who at my age knows exactly what they want? I know exactly what I want. I want to perform our operas with Michael Chiaravelotti, our hand drummer friend and James Swanton, my brilliant young British actor friend. We have this beautiful work we’re doing. Something could happen at any moment. We just can’t stop prayforming. We have to keep the dream alive.” Last night while Thoth was making dinner, we were talking excitedly about this goal, how we could make it happen. It seems impossible. We’d need money and a venue and an audience. All things we don’t yet have. It’s got to happen. I’m chomping at the bit these days, raring to go. I’m not going to be 29 forever. I’m in my prime.
As we were getting ready to play, a police officer on a motorcycle stopped by every street performer on the Prado and asked them to produce a permit. He didn’t see us as we didn’t have a crowd. We watched, feeling very scared as we have never seen police officers bother the street performers before. Officer Morales is our friend and I think he is head. As we played, I began feeling like sh*t again. We had nice crowds and the weather was amazing, but the interest in CDs or in any interaction with us at all was almost non existent, as it has been for months. We need a patron, or patrons. We can’t survive off tips alone. We’ve had dry spells in the past, but not like this, and it’s just getting worse. Thank God we’re healthy enough of body and mind to keep trying, despite it feeling sometimes like I’m banging my head against a brick wall. Today I did. I felt so alone today. Even though people were watching us and clapping, I felt like we are completely alone and people could care less about us. No one in our audiences can help us other than saying a kind word or throwing in a few bucks. I have this feeling that I wish our audience would step forward and do something. Our friends do that just by being there. Tori was there. She cared. I knew she did. We were terrified of the officer coming back and bothering us. He went by again, but we were taking a break and again he didn’t see us. Lucky, but we’re not safe. What a horrible feeling. No safety net. My armpits were sweating as we continued, the thought at the back of our mind we’d be arrested or harassed at any moment. I don’t want to talk to police ever again. It makes me feel helpless and horrible. We’re not doing anything wrong. We shouldn’t be afraid of police. They should be protecting us, not threatening us.
As the play continued, I got more and more sad. Same thing. No CD sales. I said we have CDs and download cards after every song. No inquiries. It gets old. I don’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m giving away my very soul when I sing and people don’t even bother to say anything. At least we had an audience, unlike on Wednesday. We played a beautiful improvisation. We’ve been coming up with a lot of new music on these very dark, difficult days. I don’t know how or why. I hope things get better somehow. I do like the honest, eye to eye, hand to hand way we live our lives. It’s genuine and raw and honest and beautiful. We’re one of the last artists to be bringing something so unique to the public and only a few people understand how lucky they are. Our friends do. I’d like to be surprised by our audience for once. Surprised by their generosity and kindness and going the extra mile. We need it so much right now. We need some help.
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Saturday February 25th 2017
Sh*t. I was awake in bed from 11pm until 2am. I couldn’t sleep because our housemate coughs a lot (and because I’ve over sensitized myself to the sound). It’s nightmarish when I can’t sleep. I feel so alone and isolated. I tried getting up to ask him not to cough, but he was asleep. At 2am I got up and wrote him a note and put it on his desk. I hate feeling like I’m harping on people. We’re in a loft, so any sounds the other person makes at night can be heard by everyone else. That’s the only downside to living here. At the other place we lived in years past, it was dead silent and I got over sensitized to the sound of my ears ringing, which made me feel like I was going crazy. It’s always something.
Of course I was tired when I woke up at 9am. I didn’t get any work done either. Thoth told me our electricity bill was sky high, which terrified me. We don’t do great here financially January and February so it scares me when we have to pay so much money for things unexpectedly. I tried to lay down and nap at 11, but I’m not sure I fell asleep. My nerves were shot. I was sleep deprived and pessimistic all day. Tomorrow is my birthday, so I hope I feel better and get some sleep. I need a solid 8 hours in order to function and I’m just not getting that these days.
I guess to reflect how I was feeling, I did some pretty horrific makeup.
Since I felt like shit, I thought I’d look like shit too. When I feel bad, no matter how I look, I think I look awful. I hate that feeling. We biked to the park and it was one of those days I didn’t think I’d be able to make it through. I didn’t do very well. A few times I just hung my head in sadness after a song. The combination of sleep deprivation and fears about money is a bad mix. I was focusing on the wrong things, which makes me angry and beside myself. Yesterday I had a great day, and it wasn’t like we really did well, but I did well. I created a great look and played and sang my very best. I was focused on the right things yesterday; creativity and self expression. When I get sucked into focusing on money I get depressed. The thought that we are deserving of much more than we get, which is a horrible thought. I like much better being grateful for what I have, instead of mad for not getting what I feel we deserve more of. That’s a completely unproductive and soul-sucking feeling. Horrible. I hate that feeling of wanting to throw my violin on the ground and cry. I felt that today a few times. It happens because I loose all my strength and self direction to deal with our life. I don’t know how Thoth dealt with bad days by himself. Once after a piece I had to sit it out and collect myself while Thoth did a solo, then later during an improv I stopped playing and singing all together because I felt so shitty. People were clapping for someone performing near us and it was so noisy there didn’t seem to be any space for our work. Sometimes it feels like we have to cramp our music into this tiny little space and no one cares if we survive or not. I felt so alone, even though there were three protectors there; Pascual, Tori and Bill. Seeing the park rangers walk by before we started made me feel sick with fear, too. I played a solo and felt like I got a lot of my feelings out. Bill was crying when I finished. I was exhausted but happy I got through such a hard play. On days like these I’m just happy to get through it.
Why do I not want people to think my life is perfect? Because it isn’t! Most people who had a life like mine of traveling and performing would always be posting and sharing positive things. I don’t. If things are rough, I don’t shy away from it for fear of sounding ungrateful. I feel what I feel. Every day is different. Everyone has their own problems and I refuse not to share mine. I’m scared and hopeful and disheartened and emotional and loved and cherished and cared for and I strive every day to share my voice with anyone who will listen. That is all I can do.
We came home and ate and Thoth tried to set up a speaker so I could pump in the sound of a fan to help block out our housemates cough. It didn’t help. I had to get up and ask him gently to try as hard as he could not to cough. He did and I finally could fall asleep! Yay!
“Lila Angelique actually IS a great artist who inspires and creates beautiful things. Who are you to dictate that she can’t have a sense of self worth and know this about herself??? She was born gifted and has spent so much time and energy cultivating and developing these gifts in every way she knows how.”
You are an immeasurable asset to the park and the city while you are here. Undoubtedly tourism satisfaction experienced while you are in residence spikes, and you have extreme world appeal with the amount of ambiguity throughout the work, and all of it basically for free. They are actively placing you into poverty for no quantifiable reason other than control.
“You are masters of the realm beyond.”