17.5.2012

Yesterday was weird. A dark skinned man tried to set up some photographs right next to me when we were prayforming. Turned out he knew us. I don’t understand what was going through his mind. “Oh look! Those guys have a huge crowd. Let me spread out some of my photographs and maybe people will buy them.” So disrespectful! I wanted to yell at him. Our friend Theo talked to him and Thoth was gentle with him. It really brought me down. I don’t understand who someone would aggressively try to sell something while we are trying to work! We are in public, I know, but can’t people show a little respect? That happened a few times in Central Park. The Afrobats would always blast there music in the middle of our performance. Sometimes when it was raining, musicians would come in the tunnel and start playing right next to us. You have to keep a calm head when stuff like that happens. Even the Afrobats came in the tunnel one day and blasted their boom box in the middle of my song. Thoth and I were so angry. We sang and sang until they stopped.

I bought a pink Hello Kitty parasol on Tuesday and painted over the “HK” logo with the rest of my silver paint. I want to paint the whole thing silver and glue rhinestones on.

My hair is a pretty bright pink. Last night we had a really cheap dinner and I spent the whole time staring into the two way mirror at my hair. Yes, I am vain.

I’m thinking about San Diego and missing my sister. It feels good to be playing every day, but people are really holding onto their purse strings. Last week was weird because we got kicked out of our spot on Friday and business went at a snails pace on Sunday.

It is interesting to watch other people perform in the space we play. No one else gathers a crowd or makes money. I guess people see us playing and think, “I can do that.” and then wonder why they can’t. People always jumble us together with other buskers but we’re not the same. Our music is unique, our costumes are unique. There is no end to what people can discover while watching us. Whenever people pass us by I think, “Their loss.” It’s our voices that draw people in. Sometimes it’s hard to be humble. I think we give a lot more then we receive. I have to believe our good karma will be rewarded someday.

Sometimes I imagine the things we could do if we had more resources. It’s amazing how much we do with nothing. I feel blessed that people care about us and our art moves a few people to take action. In the great scheme of things our lives are very small but we reach out as far as we can. People have so many things distracting them these days.  For anyone to stop in the street and throw us a euro is a miracle. To be fully supported by our work is a miracle. That I can sing for my livelihood and try to live a good a ethical life that inspires people is a miracle. I knew I was destined for more then fame. I am destined to touch people, to move people, to model goodness and love, to give to others and sing for others, to resist conformity and greed, to be powerful without hurting anyone, to express myself exactly how I want to.

I believe in our work and will never give up.

4.5.2012

Hi Everyone. We’re in Lisbon. We’ve had ups and downs but I think we’re going up again.

I got an email last week with a link to a family’s blog. Their little girl Rowan is in love with us and she’s only 3!  Here is the link.

http://larkandkestrel.com/2012/03/05/540/

Wow. Obsession is an understatement! It always seems little girls love me, but not like this. Girls see me as a real fairy princess. I was tickled pink to see her dancing across the kitchen floor with little ankle bells and tambourine! That’s how I was when I first met Thoth!  It’s stunning the impression I’ve made on her. Isn’t she so cute? I want to hug her. I bet when she sees us again she will be really shy. I hope not. Maybe she’ll dance with us! I feel honored and amazed someone so young can love us. Sometimes I second guess myself and wonder if anyone cares what I’m doing. When I see something like this, I know I’m doing good in the world.

I just got an update on he and her enthusiasm hasn’t abated. It seems some of my family has reached out to them, too.

http://larkandkestrel.com/2012/04/29/presenting-the-girl/

Adorable, right?

Rowan I am so honored. You are precious and beautiful and I can’t wait to formally meet you.

Love LILA’ANGELIQUE

6.4.2012

We got to play! Very successful day.

Movie on 2012-02-10 at 23.08

5.4.2012

I have lovely dreams at night, but when I wake up everything is still the same. I am so sad. I don’t like writing when I’m sad. I’ve been throwing things everywhere. I feel angry, alone, pessimistic, hopeless and tired. Not even drawing helps. I lay in bed and cried with the blankets covering my face, listening to my sobs. “I don’t know what to do. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t of taken Thoth away from the Angel Tunnel.” I feel so heartbroken. We haven’t made money since Sunday. Thoth is doing the best he can cooking things we have left in the fridge. Why is this happening? Do we deserve it? Where is our success? This has been going on for years. We spend a few months consistently playing and living happily, then we won’t play for a long time. All I want to do is play and share our music with people. Why can’t we even do that? We wouldn’t need handouts from anyone if we could play. The world is closing  to public performance. People seem to like what we do, but we rarely get to do it. And no one tries or knows how to help us. I feel very alone. At least we are free. We’re not trapped anywhere. Will it be like this forever? I dream that someday we will have a place to play where we are welcomed and loved and appreciated and protected. I feel beaten. I can’t performing scared. Eventually it gets to me and I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what decision to make. Making decisions is hard when you’re sad. My eyes feel tired from crying. The world is so mean. I can’t bear it.

Movie on 2012-04-05 at 23.15

4.4.2012

No direction, dead ends everywhere, yet we continue. There is nothing else we can do. Today was the last day we could easily get back to America. We cannot play in Barcelona. Too much police harassment. Scared to play. We had the idea to perform in the lobby of our apartment building, but that didn’t work out. For all the people that love our music, one person can say “no” and that’s it. What if we were performing and the police came and everyone who was watching stood up and said “No, they are doing something beautiful and we love it. Leave them alone.” That’s what the police are afraid of. People standing up for what they believe in. That’s why they’re afraid of us. I wonder where we’ll go. We could go to Italy or Portugal, I don’t know. We’re the only ones who can make the choice, we’re the only ones who understand what we need. It’s very stressful. I hope we can get by these next two weeks.

19.3.2012

We just flew to Barcelona last week. I was so tripped out at first, full of memories and jet lag. I wonder what will happen this time. I want to meet my friend James in the UK. I’ve been up ’till 3 am almost every night. Not yet adjusted to local time. After three days in Hostal Lausanne, we moved effortlessly to an inexpensive apartment right near the Ramblas. We love it here. Playing, however, is difficult and frustrating. Despite that, we are pushing through it. I’m surprised we played four days already. I hope things just get better and better. Found really cheap flights to Lisbon. Probably go there next month.

1.3.2012

I’m 24. We just got back to Nancee’s house in Oakland. I have been running for 4 days. I want to be in shape.

Thoth and I grow as a couple every day. I’m glad we can talk about thing that aren’t so comfortable to talk about. It’s important to get to the bottom of feelings. I love him and I hope we can be together for a long time.

We have two house concerts next week and hopefully will play in the park on the weekend.

We’re going to Barcelona the Monday after next. Things are going to change big time.

15.2.2012

I glitzed up my new headphones. I’m very proud of them.

I was thinking it would be interesting to custom make these if people are interested.

We’ve been playing in the hallways of Balboa Park as usual. No Ranger interruptions. More consistent money and crowds. Yay. I feel so confident when I’m singing. It’s like I could sing the rangers away if they came. We are doing a good thing. I know. I feel creative and full and blessed. Last week I was bored and frustrated and sad. I am so happy to be living to sing.

I also glued rhinestones on my pink dress. I’m a rhinestone girl!Yesterday a new artist friend named Sarah (http://sarahstieber.com/) photographed me in Art Lab. She’s going to paint me. I’m so excited to see how it comes out. I saw one photo and it was beautiful. I was lying on the ground like I was sleeping. Andrea is in the process of painting us, too. I’d love to get prints of all the paintings made of us in San Diego send to my mom to save. It would be amazing to own all the paintings made of me when I grow up. That would feel like I had a successful life. To have a house big enough to hang all my paintings on the walls.

7.2.2012

I’m thinking about growing up. I am thinking about being older. I don’t know what it’s like. I’ve been young all my life. Will people not think I’m special anymore when I’m old? Sometimes I think I don’t want to live past 29. Life is already so hard. What will it be like with out my youthful and healthy body? With a mid life crisis and menopause? I dread it. I love being young! I always wish to be so. I feel like I’ve done so much in the past three years. But have I really done anything? I’ll be 30 in 6 years. That feels like a long time. 6 years ago I was 17! But I could live for at least 50 years more! My life could completely turn around several times in 50 years! What will Thoth’s and my relationship mean to me when I’m 80? Will I even remember him? I think so. Will my sister die before me or will I? What will she do with her life? When will my parents die? I have one grandparent left living who could die any day. My mom says my grandma is working on %8 of her kidney. Yikes. I just have to keep doing what is in front of me to do. I need to take every opportunity that presents its self to me. I need to do everything I can dream of now that I’m able to do it. I’m so curious to see where life will take me. I never expected to be traveling the world when I was at theater school three years ago. Oh god. Life is so complicated.

5.2.2012

I am so frustrated. Balboa Park is driving me crazy. We get big crowds, but all they do is gawk at us and walk away. We deserve so much more then what we get in the park. Maybe I’ve been spoiled by the Art Lab Shows. Usually I get really excited when a big crowd gathers because that means lots of tips and CD sales and interaction. I offer people cards and maybe two people come up to get one. It’s like they’re scared of us. We’re giving everything, why can’t people give back? Not even a good applause! Isn’t what we do beautiful? I wonder how people feel when we finish. Do they think, “Well, no one’s giving money so why should I?” Or maybe they don’t have cash. People do seem to carry around credit cards only these days. It’s really getting to me though. Yes, I love what I do but I have to eat! I’m tired of suffering. But Thoth has done this for TWENTY FIVE years! What am I complaining about? At least I don’t have a job behind a desk or as a waitress. I am free to travel the world and make music. I am grateful we have fed ourselves this week. Hopefully things will turn around soon. Maybe Europe will be better.